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2,324 Public Reviews Given
2,324 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I try to be honest and positive. My Christian faith is an important background factor. I hate rating low but have a system that determines how I grade.
 
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#2259390 by LightinMind
I'm good at...
More interested in the content of what you write than the style. Theological, political, historical, scientific, or experiential, or indeed anything that paints a vision of the future. A good grammar checker will tell you about spelling and commas.
Favorite Genres
Not entirely sure as I like most stuff. I prefer something with a soul rather than purely secular. But I like Sci-Fi, anything Christian, and also 'What-if' type speculations with plausible plots.
Least Favorite Genres
Anything that fails to look for a way out of the darkness. You can be dark, just don't wallow in it. Generally, I try to steer clear of Fantasy, and most Dark or Horror stories just make me laugh or grimace due to their ignorance of the dark side.
Favorite Item Types
I have really liked some of the heartwarming dramas I have read here particularly personal stories. Thought-provoking poems or stories are cool also though I am no expert on poetical forms.
Least Favorite Item Types
Anything that is just an affirmation of the dark side. I hate empty words. I always look for human intelligence. I try and avoid Fantasy and Horror where there is no metaphorical resonance or connection with real-world truth.
I will not review...
I mainly review at random and just see what grabs my attention. I will usually skip stuff I do not like unless it gets me riled or if it is interesting for other reasons.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of Swallowed  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello, Ton . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I received "Swallowed"  via an official email with a recommended item list and yours looked interesting. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

A demon attack on his home village of Eldridge leaves Elias an orphan. With the other refugees, he finds sanctuary in Willowbrook. Along with Finn, his best friend, he trains under the tutelage of Thorne to become a warrior and protector of his people. But a warrior's life includes losses and...

*Quill*Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

This piece reminded me a little of Vietnam veterans who went to war with heads full of God, nation, family, and apple pie and came back drug-addled nihilists with thousand-yard stares. War can brutalize people and make a return to normality impossible. Also, when it is your sword that wins the security that you crave, when that security is overthrown you must find ways to become stronger still. It is this aspiration for power that leads Elias to the dark side. A tortured German war veteran from the trenches on the Western front becomes a staunch Nazi. A proud Jedi becomes a monstrous Sith and is thrown out of his village to roam the world alone, rotting and in despair.

Finn, Anya, Lila, Bran and Mara sounded like more positive characters and it was a shame you did not develop them more in this piece. Their motivations seemed purer and even if you eventually still killed them off as casualties or sacrifices that would be all the more powerful for having had the reader connect with them first.

The ending here seemed rushed compared with the beginning, where you showed the reader what you were talking about with descriptions and feelings and better articulated the context. By the end, you become the omniscient narrator reciting a sequence of events to bring the story to a finish. It felt a little like the structure of something not properly fleshed out.


*Quill*Mechanical issues

Passive voice is an issue in this text. Active voice is more engaging.


Thanks for sharing.

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2
2
Review of The others  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, Ayla . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I received "The others"  via an official email with a recommended item list and yours looked interesting. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

We are all different and think differently with different thought processes. Can empathy bridge the gap or are we fated to always return to our own minds, our fleeting experience of each other having faded away?

*Quill*Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

I found this piece merely descriptive of the difference and the distance between people rather than prescriptive about how that gap can be bridged.

We write in the same language and your words have to be understandable for people to empathize by giving you stars and good reviews. If they never understood what you said why did they give you so many high scores?

It feels like people are far apart and those who are close to us often surprise us by retreating or leaving to somewhere else but that does not mean that connection is impossible.

As a Christian, I believe we are both made in God's image and so in Him there is a shared resonance with the other. Language, shared experiences and common solutions bind us. It took one sacrifice on the cross the save all people regardless of culture and language and all have an equal potential of a relationship with the God that made them all. Pentecost rather than the Tower of Babel binds us together, it is our sins that separate us.

The analogy of modern computing is quite helpful here. When two different computing systems are mapped together into a relationship the developer must understand the complex logic of each system before mapping relationships between the two. He finds primary and secondary keys to bind datasets together and to build a model that combines and makes sense of both systems in a single data model. This is possible so why not human communication also?

For religious, linguistic and practical reasons I found the premise of this piece to be weak and insufficiently supported.

*Quill*Mechanical issues

This was quite short.


Thanks for sharing.

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#2259390 by LightinMind


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


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3
3
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Samberine Everose . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I received "Buy ebooks for a 'cause"  via the random 'read & review' button. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

Why do we want to get published? How does pricing complement our publishing strategy? What causes should benefit from the money we gain from book sales?

*Quill*Commentary

This is my reading of what you wrote, as it read to me, feel free to disagree with me.

