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Things I find myself only able to express in words and in this journal - welcome! |
| I've been meaning to write for almost 2 weeks now I think. In fact, I'd typed about a page one night, but then I fell asleep on my bed, in front of my computer. I woke up about 45 minutes later, absent-mindedly shut down my computer and lost everything. Just a few days after that, I got my wisdom teeth taken out. Needless to say, I really wasn't feeling up to writing during the next several days. Not to say that I'll be able to get what all I want to talk about down all at once. I've not felt good the past couple of days. Today I've felt like I've had a slight fever all day and just waves of nausea. Lately I keep hearing about people I went to high school with, how they're doing, etc. But lately, it's just kind of made me feel old, haha. I went out with Critter a lil over a week ago and in some ways, I really hate going out with her. For the most part, it's pleasant. But we always get to talking about other people and what they're up to and it's normally always who's gotten married, who's had a baby, etc., or bout her own relationship. It always annoys me because I can't talk about several different aspects of my life. I can't go "oh yea, I know what you mean!" because as far as she's concerned, I don't. However, she brought up an interesting point... well... hilarious to me. She said something about me being the only girl friend she has that she ever felt like she could trust with a guy she liked. *snickers* I wonder why... haha. But even if I were straight, it wouldn't matter. She and I have always had different types... I've never been able to see why she thought a guy was cute. None of her boyfriends have been cute to me anyways. I definitely have a certain type of guy I think is attractive. (They're normally Jewish, for some reason. Like the guy off Numbers... I can name about 3-4 others that are Jewish and I thought they were cute before I knew that... oh and/or someone like Joe Nichols) Okay, let's see, there was more. (Starting this again on 7-11, it was 7-8 when I first wrote.) My mother and I were talking the other night... which isn't too uncommon in the summer. Most of the school year... not really happening as often. Anyways, my father has been annoying us both. For various reasons... and just in general, has been somewhat of a pain to live with/be around. To go into all the reasons would take longer than I really have time for. I've felt like a lot of has to do with him feeling like he doesn't have any friends. He finally admitted that it's been bothering him that most all the male friends he's had over the years have died. And there's various other lil things. I digress. I mentioned having something in common with Lily. I let people run over me more than I should. I'm too nice for my own good. But that I've never let anyone really mess up my life. Ugh, the thing that she said next, omg. She said she felt I'd let people mess up my life. *pause* When I made that statement, I meant that I've never done anything like Lily or Jen. Lily = i.e. letting someone borrow your car who leaves it, running, at a club, with bullet cases outside of the door, pot in the car, and letting the police find it. Ah, and that someone who never ever gets her car back to her on time when she needs it to pick up her kid. Jen = helping out her drug selling NYC friends who were having trouble selling ecstasy in NYC. (Yea, right.) So, she completely missed my point, and pissed me off for saying that. I came back with something along the lines of "I don't think I have, I don't have any regrets. I have mistakes I've made, sure, but in the end, they aren't that important." She pointed out some examples... they are there, friends who've taken advantage of my willingness to help or be understanding, oh yea, I see them too.... but if they're going to take advantage of me, then they're not really that good of friends. And anyway, that's not quite the same devastating thing as the aforementioned examples. Also, earlier in the summer, I had this realization of no wonder I didn't have better self-esteem about my body. I mean first of all, there was essentially my mom making the comment when I was 16, that I was only thinking I was bisexual because I thought I was too ugly to get a guy to like me. (Jeez, in retrospect.) But, she's not a good role model. And I get it, I do. All of her life, she's been told she's fat. Fat's not pretty. I got the teasing too. For a whole lot of reasons I understand it. But she never has been proud of it, of how she looks, etc. Or at least it doesn't seem that way. (Yes, I agree Manda... it would help if she'd wear her pants a different way, lol. I know what you were thinking.) So, years of things being this way fat = bad & ugly. Until Manda... really. Who I feel for because of all the effort she's put into trying to convince me, I do.... especially when it's only been more and more recently that I've finally, I do mean finally, started to be proud of who I am. That I'm not a size zero (no offense meant) and etc. A mostly positive self-image... it's amazing how much better I feel. Here's the thing too... now that I feel better about myself, I'm actually more willing to try to eat better and exercise. I know I'd feel a little better if I'd loose some weight, but it's because I want to be more active and feel strong, not because I'm ashamed. Although it may seem silly, I've tried to play the boxing game on the Wii for at least 30 minutes, 3 times a week. I think it shows by the fact I started at 0 skill and now am almost at 1400. Now, it's even to the point where I wish my mom could have at least a lil bit of this. I think it'd help her feel better about herself. I know it's was already bad, but now she constantly has one doctor or another telling her she's got to loose weight, etc. and it's never enough if she goes back and has lost 5-10lbs in a couple of weeks. One doctor told her he wanted her to loose that amount in 2 weeks and guess what? She did. Then it was 50lbs in 2 months. Admittedly that's only 6lbs a week... so she could probably have done it if she repeated the same thing. But I don't know why he couldn't have said like 25lbs, something a little more definite in attainability. K... so, my other point is... she has this whole handful of pills to take 2x a day. It worries me. For several reasons. So, she has one pill and when she takes it, it makes her legs feel like they're asleep (pins and needles) so she has to take another pill for that so they won't hurt so bad. Then the dude tells her that he feels like she might have an enlarged heart... (not that she does, but just, maybe.... ugh) and so he wants her on blood pressure pills. She has to go get blood taken every few months to test numerous things. The hilarious thing? She's never out of the average range on anything but her blood sugar, yet... she has all this crap that he wants her taking for her heart. Apparently there is an increased risk of heart attack with diabetes, but not with every person. Ok, more than anyone ever wanted to know about my mom's health, I'm sure. I just get kind of confused keeping up with it all. Of course on top of this, there's shots she's supposed to be doing 3 times a day (not insulin) to help her not eat that much so she'll loose weight. Since she's been taking these shots... I think she's only gained. (At least it appears to me that way, she was smaller before she started taking the shots.) So... ok... in addition to the general worry/confusion. It also makes me wonder about my own health. What to expect in the future. The genetic possibilities in my family scare me. My father's side of the family... er... there's this nervousness thing with my grandmother. I don't know if she was scared of crowds or what, but she never wanted to get out of her house. My aunt is paranoid. My uncle is just... well, I'm not sure what other than an asshole. My dad has this paranoia. They all exaggerate so bad sometimes. And oh a temper to go with it all. Quirky personalities on his side. My mom has the diabetes, high blood pressure, etc. covered. Not to mention the certifiable insanity. I look at both sides of my family and get a lil scared. The nervousness thing has always bothered me. I know it's there some. I keep seeing it get worse as I get older. It's why I'm glad to be with someone like Manda who'll get me to go do things, go out, go see, talk to people, and encourages me. I can mostly handle it myself, but sometimes I get a lil too nervous for my own good. Ok... there's a little bit more... but I'm going to stop. This is long enough. I may end up posting it as a couple of entries. But for now, my back hurts and I'm gonna go to bed. |
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