My Conversion Story Journal

August 8, 2023

You know in those scary movies where they enter someone's house and there are crosses and Jesus photos everywhere and they find a body under the floorboards? I think they filmed those scenes here at my dad's. It is amazing how many crosses he has all over his house. They are on walls, shelves, even hanging from fixtures in which you have to grab it to turn on a light or a fan. It's creepy.

I'm at my dad's house for a week for his birthday and doctor's appointments. Last time I was here we argued. This time is different. He is asking questions about what I can eat and why. He was getting frustrated a little bit, but I told him that the rules were for me because I'm becoming a Jew, and it was fine for him to eat whatever he wanted to eat. He was fine after that, and he seemed curious on what I can eat and what I choose to eat.

My aunt and cousins were over and asked me about going to church. I just told them no I don't go to church and changed the subject. I didn't want to get "witnessed to." If you have a strong religious family, you know exactly what I am talking about.

Being away from home, I am finding my prayer routine messed up. I am trying to pray while cooking here, where at home I will have already been on my elliptical, showered, dressed, and prayed before having to wake my daughter. I miss my routine.

I love my dad, and it has been nice to get to know him as a someone trying to be a good man instead of the abusive alcoholic and drug adict that I grew up knowing. I'm tired of crosses and pictures of Jesus. I'm tired of hearing that Jesus loves me and hearing people pray in Jesus' name instead of praying to the God that created them. I'm tired of seeing christian movies of peple acting horrible and doing horrible things until the end of the movie where they hear that Jesus loves them and then they are changed for the next 30 second scene.

There is such a culture difference between christians and Jews. I don't belong here. Christianity is not my home, and I'm having difficulty breathing when Jesus is shoved in my face at every turn. I want my access to Jewish wisdom. I want access to both of my prayer books (I only brought one). I want to see my sabbath candles. Even unlit, I can feel their magic to my core. I miss being surrounded by Jewish books, journals (I have 4 different ones for different purposes), Hebrew writing, and music.

Thank you Hashem for showing me that I'm not who I once was. I love you with all my heart, all my soul, and all I am.