This is quite topical for me as I am in the process of finalizing my first book publication. I love to write and I write for a reason that fits my Christian calling but the whole selling myself online aspect of the writing enterprise is something I find incredibly boring and tiring, That said publishers like Amazon have made the process relatively simple and it is possible to get ones work out there quite quickly. This new publishing strategy puts the burden of quality on the author and leaves it to him/herself to promote the work.

But why do we promote what we write? You suggest that profit is not worthy of a Christian writer and I would tend to agree that it cannot be a primary motivation. That said part of the 'game' here is working with the economics of production and distribution and Christians should not just simply give away their intellectual capital to non-Christians. That is not wise or good stewardship and yields too many benefits to the less scrupulous. Pricing your books low allows a larger audience and one that might not be able to afford the higher prices. You further indicate that profits will be diverted into the support of good causes.

You seem to write because you have something to say which is the reason I write also. I plan to buy up a load of author copies and simply give them to family, friends, and people whom I think would benefit from reading them. If these people like my book they can promote it to others who might also read it, or buy it as a Christmas present for others. I regard my books as useful resources as much as good stories.

*Quill*Mechanical issues

Focused on the content


Thanks for sharing.

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#2259390 by LightinMind


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


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4
4
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, J.H. Korsch . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I received "Comforting Loneliness"  via the random 'read & review' button. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

A poem about loneliness. Do other people see us? Do we let them? Why do we fear to let people in, to be loved just as we are capable of loving? Relationships break and the feeling of abandonment, isolation, rejection and crisis of self-esteem grows. We only wanted to connect to others but look we are alone.

*Quill*Commentary

This is my reading of what you wrote, as it read to me, feel free to disagree with me.

The atomization of Western society into individual bubbles may well spell the end of its ascendency as a civilization in the global arena. Divorce, reduced family sizes, and a growing distance from the 'village' of lifelong connections have generated an epidemic of loneliness.

This poem blames the fears and reluctance of the author for the reason that he is alone. Fear that others might find him boring or grow sick of him. Fears that rejection and abandonment are inevitable and that moreover, the author is not the only one who is experiencing this.

But is this true? Are we really alone? Do we have to remain so if we are? It is a choice to connect and indeed to develop the positive resilience that can shrug off rejection without losing sincerity or reducing affection and emotion to an ugly rump. Love may often be despite the actions and behavior of those we love but why do we empower them to break our capacity for giving, for sharing who we are, and for loving against the odds?

*Quill*Mechanical issues

Your punctuation was confusing. Full stops before non-capitalized new sentences for example and no full stop on the last sentence. Maybe better to remove the full stops entirely.


Thanks for sharing.

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#2259390 by LightinMind


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5
5
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, JoeMiller . This is a review of "Darkness in Lake Compounce"  by invitation from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

A writer called Molly writes a story at dawn about what happens after sunset in the dark of Lake Compounce to a security guard called Matthew...

*Quill*Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

From the outside looking in we have a male writer here writing about a woman novelist who sends her main character, a security guard called Matthew, to his death in a haunted graveyard. The story is a descent into darkness for all three but offers no compelling reason for why the darkness claims them.

Lake Compounce is an actual amusement park in Bristol, Connecticut. What dark colonial era or precolonial era secrets does the Connecticut site conceal, what terror lurks outside Molly's door, and why is the author so tempted to fill the darkness of the haunted graveyard with such evil spirits?

To be honest I did not understand the presence of the fictional writer, Molly, in the narrative.

The sun rises in Molly's experience and sets to begin her novel. Molly the novelist seems in a positive frame of mind watching over a city brimming with stories from her safe high-rise apartment. In her journey of literary creation, she leaves all that behind, writing instead about the darkness in Lake Compounce. The point of the novelist's presence in the narrative therefore appears to be to offer a contrast with its contents but we already have a contrast built into the storyline between children playing in an amusement park and a security guard disappearing into a supernatural fog, so why do we need Molly?

The writing itself was good. It is in the familiar that the horror is built. The routine of the city waking up, the novelist going to work with her coffee and the security guard doing his rounds takes a dark turn. The mood is built with a growing fear, a sudden cold, accentuated senses, by a supernatural fog where shapes move in the shadows and a terrified man walking in circles.

I thought this line was excellent in building the mood:
The water's surface was unnaturally still, reflecting the twisted branches of nearby trees.

Horror is not my genre and the supernatural element here seems unreasonable to me. Maybe it would require a longer narrative to unwrap the reasons for the ghostly presence, their deadly malevolence, and why Matthew was their chosen target. But thanks for the opportunity to read your work.

*Quill*Mechanical issues

Its wooden structure groaning softly in the cool night air. He paused, his flashlight casting long shadows on the aged wood. - Repetition of wood might be avoided by specifying which kind of wood e.g. oak, pine, etc.

