This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
Yesterday was my twin daughter's sixteenth birthday. Instead of being a time of celebration, for me, it has become a time of reflection, sadness and disappointment. I have a picture of their smiling faces on my wall. It was taken four years ago, and because I haven't seen either of them since around that time, in my mind, they are still only twelve. I do wonder if I were to see them today, would I recognise them? Over the years, it has become easier...to accept that they want little to do with me. One of my girls communicates with me on rare occasions, but I have learned not to push for contact. So, I feel I have no choice but to wait until they want me in their lives...if they ever do. Every birthday and Christmas, I put money into their bank accounts, and while I do get a thank you from one, I hear nothing from the other. This hurts me a lot because I think, what would it take to say, "Hi dad." Or just a simple thank you, would mean the world to me. Being sixteen is a difficult time for a girl, or so I have been told. But I cannot help but feel that I am teaching them how to treat me. I swing between anger, indignation and the hurt feelings this silence causes. I wonder why they don't care...why they couldn't be bothered to show much, if any, appreciation for the gifts. I don't believe bad manners should be rewarded, but if I stop trying...stop gifting this money, am I giving them an excuse to hate me? Will they hate me anyway? I attended my group meeting tonight, and it was a good one. We all chimed in offering honest opinions and support for one another. I feel strong and healthy, and other than a few cravings, which passed quickly, I am doing well. I will not allow sadness or disappointment to get in the way of my goal to find a better life...one way or another, I am as determined as ever to see this through and find the life I know I deserve. |