Life With A Werewolf

Stone Dragons

          It was something I figured I could handle at first. Part of me was still convinced that Crash was doing it somehow, right underneath my nose. I mean, you can figure out why. Lawn Gnomes? Coming to life? Really? What's next, a ten foot tall purple dinosaur dancing through the living room and teaching us all how to spell? The entire idea was preposterous. So is the idea of werewolves I suppose. Yet I was living with a real one, whom I'd seen in multiple forms already up to this point.

          I at first tried ignoring them and their pranks. The Vaseline on the brake pedal. The toothpaste on the door handles to my car. The weird dreams that kept getting more and more surreal, with the great big gnome trying to talk to me as I was tied up. I didn't understand, didn't want to understand. Yet, with each dream, the words started to become clearer, and clearer. I still didn't understand the language, but I got the gist enough to know that he wanted inside the house, and couldn't come inside unless I invited him or brought him in. I didn't want to do the former, and was afraid to do the latter. But if I brought him in and say, locked him up the dreams would stop, wouldn't they?

          "What happens when a lawn gnome comes inside," I tried to ask Crash casually. My body language must have told him that it wasn't any casual request.

          "Well, depends," he replied as I stifled a yawn. Today was one of his office days, so he would be expected to come home at a reasonable time, which would be a nice change of pace. His shirt was tucked and fitted, his tie rested just above his belt buckle. It was a stylized brass wolf face howling at a full moon in the background. "They can wreak havoc. Tie you to the bed, grow lawn in the living room. In your case, Kheid out there would pull you apart, but not before he has you kill all of us first."

          "He says he wants to play nice," I mumble as I start brewing a cup of coffee.

         I felt a heavy hand land on my shoulder and spin me around. I stared up into Crash's eyes which had grown decidedly darker. "So you can understand them."

          Being military, part of my former job was to lie through omission. I'd tell my commander for example after one incident, "No sir, we were simply training on the humvee." I'd just conveniently leave out the part where we did the drivers course at double the speed they asked us to go complete with getting air on some of the dunes, turning them into ramps. "Sir, the get together was to boost morale in the squad," I'd tell my platoon leader after another incident. The fact that our little get together required two kegs to boost morale, well I'd just leave that out. Besides, we weren't encouraging people to drink. We just weren't discouraging it either. And free booze is free booze.

          So, I've had plenty of practice when I told him, "I still don't understand a word they're saying." Of course I left out the part of me beginning to understand every intention behind the now nightly interrogations.

          "So, you're thinking of bringing one inside," Crash replied. "Let me guess, Kheid?"

         "Well, we could lock him in a trunk or something," I offered. "Get the eyesore off the lawn."

          "If it's an eyesore you want to get rid of," Crash replied with a sly grin, "I can do it."

         "Well, I'd like to just, you know, grab it, and sell it to someone else later," I said, looking down.

          "Sure, that always works out well." Crash rolled his eyes. "Just say uncle, and I'll do it."

          I grabbed my cup of coffee and looked out at the lawn. Kheid glared at me through his sunglasses. Two different female gnomes where draped off of him, each grinning in their own way. A sinister way now. They were all looking at me. I felt the hatred coming up from that glare. "I...." I began.

          "I'll....think about it," I said, then turned back around.

          "Well," Crash replied. "I got to go to work. Text me when you're ready to give in."

          I nodded my acquiescence, then the door slammed shut to announce Crash's departure. I glanced one more time outside. The glare grew more sinister. I turned and locked the door after Crash left. It wouldn't help at all, I knew. But I felt a little safer.

         A couple hours went by before I finally gave in. I had went out to my car to head to the store and pick up lunch. When I pressed my foot on the brake pedal, it sank all the way to the floor. Scratching my head, I opened the hood of the car, only to find a small stone knife sticking out of the brake fluid reservoir. Two things occurred to me then. First, that was a damn strong knife cause those master cylinders aren't made all that weak. Second, this was a warning. Kheid wanted inside. Or else.

          A chill went down my spine as I looked over my shoulder. There he was. The lawn gnome. Glaring at me again. This time with two half naked female trolls and two half naked male trolls, all draped over him. All glaring at me.

          "UNCLE!" I texted to Crash, then sent him a photograph of my master cylinder.

          "GET INSIDE. LOCK THE DOOR." He texted back.

          I tried to be cool, just turn around, and walk slowly towards the door. As I looked over at Kheid, he was still glaring at me. I sighed, and picked up the pace a bit, never meaning to break into a run, but I guess by the time I got to the door, I had done so, slamming it shut hard enough to wake up Shawn who came down stairs in time to see me huffing and puffing in the kitchen. "You okay?" he asked, his curly hair flopping to the side as he tilted his head in confusion.

          I sighed and nodded, "Yeah, I'm fine." I replied, trying to play it cool.

          "I thought there was a huge ass snake outside." I lied.

