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 |  This is a continuation of my blogging here at WdC |
| Process Of Editing I was asked by a friend to read over a flash fiction piece for a school project (she is an ESL student doing high school at age 37; kudos to her, I say). The prompts were: young adult or children audience, exactly 500 words, mystery or ghost story. Here is what she gave me: The house was a large one, built at the start of the nineteenth century by a family that had fled Prussia. It had remained in the same family for generations, until, local stories said, the Great Depression, when the family’s fortunes took a downturn. The people said that they stayed there, as they did own it, but it fell apart, with holes in the roof, broken windows and peeling paint making it look like a deserted place. That was how it was when the two girls went to it. Emily, who was fifteen with blonde hair, brown eyes and a cute nose, was the one who had been keen, while Katy, who was sixteen with mousy brown hair she wore in a pixie cut, blue eyes and a body that was a little bit overweight, had not been as eager. But Emily, as was usual, got her way. It was late at night. They went to the front door and Emily pushed it and it opened with a loud squeak that made the two girls jump. “I want to go home.” Katy whined. “It’s been empty for years.” Emily told her off. “I just want to look around.” “I still don’t like it.” Katy said. They went in and they walked down the hallways with echoes being made by their feet. It was eerie. Suddenly they heard a creak. “What was that?” Katy asked. “Just the building moving.” Emily said. “They settle.” It came again and Katy screamed a bit. “That’s not settling.” She whispered. “Maybe there’s a raccoon or something. It could of got stuck here.” Emily said. “Whose there?” asked a person with a soft voice. It sounded like a girl. “We have to go!” Katy screamed. “We’re just looking around.” Emily said. A girl’s head appeared in the doorway. She looked about the same age as Emily and Katy. She was the same height as them and was wearing old clothes and her long hair was not brushed properly. She had blue eyes and her body was really thin. “We live here.” The girl said. “I’m Emily. This is Katy.” Emily said. “Is your family here?” Emily asked. “Its just me and my mom. She’s asleep.” The girl said. “How long have you lived here?” Emily asked. “All my life.” The girl said. “I don’t remember you from school.” Katy said. “I am home-schooled.” She said. “Do you have any friends?” Emily asked. “No.” The girl said. “We can be your friends.” Katy said. “Really?” The girl said and she was excited. “Really.” Emily said. “Wow! Thank you!” The girl said and then she suddenly faded in front of them like she was made of mist. Emily and Katy ran out of the house. “But your my friends!” The girl called after them. Emily and Katy stopped. “Does it matter that she’s a ghost?” Emily asked. “I guess not.” Katy said. Katy and Emily went back to their new ghost friend and they had a good time. Now, she is a reader, and her oral English is very good, with just a hint of her accent. She has a good vocabulary, and is picking up punctuation and grammar well. Anyway, here is how I helped her: The house was a large one, built at the start of the nineteenth century by a family that had fled Prussia. It had remained in the same family for generations, until, local stories said, the Great Depression, when the family’s fortunes took a downturn. The people said that they stayed there, as they did own it, but it fell apart, with holes in the roof, broken windows and peeling paint making it look like a deserted place. That was how it was when the two girls went to it. Emily, who was fifteen with blonde hair, brown eyes and a cute nose, was the one who had been keen, while Katy, who was sixteen with mousy brown hair she wore in a pixie cut, blue eyes and a body that was a little bit overweight, had not been as eager. But Emily, as was usual, got her way. This is all an info dump. The descriptions of the girls mean nothing to the story, and the house history feels like it is just told. Make it more organic. Emily and Katy stopped at the bottom of the path, looking at the old house. In the murkiness of the early night, the peeling paintwork, shattered windows and holey roof made it look more like a derelict building than they had imagined. It was some distance out of their town, and they only went past it rarely when travelling with their families, and like this, it was beyond what they had expected. ”I don’t like this,” Katy whispered. ”It’s just an old house,” Emily said, laughing as she spoke. ”They say it’s haunted.” ”Come on. They say that about every old house.” ”But no-one knows what happened to