Maybe a comma is needed after hesitated here:
He hesitated but then entered


Thanks for sharing.

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#2259390 by LightinMind


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6
6
Review of Shannon's Secret  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, BScholl . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I received "Shannon's Secret"  via the random 'read & review' button. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

How does Shannon handle the continual stress of her job?...

*Quill*Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

This is my reading of what you wrote, as it read to me, feel free to disagree with me.

Shannon appears to have been given the corner office to handle complaints from customers. She has earned this privilege. How she handles stress is interesting not least for the fact that it is a major feature of many people's work experience.

I would suggest exercise, prayer and demarcated rest time as being essential for stress management but Shannon's secret relates to a happy place burned into her mind from a time long before when she visited a field of daisies in the mountains with her parents.

Her little glimpse of heaven is a place in which she finds continual rejuvenating joy. May the Lord open all our eyes to such memories and heavenly places.


*Quill*Mechanical issues

Nothing major to say here.


Thanks for sharing.

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#2259390 by LightinMind


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7
7
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, Jeff . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I received "Playing with Dolls"  via the random 'read & review' button. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

When the counselor comes calling Mrs. Appelbaum starts talking about Sophia's doll. This leaves him a little confused until...

*Quill*Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

This is my reading of what you wrote, as it read to me, feel free to disagree with me.

Accusations of abuse are destroying the teaching profession much as they have damaged recruitment in Western countries to the Catholic priesthood. But the phenomenon remains all too real.

I found this story disturbing. It is the sort of thing I would prefer not to think about as the idea of my kids being victims of strange teachers horrifies me as it does all parents. Here in Germany in a recent case, a man got 5 years after abusing the kids in his kindergarten over the years, since he scarred these kids for life maybe the electric chair would have been more appropriate.

The teacher's hair was used to make a doll, and that doll spent much of its time in a coffin/penalty box! Something weird is going on in those classes. Mr. Tobias is bad and must be punished indeed.


*Quill*Mechanical issues

No obvious errors.


Thanks for sharing.

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#2259390 by LightinMind


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8
8
Review of Heartbreak  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Purple Princess . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I received "Heartbreak"  via the random 'read & review' button. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

A simple five-line poem describing the descent from love to loneliness.


*Quill*Commentary

This is my reading of what you wrote, as it read to me, feel free to disagree with me.

I liked your poem which deals with a slow fade situation regarding the loss of love. My own experience is a little different from this. Having recently seen love obliterated by another's decision I think I would rephrase this poem:

My love
Obliterated by choice
The explosion blasts through
My heart, body, soul and mind
Ripping away all feelings of warmth

But people prefer tragedies to divorces and fond memories to the incredulous dismissal of the value of what once was clear.

*Quill*Mechanical issues

You use one full stop but actually, this could be two sentences with a full stop after the second line. So maybe just lose the full stop and leave without those


Thanks for sharing.

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#2259390 by LightinMind


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


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9
9
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Dr M C Gupta . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I received "LORD, BESTOW GRACE"  via the random 'read & review' button. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

A poem mourning the loss of 100 children in the Kumbakonam fire in Tamilnadu, South India, on 16 July 2004

*Quill*Commentary

This is my own reading of what you wrote, as it read to me, feel free to disagree with me.

Something is devastating about children dying prematurely like this and in such a horrific way. It is an occasion to pray for those who were left behind and in memory of those who were lost.

This poem does not question the goodness of God and I would agree that would be unnecessary as who can grasp God's Sovereign and perfect plans? It reads like a prayer in which the author never knew or connected to those whose loss is still so near and absolute.

Additionally, it does not describe the graphic ways in which the children died, nor invest much in the primal scream of a parent who lost their child. The emotion is stifled by the form of the rhyme and the narrator's abstract and objective tone.

I wonder what God thinks of prayers of perfect form that lack the feelings that fit the occasion and substance of what is said.


*Quill*Mechanical issues

Focused on the content.


Thanks for sharing.

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#2259390 by LightinMind


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


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10
10
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, Beck Firing back up! . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I received "A Family's Past - the Premise"  via the random 'read & review' button. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

A tale of greed, friendship, plots and integrity. Can Trent choose to do the right thing even if it costs him his dreams of an effortless life with old money to back his lifestyle up. Will Keith or circumstances seduce Trent to the dark side?


*Quill*Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

This is my reading of what you wrote, as it read to me, feel free to disagree with me.

You described Trent, the chief protagonist, as trusting, as coming from the side of the family that worked, as having a father who decided to show integrity even though it had cost him a fortune. But Trent missed the bank account and large estates and wanted more than a salaried existence was ever going to yield him.