          "Oh," he said with a shrug. "I thought it was your lawn gnomes again."

          "What?" I said, tilting my head.

          "Yeah, you go outside mumble about them at night. Move them around." He went to the sink and grabbed a glass of water.

          "You've seen me moving them around," It was more of an accusation than a question.

          "No, but you go outside, mumbling about them, come back in and they're moved in weird poses. Has to be you doing it, right?" He took a sip, then started walking back to his room.

          Sleep walking. I've never slept walked in my entire life, and these damn things have me sleep walking! I grabbed my phone and texted Crash, "Did you know I've been sleep walking?"

          Crash texted me back. "Yeah. We've all seen you. You go outside, and stare at Kheid for several hours as if you're in a deep debate. Then you come back inside and lay back down again."

          How did I miss that? I checked my bed and bed clothes. They were covered in dirt. I must have been so exhausted that I didn't notice it. Or was it something else? To this day, I'm still not entirely sure how I missed that. After all, they had me sleep walking. Could they have programmed me to miss that as well?

          When Crash came home a few hours later, I was in my room, pistol in hand. "Wow, paranoid much?" He said with a straight face.

          "I just found out I've been sleep walking and covering my room and night clothes in dirt," I growled.

          He nodded. "Yeah, I know. When I tried to ask you about it last, you growled at me something about King Kheid, and shuffled back into your room."

          "How long have I been doing this," I asked. Well, it was more of a cry. I was pretty freaked out by now. This was my first real paranormal experience, after all. Well, outside of treating Crash's shoulder or the night he brought me home that is.

          "Every night since you brought that thing home." He replied. "Don't worry, it's handled."

          "How are we going to do it," I gruffed, standing up and tucking my pistol in my pants.

          "Handled." Crash said again. "I've got it, don't worry."

          Then he brought me to the window. Outside, hidden in a bush near the roadside away from Kheid who was still glaring at me was a stone dragon. It resembled a cross between an Eastern dragon and a western one, with large muscular legs and a slender stylized body.

          "You get to clean up after it tomorrow," Crash said with a grin, patting me on the shoulder.

          "What?" I asked, walking after him. "How is more cheesy lawn art going to solve this!?" He would say nothing more about it, despite my frequent inquiries about it through dinner. It was Zack's night to cook, so that meant Hamburger Helper and more Hamburger Helper. With a side of, you guessed it, Hamburger Helper. He's a wiz at those things though, so at least the meal came out good. I'm not sure how he does it, really.

          That night I went to sleep as normal. This time getting my door barricaded from the outside by Crash, (I had to beg him into doing it), and sleeping on the floor next to the bed with my pistol near my hand. I wanted to make sure I slept light so if anything happened I could easily meet it with gunfire. If those stone monstrosities were going to get me, I was going to take a few of them out with me first. Make them pay for choosing me.

          In my dream, there was no interrogation or threats. I wasn't tied up at all. I was standing in the lawn as normal, a thick fog around the yard covering everything else. Only this time, I heard screaming and shouting. Cries of fear and pain. I literally saw stone gnomes fleeing the stone dragon who had one gnome under a foot, another in it's mouth, and a third in a head lock with it's tail. They writhed and struggled as the dragon began to gobble each one down. I felt more than saw something hard and heavy strike me in the chest, catching me off balance and knocking me down. Glaring down at me was Kheid, who reached up and took off his sunglasses to reveal beady red glowing eyes. "I'll be back," It said, in gnomish. I could strangely understand it this time. "I'll have my revenge. You'll all suffer." Then he was gone. Fleeing as the stone dragon chased after, with one gnome wrapped in his tail, and now two more in his stone belly.

          I awoke with a start. Standing up, I stretched. Then touched my chest. I had a bruise there. Covered in dirt and muck. How? I was still barricaded inside. The tall shelf and other things that Crash had piled in front of my door blocked my path. I sat down, on my bed, looked out into the sun drenched evening villa view that I had on my wall and sighed. A few moments later Crash began to clear the barricade so I could leave my room. "Maybe today is a good day." I said as Crash cleared the way for me to get out.

          They were gone. No gnomes remained. Shattered stone vegetables, hats, a few shattered faces that looked as if bites had been taken out of them where around, sure. But no gnomes. Only one very fat and happy stone dragon sitting curled up on the lawn, looking up at me through the window.

          "Don't forget." Crash said as he began to prepare for his day.

          "Yeah, yeah," I mumbled. "I got to clean up. Thank God they're gone though."

          "Yes, and thank Larry." Crash replied.

          I threw a thumb down at the stone dragon. "Him?"

          Crash nodded. "He's only visiting. But he likes the yard, and lawn gnomes are his favorite. Says you gave him quite the buffet last night. Think he likes you."

         It was all getting a bit too weird for me. But I swear that damn stone dragon winked at me when I passed back by the window.