Comedy Dialogs Archive

The Birds and the Bees

Hey, Jane who are you talking to?

Jim keep your voice down, you will scare them off, I am feeding the birdies.

Ugh, what are those things, maggots?

Nah little worms soaked in water so they slip into the babies' mouths easier.

You have a lot of feeding stations out here.

Yes well, Mr. and Mrs. Robin have new babies to feed and the tits are due soon.

Tits?

Yes, you must have seen the great tits?

I see them every time you take your bra off darling. Ow! Why did you hit me?

The great tits are those small birds with black heads and the blue tits have blue heads.

Oh right, so where are the robin babies?

In our shed behind the bike repair kit. I have a camera set up watching them want to see them?

You have that stream to your mobile for bird babies, I thought I bought that for home security.

No, I use it to watch babies. They hatched last night and I made a video. I set it to music from the Lion King. Don't you read your Instagram?

Er no not that much.

I already have like 200 likes for it.

What is that buzzing sound?

Look up, that is the bees in the cherry blossom tree, they are trying to get the pollen before the flowers all fall.

Do you talk to them too?

No, because they never answer back and they are just all work so a little boring if truth be told.

Do the birds eat the bees?

Most not, and I try and scare away any swallows I see. Mr. and Mrs. Finch agree with me that bees are boring but they are a little scared of their stings so they just let them do their own thing....... Mr. Blackbird you greedy bugger, just how many worms can you fit in that big mouth of yours?

Oh, what are those blackish birds with the longer sharp beaks that just scared off Mr. Blackbird?

That's the Starling Gang, messy critters they are. They peck at everything and leave a big mess and they eat like crazy. I do not like them much.

Interesting.

Jim, do not move. Just whisper now.

Why? What is happening?

There is a sparrow hawk in the oak tree to your left, do not turn your head suddenly.

Yes, I see him.

He is after the small birds.

Well, they all seem to know he is here and have scattered in fact the garden is quite empty now. Shall we go inside?

Yes, a good idea. Mr. Magpie will not eat here until we leave the garden. He is quite shy.

Yes, let's go in so that Mr. Magpie can feed. Also, it is your turn to cook.

Can't you do that today I am busy talking with the birds and the bees?

No you know it does not work like that. And please no worms in the casserole!