Cousin Keith sounds like a bit of a prankster taking advantage of Trent's naivety and trusting nature. He comes from money and is happy to share with Trent but that self-confidence may also have corrupted him in some way.

Aunt Diane sounds something like pure evil and will kill to maintain the advantages of the old money lifestyle.

The plot is all about greed and how the different characters handle the temptations of great wealth. Theft and covetousness, greed and envy are the sins here. The prize is either the great big houses and the effortless lifestyles or a clean conscience.

This storyline brings out the worst of America in my view. It is about a hollow WASP elite with a sense of built-in entitlement based on bank balances. It seems to ignore more central human aspirations for life, love, light, and more positive reasons to live not just for oneself but for others also. Their plots and plans do not interest me so much as Trent's father who showed the moral backbone to walk away from an unearned lifestyle and work for a living in a more simple style. If Trent can follow his father and navigate a way through the mess of attractions that Wealth offers then I think the book is something worth reading. If it is just another Trumpian, Dynasty-like tale of the fabulously rich misbehaving then it is far less interesting.

*Quill*Mechanical issues

Focused on the content.


Thanks for sharing.

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#2259390 by LightinMind


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11
11
Review of I'm Waiting  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Jacky . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I received "I'm Waiting"  via the random 'read & review' button. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

Hating Winter in the mountains of Wyoming is not a popular opinion in the state but not without some credibility...

*Quill*Commentary

This is my reading of what you wrote, as it read to me, feel free to disagree with me.

Winter is my least favorite season also. This Winter I had no car and did all my shopping on a bike with waterproof bike bags. The ice was terrible this season and I was falling all over the place. I guess a bike would be impossible in Wyoming given the mountains and more extreme climate there.

But I do remember loving Winter as a kid making snowmen and sledging and skiing. Also, the Rockies do look pretty cool in Winter.

I liked your piece for the way it brought up how people speak about shared features of their culture. There is usually a positive slant to things that are entrenched parts of a community experience. It helps to define their identities.

Winter in Wyoming is something that modern technology allows a person to survive with more ease than in the past. Homes are heated, Clothing and shoes are waterproof and warm, roads are cleared by snow plows and modern cars have better brakes and road handling. But for the first settlers, I imagine your view would probably have been more prevalent. For them Winter was a test to pass, when the old and the weak were culled, where the unprepared starved or froze to death.


*Quill*Mechanical issues

Focused on the content.


Thanks for sharing.

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#2259390 by LightinMind


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


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12
12
Review of Felt  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Twit . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I received "Felt "  via the random 'read & review' button. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

If love dies, why do we try? Love should be better than this...


*Quill*Commentary

This is my reading of what you wrote, as it read to me, feel free to disagree with me.

Well, there is love then there is love. Romantic love seems highly perishable and especially in an era of high-maintenance individualism and rampant divorce.

The author mourns the two-fold death of love and yearns for a love that will last as do we all in the end.

The Greeks had three words for love: philia (family/friends), agape (eternal/absolute) and eros (sexual). The modern era focuses love on its most selfish form of eros and this is the one that is least stable and most prone to fail. People live longer and marriages have to pass the test of the extra decades in an era when it is all too easy to step away and break your promises and moral relativism has clouded people's minds about the value of commitment and morality. In the end, marriages fail or grow toxic because one party or both stop making those little choices to make it work. People think the feelings trump all when in fact love is a choice and an act of will first and foremost and the feelings follow that.

I liked this poem because it is honest about what has happened and aspires for more. It remains committed to love even though all experience has refuted that faith. In the end love matters, does endure and lifts us rather than crushes us down.

By the way, there is no I in love. More than 50% of the lines had I in.

*Quill*Mechanical issues

Irregular line lengths and tonal rhythm without rhyme or discernible structure. This was a free verse driven by its content.

Thanks for sharing.

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#2259390 by LightinMind


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


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13
13
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, Chowtyme . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I received "The Persistent Mr. Monroe"  via an official email with a recommended item list and yours looked interesting. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

An amusing story about a big cat, an ex-drunk, a rat, and a flock of church-goers.


*Quill*Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

I loved this. We had a cat for many years and so I was quite familiar with the theme of its prey being brought as trophy gifts for the owners. I did not understand why Dempsey did not allow the cat to simply finish off the gopher or indeed kill it himself, as I had to do multiple times. Maybe that would have been easier.

You set the scene very well by summoning a picture of lions in the African Wilderness. The use of the word Pride in this case implies a pack but a household tabby like Mr Monroe is never in a pack. The pride of Dempsey is challenged by this highly public encounter. The Lord of the Dance scene was hilarious. The churchgoers all think he is still a drunk and the priest seems disappointed because of that. Maybe Dempsey should speak with Father Mike and let him know that his prayers were not unanswered despite the way things appear.

