*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/criper
Review Requests: ON
7 Public Reviews Given
25 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Prier
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
The narrative "A Rainy Night's Encounter" presents an engaging and suspenseful storyline, filled with twists and a surprising conclusion. However, there are several areas where improvements could elevate the quality of the writing significantly. Below are detailed suggestions for refinement:

1. Grammar and Punctuation:
- Consider using commas more effectively to improve the readability of your sentences. For example, "It was a rainy night, I took out my diary" could be better structured as "It was a rainy night; I took out my diary" or "It was a rainy night. I took out my diary".
- Watch out for run-on sentences and fragments. Breaking longer sentences into shorter, more concise ones can enhance clarity.

2. Syntax and Style:
- The use of passive voice is noticeable in several places. While it can be effective in certain contexts, active voice often makes the narrative more dynamic. For instance, "I fetched two cups from the cabinet, added some coffee powder to it" could be more engaging if rewritten in a more active voice.
- The narrative flow can be improved by varying sentence structure. This will keep the reader engaged and maintain a smooth reading experience.

3. Phrasing and Word Choice:
- Some phrases and words could be replaced with more precise or vivid alternatives to enhance the atmosphere and character development. For example, "His behavior grew insanely arbitrary" could be rephrased to "His behavior became increasingly erratic", which is clearer and more direct.
- Consider avoiding clichés or overly familiar phrases to maintain originality and impact.

4. Logical Flow and Clarity:
- Ensure that the sequence of events is logical and clear. For instance, the transition from inviting the stranger in to the sudden confrontation could be developed further for better coherence and suspense building.
- The ending twist is intriguing but might benefit from subtle hints earlier in the story to make the revelation more impactful and less abrupt.

5. Concision and Impact:
- Some passages could be condensed to make the narrative tighter and more impactful. Removing or revising unnecessary details that don't advance the plot or character development can strengthen the overall story.
- The impact of the story could be enhanced by focusing on building tension and atmosphere throughout, especially given its supernatural and suspenseful elements.

