Hello, it's nice to meet you. I think you have a talent for writing, just need to iron out some stuff and you'll really take shape
"I wasn’t any more fat than any kid in that room"
There is some repetitive wording here, rewrite the sentence a little so that you don't mention the word "any" twice.
Your ending is heartwarming, absolutely! The only issue I have with it is that is states how the character is feeling about everything they went through, perhaps describing their actions instead coule fix this problem I have. For example, you could end the story by having a kid making fun of the MC's weight, but then describe how they look at themselves in the mirror and are proud, or maybe they recall a flashback of a family member teaching them about self-love, and then we see how the MC reacts after being made fun of.
These are all just my opinions, thank you for sharing your story. I don't exaggerate when I tell an author they have a talent in writing, I hope you can share more of your works, tyty
Hello, thank you for your story, I haven't read the other chapters as this was selected for me by random but here is my take on things:
"There was even one Spanish girl and she would see
me walk in come running over yelling there’s my sugar mama and
give me a big hug and kiss on the cheek."
*I would remove this from the chapter, it sticks out a bit too much and is kind of distracting.
Overall I think you have a good writing style, it may just need to be honed in a bit more by having some more variety in your wording (character says "I" too much, I know this is a first person POV but still it can get repetitive very quickly and is something to watch out for with this type of storytelling.
The story seems like something a lot of young women could relate to, just trying to figure out where you want to be relationship-wise as you're walking the divide between casual and serious
Hello, thank you for sharing your story. I appreciate the cozy nature of it, however, here are some things I suggest to work on:
It starts off with Jasmine being 21, but everything afterwards takes place from when she was born to the time she is 6. I don't believe it was necessary to begin the story with a framing device of Jasmine being now 21 and then retelling previous events in her life, there isn't much of a connection between the two time periods. Start the story by the time Jasmine is born and then on.
Perhaps change the title as well since it kind of spoils the reveal at the end.
Please be advised this is just my opinion and I mean no offense, I am giving advice relative to how my writing style would be
Hello, I feel like your premise is something that a lot of readers could relate to (coming of age stories are very popular), I have to ask though: why are vampires in this story? It doesn't seem to connect very much with the main character's goal. I would either change João's goal in the story (maybe they're a vampire hunter and are on a mission to hunt down the vampire who killed someone they loved?)
I think your story would be more focused if the main character's goal is connected in some way to the fact that there are vampires in this world, perhaps they figure out that they are a vampire at the very beginning of the story and this kicks off their journey? That could actually be a pretty good way to keep both the main character's goal the same and also introduce vampires.
Good idea, has familiar elements such as vampires but your spin on it being from a brazilian/portugese point of view is a fresh take, thank you for sharing your story.
you may want to visit reddit and more specifically a subreddit that helps people with depression or just people going through a rough time, i think they can help you much better than we can. But I do hope that you feel better in time, please do not hesitate to seek out mental health treatment.
Hello, thank you for your contribution, here are my notes:
"As the sun set, the forest creatures of both the night and day gathered at the old story tree to watch the full moon rise. Full-moon nights were always exciting, because that's when Grandpa Owl would read a new story from his book of twilight tales."
*After ending your sentence with "full moon rise," you don't need to begin the next sentence with "Full-moon" as the reader will already know what you are talking about, can avoid repetitive wording by rewriting it as "-watch the full moon rise. These nights were always exciting-"
"Though the young bat was a great flyer, his landings however, could use some work."
*When starting your sentence with "Though the young bat was a great flyer," you should just finish with "his landing could use some work," in the second half of the sentence. There is no need to insert the word "however" in the second half due to "Though" already establishing there will be a drawback to the skill-set of what you're discussing. "Though the young bat was a great flyer, his landings could use some work."
When introducing Barnabas to the story, have him appear in person early on while trying to attack the characters as they're on their way to class or something, it's good you had a character bring them up early on but it's through a one-off line that the reader will forget after 5 seconds. When you establish the big bad of your story then you need to make sure they leave an impact, it will further improve the payoff during the climax.
Final thoughts?
+Creativity
+Solid dialogue
+Cozy story
Ty for sharing this with us, I apologize if these comments are rude or pretentious, this is my first time offering feedback and everything here is just my personal take and is in no way objective.
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