I loved the line, "between predator and pray."


*Quill*Mechanical issues

Focused on the content.


Thanks for sharing.

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#2259390 by LightinMind


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


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14
14
Review of Eyes in a drawer  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, Eight-7 . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I received "Eyes in a drawer"  via an official email with a recommended item list and yours looked interesting. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

His late wife's father passed the shop to him but unlike him, Wilbur was a greedy and dishonest trader. He sold old furniture inaccurately describing it as colonial era. The previous owner had suggested that you look customers in the eye, to establish trust, as the eyes were the windows to the soul. Wilbur never really took that advice, after all, what was in Wilbur's soul?...

*Quill*Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

The greed and unrighteous trading leave little to like about Wilbur and Shelley and there are no good characters here to balance the dirt in their souls. Maybe Thelma Parker could have been developed into a purer character that he had wronged somehow. You have the vengeance originate from the things he sells rather than a human being whom he wronged.

That was a spooky ending and I had to reread it a few times to understand it. I guess there was poetic justice in a fraudulent salesman being eyed up by the genuine article.

Thanks for an interesting read.

*Quill*Mechanical issues

Focused on the content but separating paragraphs and dialog especially might have helped the presentation and ease of reading.


Thanks for sharing.

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#2259390 by LightinMind


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15
15
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, WritingCoffeeBear . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I received "Unforgettable Stranger"  via an official email with a recommended item list and yours looked interesting. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

A coffee drinker meets the attractive business owner of the establishment as well as the two buildings on either side of it. In a wordless exchange, she makes an impression and he will never forget her impact...

*Quill*Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

Your description asked the question, "Who is your unforgettable stranger?" This immediately had me going through a list of memorable moments like:

The poor immigrant who ran after me to give me the laptop I left on the train.
The special forces soldier that I met in Athens who sold me 'Thus Spake Zarathustra.'
A woman I kissed once whose name I never knew and with whom I never properly spoke.
A man who shared about Jesus with me, I still see the glow in his eyes and carry the feeling of the cleanness of his spirit.

But you focused this on an attractive woman in her late thirties/early forties as befits the romance genre.

I read the story through and with a shock, I realized you never really even spoken with her. You have descriptions of smiles and looks and presence but no actual interaction with this woman. Yet you know a great deal about her. Reading between the lines it seems clear she is aware of what you think and of your attention and might even enjoy it but you will never know for sure unless you speak and ask her. There is always a degree of courage in speaking with someone for the first time who makes you feel and especially if a negative reaction might jeopardize a place of tranquility, dreams and stories where you write the narrative, not to mention a place that serves great coffee.

*Quill*Mechanical issues

Focused on the content.


Thanks for sharing.

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#2259390 by LightinMind


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16
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Review of Why do I write?  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Mousethyme . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I received "Why do I write?"  via the random 'read & review' button. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

Why does the author write even though not an internationally renowned bestseller? Maybe she should just give up writing. Here she explains why that is not possible...

*Quill*Commentary

This is my reading of what you wrote, as it read to me, feel free to disagree with me.

Some of the most interesting stories that I read do not sell in the market square. Some of the most important events in human history are not shared or communicated because they offend the sensibilities of those who control the flow of news or exclude market segments that they wish to appeal to. One reason I like this site is that includes raw writers who are not dressed in the masks of public acceptability and who have not watered down their views to echo the spirit of the age. Of course that makes some stuff here the stuff of looney tunes but diamonds in the coal mine can also be found here.

You spoke of winning at writing in terms of sales and recognition but many great writers were only recognized after they died. Great writers do not always fit in the era and cultures they inhabit yet nonetheless describe them and understand them more profoundly than others. 'A prophet is without honor in his own country' is as true now as it ever was. People in power want their prejudices pampered and businessmen want the widest possible audience so moral relativism and inoffensive cliches work better than clear convictions in the modern context. Most people have their bubbles of consciousness and many never let others invade that space.

Like you, I write because I have to. There are times when I do not write and it feels odd and like wasted time. I see something, like on a walk yesterday and I must write it down, otherwise, the risk is that I will forget it and the story will never be told. A two-year-old boy rode his pedal-less first bike onto the road right in front of me followed by a frantic father who proceeded to lecture him. It is a story that could have been a tragedy, now instead a lesson and it is a testimony of a father's love and the near-fatal impetuousness of a boy feeling the freedom and speed of his bike for the first time. Writing is a kind of therapy and also I think it makes us better and more observant people. When people speak we have extra tools to assess their dialog and their motives, the body language and context in which they speak reveal more. Maybe everybody should be a writer and if they were would they not get on better for all that extra understanding?

