The Whatever Files

Moby Dick

"Call me Ishmael."

"Okay. Is that like, your name? Only it would be a bit silly to call you Ishmael if your name was say 'Herman' wouldn't it?"

Ishmael eyed the questioner defensively. "I can choose to be addressed as Ishmael if I want to."

"Yes, but..."

"Look, I identify as Ishmael. Okay? End of."

"Alright, alright keep your hair on. No need to be a dick about it."

Ishmael glowered at the questioner, but noticing Queequeg looming behind the guy with his harpoon, gave the slightest of head shakes.

"Right. Now that's sorted thank you very much, I will begin my tale again."

"Be my guest."

Ishmael threw a brief glare at the questioner, and imagined chasing him down the street brandishing his own harpoon.

"Call me Ishmael."

"Yes right, got that, Ishmael, no problemo."

"Oh will you shut up and let me get on with the story."

"Oh. Oh. Sure."

"Sorry I spoke."

"Sure."

"Only, umm."

Ishmael swung around, his face red.

"WHAT?" He shouted, clearly near the end of his tether.

"When do we get to the bit about dragons?"

"Dragons?" Ishmael looked stunned.

"Yes dragons. Well I assume that as your story is about Wales, there must be dragons in it somewhere. Do they have a hoard?"

Through his teeth Ishmael managed to spit out, "It isn't about Wales. It's about Whales, W-H-A-L-E-S, got it, whales and whaling."

"So they're like Sad Whales?"

Ishmael's mouth moved, but he was unable to frame an utterance.

Seeing his bemusement, the questioner tried to explain.

"Well, you said they were wailing, right? So I assumed they must be wailing because they are unhappy about something. Is it because there are no dragons in the story? You should totally add some. It would cheer the Whales up, and they'd stop wailing, and it would probably be a better story altogether with dragons in."

Afterwards it was generally agreed that what saved the questioner was the arrival of a timely Merit Badge in Ishmael's email, sent as part of The Whatever Contest. Not only that, but he'd got a review of the first chapter of his book 'Moby Dick'.

"Hi. I'm a big fan of Moby's music, and I was really confused as to why you thought he was a dick..."

Why not avoid any confusion, send someone a nice merit badge and a heartfelt message. You can get 15K Gift Points for 10K spent, and a timely merit badge or two of your very own, just for entering.