Complex Numbers

Cheeses Crust

PROMPT May 21st

Write an open letter to a person or group of people you strongly disagree with and explain why. Use reason not emotion.

Dear Chicago and environs (aka Chicagoland):

That thing you make? With the deep dish and soft bread and thick, gooey toppings?

That's not pizza.

I don't know how you can call it pizza, unless your definition of "pizza" equates to "casserole with bread on the bottom." It's more like a pot pie without a top crust, a crust which is replaced by extra thickness on the bottom one. Pizza -- real, actual, honest pizza -- involves a particular consistency of crust, and fewer toppings than it takes to choke a bear.

Now, don't get me wrong. It can be delicious. I have, indeed, enjoyed the taste of a deep-dish topless pot pie in the past, and probably will again if I can ever make another road trip, or at least find an abomination factory close by.

But it is not pizza.

I know you try very, very hard to distinguish your city from New York, and you mostly succeed. I mean, New York actually has functioning sportsball teams and slightly less crappy weather. But when it comes to pizza, the Platonic ideal comes from a little oven in Queens, run by actual Italian immigrants who only get heart attacks from hearing about how Chicago has mutilated the entire concept of pizza, not from eating said pie.

Oh, well. At least you don't put chili on top of pasta like they do in Cincinnati. But if your entire identity is "at least we're not Cincinnati," you have failed as a city.

Signed,
Waltz
(not an actual Italian)

P.S. California, you're next. Avocado is never an acceptable pizza topping, even if you do get the crust mostly right.

I warned y'all I would do this, and here it is:

A one-sentence movie review of Wrath of Man

While you can't go wrong casting Jason Statham, and the movie has an impressive body count and excellent gunfight scenes, there exists in the film a serious lack of car chases and explosions, two things that can elevate a film from merely good to a cinematic masterpiece.

Rating: 4/5