*Quill*Mechanical issues

Focused on the content.


Thanks for sharing.

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#2259390 by LightinMind


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


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17
17
Review of Sign  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, Sunshine, Lollipops . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I originally received "Sign"  via the random 'read & review' button but have saved it for some time now. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

A poem by a dog lover about a lost cat sign...

*Quill*Commentary

This is my reading of what you wrote, as it read to me, feel free to disagree with me.

Germany has more pets than children and apparently, the pope is worried about the psychological impact of our preoccupation with animals rather than natural reproduction and the raising of families.

As someone who had a cat for 18 years, recently deceased I could not sympathize with your preference for dogs. But you are right cats follow their self-interest and are more likely to come back if you pamper them with love and deal with all their comfort requirements. They remind me of the kind of beautiful woman who really only stays with you so long as it is in her interest to do so and nothing better comes along. At the end of the day looking after a cat is all about pampering the purr factor.


*Quill*Mechanical issues

This did not feel like a poem to me but rather prose

Thanks for sharing.

2023 Quill Nominee

 
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#2259390 by LightinMind


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18
18
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, Wolfius . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I received "A Ferocious Squirrel"  via an official email with a recommended item list and yours looked interesting. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

She wanted to make fun of a squirrel but the ferocious fiend had different ideas...

*Quill*Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

You focus the story on the squirrel as befits the animal genre.

The human presence here is woken by sunshine and propelled outside in their PJs by an apparent fascination with squirrels. The desire to mock the squirrel seems playful in the context of the rest of what you said. But clearly, the squirrel does not interpret it like that.

You spoke about a brown squirrel which immediately made me wonder if you had ever seen a squirrel which are exclusively red or grey in my experience. Also, you spoke about an aggressive squirrel when these are usually timid and unless protecting young or a major food stockpile would be unlikely to attack humans. But I looked this up and found there are brown and indeed even black squirrels out there. I guess also because this was a dream we can allow the extra license about the details.

I found the account of the bloodless gash broke the credibility of the narrative by introducing an unnecessary fantasy element. If you are cut then you bleed in the real world. Also, I did not see how it contributed to the storyline which was focused on the squirrel.

The lesson of the dream seemed wrong as squirrels are shy and do not attack people like this. We have some in our garden, I was just watching one try to climb into the bird feeder which we have rat-proofed against ground ascent and so he did not succeed and trundled off.

*Quill*Mechanical issues

Focused on the content.


Thanks for sharing.

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#2259390 by LightinMind


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19
19
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, BB . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I received "Beautifully Broken "  via an official email with a recommended item list and yours looked interesting. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

A beautifully broken person argues their worth...

*Quill*Commentary

The world can be brutal and a culture that constructs tiny bubbles of self-consciousness around every individual, staring into their mobiles, is going to experience its harsh critique. Too many people lack the basic skills to sift facts from fiction and to build lasting perspectives, based on trustworthy sources and relationships, that can survive life's struggles

Brokenness can come from traumatic events like losing a job, the breaking of a relationship, major injury, the experience of loss, or war...

This poem does not specify the hows and whys of the state of brokenness but tries to deal with it.

My question was did the solution make sense and would the person's self-esteem be enhanced by it?

The first stanza is simply an assertion - may be shouted in contradiction to a put-down spoken by someone else.

The second stanza expresses hope, that the bad situation the person finds themselves in can be reversed, but gives no reasons or faith-based trust to support that hope.

The third stanza expresses a realistic appraisal of the author's current weakness but again a conviction that there are still things that can be done to remedy their situation. These are unspecified and need to be taken on trust.

The fourth expresses the view that what the author has is enough to stare down whatever trouble they are passing through. To paraphrase Churchill, if you find yourself in hell, keep going!

I did not find much substantial reason to believe that brokenness could be overcome by the poem itself. However in the text that followed you suggested looking outwards and using the pains of your experience to bless others, asserting oneself despite the stigma that others had imposed, and having a determination to persevere. I felt your assertions were still vulnerable to truly nasty people. I try and base my convictions on what would survive torture and an extremely clever person who had absolute control over all the worldly variables in my life - like a Gestapo Officer in WW2, or a KGB agent in the Cold War or an Islamist who has me holed up in an Afghan cave.

In the end, I deal with my brokenness on a different foundation that no one else can undermine. I am made in God's image with that dignity, I am saved by an act of God for me, and I have an eternal future with God. What the world says and the considerable pain and brutality that it loads on me does not matter compared to that. I find the strength to persevere, to unpick the lies that others speak and to love despite all that I have experienced because God loves me. I am beautiful because he says I am and that will last forever. I am broken but He will make me whole because that is what He does for all who trust in Him. His grace shines in my weakness because my brokenness is an opportunity for Him to shine.

