Meth: a Ticking Timebomb Gone Viral

Hurts So Good

To quote Dr Smith, from 'Lost in Space' (for those old enough to remember)..."Oh, the pain...the pain of it all."

Lactic acid also reminds me of John Cougar Mellencamp's song 'Hurt So Good' and is what I am feeling right now. Four months of not lifting or peddling and yesterday I thought I was Superman, today...not so much. But, I will continue, after all, it's the only way to get the cobwebs flushed out of my lean tissue and regain some of the strength I had before...well, before.

I still got out on the bike today (sore ass from the seat and all) and I feel my fitness hasn't suffered too much from the inactivity. The worst affected area is not on the outside in my physicality, but on my psyche, where I still feel the pangs of guilt and shame.

My Counsellor, Vicki, is not able to diagnose (at least, not legally) mental illness, but certainly recognises the traits. It will be interesting to see if I have PTSD, BPD, or some other mental illness associated with my addiction. God knows, there has been enough trauma in my life to trigger some form or another.

I've never been medicated (other than to try to avert the heebiejeebies from withdrawal...and tonight, I'm not taking any more Valium to ascertain if I am clear of these frightening symptoms or not). I don't feel as if I do have a mental illness, but, who ever does?

In any case, I feel good...the decision to go back to meth after three months is, at this stage, not something I am focusing on. Instead, I am taking one day at a time...and will make that choice in good time.

Dinner tonight for mom and I is baked salmon with garlic and spices with potato gratin...bon appetit.