I love the ending!! Very satisfying finish . Your description of Ashlee is well done, it definately inspires the readers sympathies and affectoins for the little girl.
A few suggestions -
You said she is resting her head on her hands, it seemed to me that she was face down and I got confused when she was then looking up. Perhaps resting her chin on her hands instead?
" As he swore, Larry pushed Ashlee's would-be"
Pushed seems quite a soft word for this man, perhaps something more violent, like "shoved"?
"exposing a weeping, frieghtened child."
Frightened is misspelt!
Just a thing about your paragraphs. If you're going to leave a clear line between them, then do so. If you want to separate the first and last section (the 2nd, to me, beginning with the explanation of the B&B) then use something difference, maybe two spaces. That's just a suggestion, the writing itself is excellent! One question though ... who's Martin? Is he just the B&B owner? Her friend? Her brother? Just a simple sentence would be sufficient.
Maybe I'm just being picky. Anyway, congradulations of a great piece!
Veyr emotive and interesting . I am sorry for your loss and sympathise, I'm in a similar position.
There are two things I'd like to point out, the poem itself is great, apart from one spelling mistake "It's TOO late" instead of "to". See? Just a triffle!
The other thing is your description of your work. The description is the only thing people will read (apart from the title) to determine if they want to read your work or not. It might be unintentional, but "Just read it and you'll figure it out." sounds quite cheeky. Personally I wouldn't read one who sounded a bit ungrateful already, except to tell them that they're shooting themselves in the foot!
Anyway, it's your choice. I'm only suggesting for your benefit.
Again, I am sorry for your loss and I hope writing will help you.
Hiya! The first paragraph caught my interest but I'm afraid I couldn't finish it. I know alot of members in the community feel the way I do - why would I spend time reading it if you do not spend enough time writing it?
There are spelling mistakes "striaght" and plenty of grammatical errors. "i" instead of "I" and you do not open the response from the child with speechmarks, it seems like he is thinking what he is meant to be saying.
If you review your own work, people will want to read it. If you review it, please feel free to submit it to me for a re-review!
I like this! I'm not a haiku fan but I seem to keep finding good authors on this site! I enjoyed this.
I have only one suggestion. The first two lines are very well written and the language used isn't extremely common. My problem is with the last line, "Death surrounds us all" is not a particularly individual statement, it's a common thread. An author who uses language like "robust in anger" and "crimson nights" would surely be able to find something a little more unique?
I was also wondering, is "Fear" a strong enough word for what you are trying to explain? What about terror etc?
Anyway, these are only suggestion, and I still think your work is very good
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.19 seconds at 11:21am on Jun 30, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
. Your description of Ashlee is well done, it definately inspires the readers sympathies and affectoins for the little girl.
. I am sorry for your loss and sympathise, I'm in a similar position.