*Quill*Mechanical issues

I focused on the content. But this was not a poem so much as prose on beauty and brokenness.


Thanks for sharing.

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#2259390 by LightinMind


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20
20
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, Richard . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I received "Son of the devil "  via an official email with a recommended item list and yours looked interesting. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

The boy was called the 'Son of the Devil' but when a drought hit his village he embarked on a quest to save them all...

*Quill*Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

The key character is Malik who is reputed to be the 'Son of the Devil' because the villagers gossip about his father being a powerful demon. This implies that Malik grows up without a human father whose presence would have refuted these rumors. But nothing is said about the struggles of a single mother parent or what happened to his father. There is potential to develop his character in these missing spaces.

The story has a character of a fable in which the characters are puppets to the theme.

Despite being the reputed 'Son of the Devil' the villagers did not blame him for the drought that came upon them. That seems unlikely. If he was regarded as evil they would have attributed their cursed circumstances to him also.

Despite being the victim of hearsay all his life Malik follows hearsay about a legendary Spring to leave the village.

The 'Son of the Devil' implies a supernatural origin and power to the boy. In the end, it is not his character that wins the favor of the villagers but rather the fact that he uses a supernatural power to their advantage. In medieval times in Europe, such an act of benevolence by a white witch would probably still lead to her execution.

The dangers and trials of Malik's quest are not described except in passing. You imply a book-length assessment of his story needs to be written and you have a good storyline here to base that on.

Malik's motives are pure but his power comes from the Sacred Spring. Sacred to whom, to which deity? Is there a price to this magic or is this the gift of a loving God?

The fatherless orphan moves from being the 'Son of the Devil' to being the 'Hero of the Village.' He had to leave them, accomplish great deeds, and then return for this to happen. This is the story of a character so strong that it even helps those who have shown only rejection and scorn before this moment. Malik's motive is love and a goodness of heart and character. As Martin Luther King once said,

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. MLK - 'I Have a Dream' - Aug. 28, 1963


*Quill*Mechanical issues

Missing commas e.g.

Once upon a time in a small village, - needs a comma after time.

You might want to check on the use of passive voice. Active voice is more engaging.


Thanks for sharing.

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#2259390 by LightinMind


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21
21
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, زيزفونة . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I received "The Wise Carpenter "  via an official email with a recommended item list and yours looked interesting. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

The young intern is struggling and frustrated with the imperfection of his work. The older master of his craft can offer wisdom and helpful advice.

*Quill*Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

The characters here, Tom and Mr. Smith are puppets of the theme. They are nondescript with anonymous names, focusing the reader's attention on the message the author is trying to share.

I have decades of experience in my profession, the skills required are continually changing and so a process of perpetual learning is required. Other professions may reach a point where they see perfection in all that is done but I am not sure that is possible in the world I live in. What I do now is better than what I did ten years ago and not just different, but I could not have looked on what I did then with the precision with which I now see it, because the tools did not exist to make that possible. Yesterday I retired a technical solution that was years ahead of its time ten years ago. It looks limited and boring now compared to what can be done. So does anyone ever truly become a Mr.Smith?

Tom seems like the man who picks up a guitar and wants to play 'Stairway to Heaven' in a single day. He does not even know the basics yet - a carpenter must understand how to hammer a nail in.

The basic point of your story was about how state of mind affects performance. This is a factor though you also need to learn basic skills. Training can overcome the heart and even hollow men can hammer nails when so educated.


*Quill*Mechanical issues

Maybe some paragraphs would have helped here, especially with the dialog, and spaces after full stops.

This would have helped you to see missing quotations around dialog sections.

Missing a space here: Themoral


Thanks for sharing.

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#2259390 by LightinMind


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


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22
22
Review of Old Ball Game  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, Damon Nomad . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I received "Old Ball Game"  via the entry list for the WDC contest. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

Baseball, music, memory and death all combine in a magical account of a life.

*Quill*Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

This sounded very authentic like you were there in the old Ebbets Field stadium of the Brooklyn Dodgers. I understand they upped and moved to Los Angeles and the stadium was demolished in 1960. So this story is a trip down memory lane with references to the Korean War for example.

I loved how the details complemented the theme here, the songs created the mood and the feelings of a little boy with his dad. This was a last-time adventure story for that boy with a father who would die serving his country. It was a special memory that helped to ease the transition to the next life as his father and mother smiled at him from a tunnel of light.

The story made me wonder what memories I would rehearse in those final moments. Your death scene was uniquely American, localized to New York and to a family feeling in which the mother had not remarried after her war veteran died, and there was not that awkwardness of which father would be smiling from the pearly gates and which music would be playing from which memory. The purity worked, and the conservative feel of family values worked for me. It was all apple pie and sunshine but we all need to hear that to remind us of that better place where the brokenness and dysfunctionality of this world cannot intrude.

