Comedy Dialogs Archive

The Dragon and the Monkey

Yer 'onor t'anks for lettin' me speak.

Mr. Jackson, this is a requirement, not a gift please keep your testimony factual.

Yeh, yer 'onor. So dat night I had had a few brews.

Your Blood Alcohol Content was 0.25. Mr. Jackson, please keep your testimony factual or you will perjure yourself.

Yer 'onor, I ain't sure wot yer means, but as I said I was right pissed.

OK please continue.

Well, I remember climbing de yacht's mast to save de monkey.

There was no monkey.

Nah, t'were a monkey wi' a blue hat.

OK we will come back to that, please continue Mr. Jackson.

Well, de monkey was running away from the fire-breathing dragon and he was 'idin' sheepish like 'ind de mast.

Mr. Jackson!!

Nah, yer 'onor she was defo a dragon and so when I caught up with de monkey we decided we would stay up der while de dragon blew off steam.

'We decided'!? Dragons and monkeys...Mr. Jackson?

Yer thinks it's all 'ot air yer 'onor but I sees wot I sees. When de pigs showed at the boat-side, de dragon did a runner and de monkey scarpered sharpish like leaving me in de s***. Dats hows it went down.

OK Mr. Jackson, remain seated. I am going to ask you some questions now.

Mr. Jackson, you have admitted you did go onto the yacht called 'Mocking Bird', without the owner's permission, while it was docked at the St Ives quay, on the night in question.

Yeh, to saves de monkey.

Mr. Jackson, to your knowledge, has any other witness confirmed the existence of the monkey you claim to have seen?

Well, de dragon saw 'im.

Mr. Jackson has any other witness confirmed the existence of the fire-breathing dragon?

Hey, dats my girl you are slagging off. She ain't no dragon now, she's sweet as Cadbury's creamed eggs.

Er...Oh, I see...right...Mr. Jackson, can you point out the person that looked like the firebreathing dragon on the night in question in the courtroom today?

Yeh, just dere. T'is ok, she's all smiles and kisses today.

So to clarify Mr. Jackson, in your highly inebriated state your girlfriend looked like a fire-breathing dragon and so you and the monkey climbed the mast?

Yeh.

Does she actually ever breathe fire?

Only when she's pissed, den 007 hisself would be s*** scared of her.

Did your girlfriend leave the quay and board the boat?

Nah.

But you did in order to get away from her?

Yeh, and to saves de monkey likes I said.

...Mr. Jackson, I will remind you you are under oath. Can you point out the monkey in the courtroom today?

I dunna wanna snitch.

Yes, but you are under oath. You have to tell the truth.

Well then yeh my girl's bro Jim was de monkey. Sorry, Jim but ya know I ain't no fibber.