the family!” Katy shook her head. “My dad says that a family came here from Prussia and built it like in the nineteenth century and they lived there forever but they lost it in the Great Depression. Dad says they stayed here and died because they couldn’t afford anything.” ”And my grandma says that’s all bunkum,” Emily countered. “They just moved out because they ran out of money.” Emily smiled, looking at her friend out of the corners of her eyes. “I’m going in. You can stay out here.” Katy sighed. She might have been a year older than her friend, but Emily always got her way. Like now.Note how I introduced the history in a conversation. It was late at night. They went to approached the front door and Emily pushed it. and iIt opened with a loud squeak, making that made the two girls jump. “I want to go home.,” Katy whined. “It’s been empty for years.,” Emily told her offcountered. “Come on, I just want to look around.” “I still don’t like it.,” Katy said.whispered, her voice trembling. They went in and they walked down the hallways with echoes being made by their feet. It was eerie. passive voice, wordy and then tell. They entered and made their way down the hallway, each step echoing in the empty shell of the building, making it seem like there were more than the two of them there. Katy grabbed Emily’s arm; Emily didn’t want to admit it, but having Katy so close made her feel better about being in here, in the darkness. Suddenly they heard a creak. A creak sounded from deeper in the house, surrounding them like a physical force. “What was that?” Katy asked, clutching Emily tighter. “Just the building moving.,” Emily said. “They settle.” It came again and Katy screamed a bitlet out a strangled scream. “That’s not settling.” S,” she whispered. “Maybe there’s a raccoon or something. It could ofhave got stuck here.,” Emily said, forcing herself to sound more confident than she felt. “Whose’s there?” asked a person with a soft voice. It sounded like a girl.they couldn’t see in a soft voice. “We have to go!” Katy screamed. Emily ignored her friend. “We’re just looking around.,”she Emily said.called into the darkness A girl’s head blue light appeared in the doorway, followed by the head of a girl about their mid-teen age with disheveled hair and a body that looked painfully thin.. She looked about the same age as Emily and Katy. She was the same height as them and was wearing old clothes and her long hair was not brushed properly. She had blue eyes and her body was really thin. “We live here.,” The girlshe said. Emily offered her a grin. “I’m Emily. This is Katy.,” Emilyshe said. “Is your family here?” Emily asked. “It’s just me and my mom. She’s asleep.,” Tthe girl saidreplied. “How long have you lived here?” Emily asked. “All my life.” The girl said. “I don’t remember you from school.,” Katy said, keeping hold of Emily’s arm. “I am home-schooled.” She said.The girl shrugged and gave them a sad smile. ”home-schooled” does not work with the final reveal “Do you have any friends?” Emily asked. “No.” The girl said.The girl shook her head. I don’t think she’d answer with words. But what a weird first question. Why not her name or something? “We can be your friends.,” Katy said. “Really?” The girl said and she wasappeared excited. “Really.,” Emily said. “Wow! Thank you!” Tthe girl said and then she suddenly faded in front of them, fading like she was made of mist, the blue light disappearing with her. Emily and Katy turned and ran out of the house. “But youryou’re my friends!” Tthe girl’s voice called after them. Emily and Katy stopped. “Does it matter that she’s a ghost?” Emily asked. “I guess not.,” Katy saidreplied. Katy and Emily went backreturned to their new ghost friend and they had a good time., not sure what was going to happen, but ready for a new adventure. Now, this is a quick edit I gave her – she gave me a whole hour to read it over! – and she took it and then added or took some more words to make the 500 hard word count. The things in italics are my notes for her. While this is a quick one, I think it does show the sorts of things editors can look for in a work. Now, I did 2 things wrong here. One, I rewrote the opening for her. I would normally not do that, but detail everything I thought was not working, and offer suggestions. However, she is a good friend, and she accepted it. Two, I added way too many extra phrases, and this relates to number one. If I do not know a person I am editing so much, I will not do that. However, I have shown this with my own editing no-nos included to give an example of how to (hopefully) make a work a little more readable for a reader. Improved? That is a matter of opinion. Anyway, I hope this helps someone. |
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