*Quill*Mechanical issues

Nothing major to say here.


Thanks for sharing.

2023 Quill Nominee

 
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My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing  (E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
23
23
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, Lakin I found "Negative Voice: a testament of fragments"  when searching for articles on Shoah. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

A child in the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum looks horror in the face and hears the story of the dead from the Shoah. Meanwhile, the ground beneath his feet heaves with the breathing of those who perished. Is this Catastrophe too much to bear, have we learned anything from man's inhumanity to man?

*Quill*Commentary

This is powerfully written and brings the experience of the holocaust alive even though it was secondhand.

I guess a great many people never really let the true horror in. They never ride in those suffocating, crowded red coaches with the victims to the place where they will be murdered. The train passes cherry trees in full bloom, a vision of beauty and normality in an abnormal and deeply dysfunctional world. Piles of shoes stolen from the dead, black and white pictures of hollowed eyes and emaciated naked forms, they were human once, if we look more closely the image of God is still there!

The crimes are too great for language itself to articulate, we scratch at the surface of this horror with superlatives and cliches but we were not there. These victims were not saints but rather people just like us. Should any human being experience what they did? It is easy to say never again but humanity seems incapable of learning from its past. 1.5 million dead Jewish children was not enough to wipe out the sins that caused this ruin, they still lurk in the hearts of people everywhere.

The image of the Earth swelling with the breathing of the dead is a haunting one. We circle this heart of darkness, tiptoe over broken glass and shattered memory but do we ever really see what is there? Maybe as you say, only a child can truly see what monsters lurk in our past.


*Quill*Mechanical issues

Did not matter - this was about the content.


Thanks for sharing.

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#2259390 by LightinMind


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24
24
Review of Shoah  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello, Willow Hart I found "Shoah"  when searching for articles on Shoah. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

A poem about the holocaust, about the experience of being transported in stuffy rail coaches to be burned alive in concentration camps or to die by other means. This must never happen again.

*Quill*Commentary

The word holocaust means burnt offering. The word Shoah means catastrophic destruction. Both words capture what happened here

The Nazi plan made no sense to me from the perspective of their racial ideology. They had a social Darwinist view of evolution that came down to the view that the strongest races must prevail but their genocide of the Jews merely strengthened world Jewry. For example between 1933-1939 the richest and most successful Jews were able to leave Germany and Europe and many did so some coming to the USA. The ones that were left were the old, the poor and those who had not got the means to flee. So in effect, the Nazis let the strong Jews go and then purged the weaker ones. Furthermore, they activated a Christian compassion for the Jews which through such people as President Truman ultimately led to the foundation of the state of Israel. The Nazis in effect achieved the exact opposite of what they set out to do.

It was only in 1941 that the plan of mass genocide was set in motion and most of the 6 million Jews killed were dead by 1942. Before that other means were tried like crowding the Jews into unhealthy ghettos and pushing them to emigrate. After that the machinery of the holocaust was then used on Poles and Russian Slavs.

The racial ideology that put yellow stars on its victims was nonsense, inconsistently applied and ultimately doomed to failure.

Your poem is narrated rather than a demonstration of the feelings of the victims. You describe what happens but do not enter into the experience of terror and injustice, the agony of having loved ones ripped away forever, the brisk march to the gas chambers stripped naked and humiliated, the feelings that God had abandoned them nor the slow degradation of health experienced by many of the victims.

*Quill*Mechanical issues

This is content-driven and could be prose or free verse, it is unclear.


Thanks for sharing.

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#2259390 by LightinMind


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25
25
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello, Puds I found "A Day Never to Be Forgotten"  when searching for articles on Shoah. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

A poem about the liberation experience of 25 holocaust survivors when the Americans liberated the extermination camps.

*Quill*Commentary

It is Easter time, the time of resurrection, and I am writing many years after the events described. Living in Germany as I do I have visited some of these camps where the murders took place. They are museums now that exhibit in photos, artifacts and text something of the horrors that took place there. But it takes the written text to make these experiences come alive.

I am not sure if you wrote this, your description suggests not but that does not diminish its power or reviewability.

My favorite bits included the vision of the car with the white star coming down the hill. The Americans are coming - we are free! This is how America was regarded for much of the post-war period, as a liberator. I also liked how the survivors were able to self-describe themselves as Jews again and how that gesture restored their humanity.

*Quill*Mechanical issues

This was shared not written and somehow correcting the grammar of people who have suffered the Shoah seems inappropriate anyway.

Thanks for sharing.

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#2259390 by LightinMind


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


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