Meth: a Ticking Timebomb Gone Viral

The Freak Show

What a relief to finally be off Quetiapine and Trihexyphenidyl. I thought because I had only been taking low doses over three to four weeks, that there wouldn't be much of an issue stopping cold turkey...how wrong was I?

On the first night, after discontinuing the meds, the hallucinations were worse than I have experienced since the last time I used meth. I didn't sleep at all, and I put this down to my brain becoming reliant on the sedative/tranquiliser effects of the meds no longer circulating in my system. The second night, I assumed that things would be better, but they were just as bad, if not worse than the first night (probably in part, due to sleep deprivation).

Luckily, I am so used to the visions and the fact that they always involve Angel and a bunch of her friends (who appear like a crew from a circus freak show), that the experience wasn't scary. On the contrary, I found the whole thing entertaining and saw things I will likely never see again. But by last night, I was dead tired and the idea of another night like the previous two wasn't something I was looking forward to.

I managed to broker a deal with Her Majesty (Angel), and although I can never rely on her word, this time she kept her promise to let me sleep...even though I was still sleep-disturbed and woke up every hour or so throughout the night. She even used her little hand (it's as small as a child's, which I have only seen on a few rare occasions in the past) to rub my back. This was a moment of absolute disbelief as I lay on my side, only to feel a slight pressure through the doona, rubbing over a small area of my back. I know I was sleep-deprived and coming off meds, but it had me questioning the reality of my situation...as I have been doing throughout the last year since Angel first appeared to me as a beautiful young girl, who I instantly fell in love with, but who hated me then as much as she does today.

I have to visit the Thai Immigration Office to report my address every ninety days. I had to put it off until this morning because I was so sleep-deprived. Upon arrival, it only took around twenty minutes to complete. Later in the afternoon, I had a short nap and walked to the fresh food market to get a few things.

I notice that the hallucinations are nowhere near as bad when I get plenty of sleep, and I am hoping that tonight I won't have a problem when I go to bed. If so, I will leave a light on which makes them far less noticeable when I close my eyes. At one point on the second night, I placed a pillow over my face to block out any light, which makes the hallucinations far less vivid. This is proof that what I am seeing as I hallucinate is in my mind and not outside of it. However, I saw my hands as I held them out in front of me. I knew this was impossible...but as I moved my fingers and rolled my hands in different directions, I could 'see' my hands moving in the exact same way. I am still not sure how this happened. I even got a dark t-shirt, folded it and placed it over my eyes as a blindfold. Again, I placed the pillow over my face and could still see my hands as I waved them about in front of me ...a very strange hallucination indeed.

I cannot imagine how hard it would be to come off antipsychotic drugs if they are used long-term. It has certainly given me insight into the challenges people who have schizophrenia and other psychotic illnesses must face when dealing with the side effects and trying to get off their medications. I'm glad I have decided to stop taking the meds now, rather than later down the track. The hallucinations are far less intrusive in my life than the drugs that were prescribed to help with the symptoms of psychosis...drugs that don't provide a cure for the condition anyway.