The Minefields of Separation and Divorce

New Relationships

For me, finding someone new was a very low priority. Here I am five years or more still single, with only a very brief stint at dating before I knew that I would let fate take care of companionship. Focusing on my kids was numero uno, my own health and fitness second. I took up a hobby, breeding Canaries, and if that didn't bring the ladies in nothing would. But for your ex-partner, this may not be as likely. It is so hard to think of someone you once held dear to your heart being with another, and for me, this drove my exercise sessions to new heights.

But what scared me the most was the thought of this new guy having access to my kids, the people I committed to protect, and who, if the unthinkable happened, I would never forgive myself for letting down. Of course, this is just your mind thinking of the worst case, and the reality is that 99.9% of men are normal, safe and decent. You may think of doing a little background check, but the trouble is your expectations may be slightly elevated, and what can you do if your investigations reveal indiscretions or an unsavoury past?

Communicate with your kids, ask if they are happy, tell them they can come to you and that you will keep what they say to yourself unless they are being hurt in some way. Because the fastest way to lose that trust within your relationship with them is to go tell your ex what they have just told you. No matter how much you think it is unjust, or unfair, if you do this it will blow up in your face. And the bottom line is those kids need a person they can come to and they can trust to keep what they say to themselves. So unless they are speaking of abuse, no matter how much you want to confront the other party, my strong advice is don't.

If you do meet someone, remember she too has an ex, he may be thinking in the same vein as yourself. This is hard because normal people would just approach the other man, shake his hand, introduce yourself, make clear that you yourself have kids and the same worries apply. Unfortunately with the tensions that may be there, this may not be the wisest play. But at some stage I feel that a breaking of the ice has to occur, and my way of thinking is the sooner this happens, the sooner you can both put the other in the 'He's alright' basket in your brain. Well, this is how I imagine it to be in a perfect world.

Having done the stepdad duties, raising my ex's son from age three until around sixteen, I can tell you that this job is fraught with danger. Underplay your role, and you will be looked upon as being inattentive or uncaring, overplay and you are the villain. Kids pick up on this very quickly, and a united front is the only way to cross the bounds of discipline, rules, and expectations. Kids are smart...way smarter than most adults give them credit for, and some separated or divorced parents fall into the trap of guilt. Poor John or poor Joan, having to deal with all of the negativity from divorcing parents. Yes, it is hard on them, but if you overcompensate, and actually get manipulated by those poor little darlings, this is a huge mistake, and one that if you fall for, will come back to bite you again and again as one relationship fails and another begins. The cycle of hurt and loss continuing is not good for anyone.