It is a good poem, for once I understood the meaning sometimes with poems it is hard to. When I took a poetry in colloage the teacher, who had been teaching writing for decades, had us go it to groups and had us help each other edit our poems so hear it goes:
I could not sleep,
but think of you,
with every breath I took.
This allows you to say one line then forcing you to pause as your eyes go to the next line giving the poem a dramatic feeling to it, which I think you are trying to go for. Thats all I have to say I am ZanKaj by the way.
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| (3.5)
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