Overall Quality Judgement:
The narrative demonstrates creativity and a knack for storytelling, particularly with its twist ending. However, it would benefit from attention to grammatical accuracy, sentence structure, and phrasing to improve readability and engagement. Enhancing logical flow and clarity will make the plot more coherent, while focusing on concision can increase its impact. With these adjustments, the piece has the potential to be a compelling and polished story that effectively captivates readers.
2
2
Review of Darlene  
Review by Prier
Rated: E | (4.5)
The narrative you've presented is engaging and paints a vivid picture of circus life, focusing on the character Darlene, a fortune teller with a pragmatic view of her profession. The story is rich in detail, character development, and has a clear narrative arc. However, there are opportunities for refinement to enhance clarity, concision, and impact. Below are specific suggestions for improvement:
1. Opening Sentence Clarity: The opening sentence could be more impactful by directly establishing the setting and protagonist. Consider rephrasing for immediate clarity and engagement. For example: "In the bustling oddities row of Circus Vargas, I, Darlene, presided over my fortune-telling booth—my sanctuary of the surreal."
2. Consistency in Tone and Perspective: The narrative maintains a conversational tone, which suits the story well. However, ensure that the perspective remains consistently first-person to avoid any confusion. There are moments where the narrative seems to waver slightly in its focus on Darlene's internal thoughts versus external actions.
3. Character Development: While Darlene and the other characters are intriguing, offering more backstory or insights into their motivations could deepen the reader's connection to them. For instance, a brief mention of why Darlene chose fortune telling or how she feels about her role in the circus could add depth.
4. Concision and Redundancy: Look for areas where the text could be tightened. For instance, "I wore large flowy blouses, big hoop earrings, and baggy pants" could be condensed to "I wore flowy blouses, hoop earrings, and baggy pants" without losing meaning.
5. Dialogue and Interaction: The dialogue is a strong point, particularly in its ability to reveal character. However, ensuring that each line of dialogue serves to move the story forward or reveal something new about the characters could tighten the narrative. For example, the exchange with Gus could be streamlined to escalate the tension more quickly.
6. Descriptive Language: Your descriptions vividly paint the circus environment and characters. Enhancing this with more sensory details—such as sounds, smells, and tactile sensations—could further immerse the reader. For example, describing the texture of Darlene's flowy blouse or the smell of the circus tent could add another layer of realism.
7. Punctuation and Grammar: There are minor punctuation and grammatical errors throughout the text that slightly hinder readability. For instance, "It was up in the Adirondack mountains and fall was about to take over" could benefit from a semicolon or a conjunction to improve flow: "It was up in the Adirondack Mountains; fall was about to take over."
8. Ending and Impact: The narrative ends abruptly due to the word limit, but ensuring a satisfying conclusion that ties back to the themes introduced at the beginning can enhance its impact. Consider what lesson or change you want Darlene—or the reader—to experience by the end.
Overall, your writing is compelling and paints a vivid picture of circus life through the eyes of a skeptical fortune teller. With adjustments for clarity, concision, and depth, this piece has the potential to be even more engaging and impactful. Keep honing your craft; your narrative voice is distinct and promising.
3
3
Review of The Great Unknown  
Review by Prier
Rated: E | (3.5)
This piece of writing has a strong, assertive voice and conveys a clear message about the importance of shaping the minds of the next generation. The author uses powerful metaphors, like the comparison of molding young minds to bending hot steel, to drive their point home.
However, some of the phrasing could be refined for greater clarity and impact. The central argument could also be strengthened by providing more concrete examples of how to instill respect in the next generation.
Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling:
The grammar, punctuation, and spelling in this piece are generally correct. There are no glaring errors that need to be addressed.
Syntax and Style:
- The first sentence could be rephrased to be more concise, e.g., "I sit at my desk, writing about things I have no direct knowledge of."
- The phrase "cannot control those who will" in the second paragraph is unclear. Consider rephrasing for clarity.
- The analogy of bending steel when it's hot vs. hard could be made more explicit by directly connecting it to the idea of shaping young minds.
Alternatives for Sentence Structure, Word Choice, and Phrasing:
- Instead of "Everywhere I turn," consider "Everywhere I look" for a more visual phrase.
- "We must decide now to provide those solutions when the matrix is still forming" could be rephrased as "We must choose to offer these solutions while minds are still malleable."
- "Any fool knows" could be replaced with a less colloquial phrase like "It's common knowledge."
Overall Quality Judgment:
Overall, this is a thought-provoking piece that, with some polishing, could be a persuasive call to action for shaping the attitudes and beliefs of youth. The author's passion for the topic shines through, but a bit more focus and refinement could elevate this from a good piece of writing to a great one.
4
4
Review of Dark Side of Love  
Review by Prier
Rated: E | (4.0)
Strengths:
Strong Introduction: The opening sentence effectively captures the reader's attention by highlighting the contrasting nature of love.
Vivid Imagery: The use of metaphors and descriptive language creates a strong visual impact and evokes emotions.
Comprehensive Exploration: The essay delves into various aspects of love's dark side, including manipulation, control, unrequited affection, and societal influences.
Thoughtful Conclusion: The essay concludes with a powerful message about the importance of acknowledging and understanding the complexities of love.
Strong Vocabulary: The use of sophisticated vocabulary enhances the essay's intellectual depth and sophistication.
Areas for Improvement:
Sentence Structure: Some sentences are overly long and complex, making them difficult to read and understand. Consider breaking down these sentences into shorter, more manageable chunks.
Word Choice: While the vocabulary is strong, there are instances where simpler words could be used to improve clarity and conciseness.
Flow and Transitions: The essay could benefit from smoother transitions between paragraphs to enhance the overall flow of ideas.
Redundancy: There are a few instances of repetition, particularly in the use of certain phrases like "dark side of love."
Specific Actionable Suggestions:
Sentence 2: Consider splitting this sentence into two separate sentences to improve readability.
Sentence 5: Replace "individuals vulnerable to the whims of another" with a more concise phrase like "vulnerable to another's control."
Paragraph 3: Add a transition sentence at the beginning to connect it more effectively with the previous paragraph.
Sentence 10: Replace "individuals may grapple with feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt" with a more impactful phrase like "individuals may be consumed by feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt."
Conclusion: Consider adding a call to action, encouraging readers to reflect on their own experiences with love's dark side.
Overall Judgement:
This is a well-written essay that explores a complex and often overlooked aspect of love. The author demonstrates a strong understanding of the subject matter and uses vivid language to convey their message. However, the essay could be further improved by addressing the areas for improvement mentioned above. By implementing these suggestions, the author can enhance the clarity, conciseness, and overall impact of their writing.
5
5
Review of Fragile  
Review by Prier
Rated: E | (3.0)
Overall, the writing demonstrates a strong emotional depth and introspection on the theme of fragility and emotional turmoil. However, there are areas that could be improved for clarity and flow.
Suggestions for improvement:
1. Consider breaking down long sentences for better readability and flow.
2. Watch out for repetitive phrases and try to vary your language to maintain reader engagement.
3. Check for punctuation errors and ensure consistency in punctuation usage throughout the text.
4. Work on transitioning between ideas smoothly to enhance the logical flow of the narrative.
5. Consider incorporating more descriptive language and vivid imagery to evoke stronger emotions in the reader.
6. Next time, use a larger font and break up your text into paragraphs. Your readers will appreciate it.
Alternative phrasing:
1. Instead of "Have you ever thought about your cause of sadness or anger when you lay down on your bed to stare at the roof or when you cry yourself out?", consider "Have you ever reflected on the root of your sadness or anger as you lie in bed staring at the ceiling or weeping?"
2. Instead of "Whenever I get annoyed by the tiniest things my parents say I’m sensitive, but in truth I’m just trying to vent my anger against this world", consider "When trivial comments from my parents irk me, they label me as oversensitive, yet I am merely seeking an outlet for my frustration with the world."
In conclusion, the writing effectively conveys deep emotions and personal struggles, but refining the structure, language, and coherence could elevate its impact on the reader. Keep honing your craft and experimenting with different writing techniques to enhance the overall quality of your work.
5 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/criper