Can We Talk 2

A Very Bad Season

I am going through a real low period of my life. It may not be the worst season I've endured, but it's bad enough for now.

I am elderly and in bad health. My heart is failing me again. It's caused multiple other problems, including scarring on my liver, which results in low blood protein. The most common side symptom for people with this faulty calve is edema. My feet and legs and abdomen do not want to relinquish the spent fluid, so gravity holds it in place, causing unbelievable swelling. The swelling causes my knees and ankles to be unyielding, so stair climbing is out or embarrassing to be seen trying in public. The heart itself causes me to be short of breath at times.

A few years ago, I would have no choice but to sit and wait for death. Now there is a newly approved process to clamp the valve, so that it works better, but never like new. It was a clinical study until a month ago. I am fortunate enough to live in a university hospital town which had permission to do this. Now they're working out the protocol since it's FDA approved and not a study, so I still don't have a date.

Meanwhile, the plumbing in my house is not draining. Underneath the house is Orangeburg pipe, which only lasts the life of my house. Now it's broken or crushed, so there's no draining. Everything is backed up. I can't run the water, flush the toilet, do laundry etc. I went to the laundromat yesterday, first time in years. I was shocked at how expensive one load is and how terrible a shape the machines were in. I wash my compression socks by hand on the back porch and hang in the sun. I brush my teeth and spit in the trash can. I keep a bucket in the sink so that I can wash my hands and then throw the rinse water into the grass off the porch. I use paper plates, etc. I have a camp toilet in an unoccupied bedroom; I'm on massive does of fluid pills, so I go a lot.

One of the penalties of getting old, is that your family and relatives die off. I have no children or grandchildren, so I have no one to go stay with. To remedy this will cost a minimum of $15 thousand. I don't have enough income to finance this. My IRA is my nursing home money, so I don't want to blow that in one move The house was my dad's which he left to all his children, who are as strapped as I am. Because I can't find affordable housing, I can't sell the house. Until I sell the house, I have to pay probate tax every year. As if real estate tax wasn't enough.

I have a lawyer, but getting an appointment with him is as difficult as getting the doctor to commit to a procedure day. So I am grumpy and talk about myself all the time. I'm sure my friends are growing weary of hearing my latest problems. I feel guilty taking their time to update them when they ask.

My brain is still working. I don't want to give up yet. I still have things I want to do, places to go, if I'm ever able to go again. I'm telling myself this all is temporary. I will move like a normal old person one of these days.