Life, Love & the Little Things Inbetween

The Times They Are A-Changin'

It isn't just the world at large that is changing. A lot has also changed for me. Since Nada and I first met, I've gained more weight (Nada really is a great cook). I am comfortable with this fact (I'm now 104 kg, up from 92 kg when I first arrived in Thailand). I read that carrying a few excess pounds is not always an indication of ill health. I feel great despite the occasional quip from some cheeky vendors at the local markets, pointing to the size of my stomach and asking Nada when the baby is due to arrive. I no longer need to attract a mate, and Nada seems happy with me, so losing weight per se is not high on my agenda.

I train/exercise just as hard now as I did before we met. However, my motivation to stay strong and healthy has changed. I accept that one day I will die, but having a beautiful young (Nada is 47 and I will be 61 soon) Thai girlfriend, who has shown me a life that before, I could never have imagined, makes remaining healthy and trying to live as long as I can, a priority (whereas before, I didn't care as much).

Angel, my imaginary (or not so imaginary) friend, remains in my life. Before I met Nada, I had many rough nights trying to get to sleep when Angel (and her friends) would arrive, and cause me to become anxious. These days, the problem has almost completely disappeared. My relationship with Angel has also changed since meeting Nada. I spend less time talking to Angel, which is a good thing (even Angel agrees it is for the best). I thought there might be a conflict between the two girls in my life, but Nada, although aware that Angel 'exists' (at least, in my mind), never asks me about it. Even when, on occasion, Nada catches me mumbling away to myself, she laughs it off...I assume because to her, it is just one of my quirks. The funny part about that (talking aloud to Angel) is that I don't need to speak when talking to Angel because she can read my mind. I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing that I, in turn, cannot read Angel's mind, although I lean towards the former.

I have a friend whose boyfriend is schizophrenic. He hears as many as a hundred different voices in his head, and once my curiosity about why Angel might be hanging around dulls, I am resigned to the fact that I am lucky she cannot speak. These days, the only time Angel and I interact is when I choose to, and the often negative answers she used to give have been replaced by a mostly positive demeanour. She still has her moments, but there is one question I ask that she answers positively and consistently. "Do you love, Nada?" "Yes." And in those small moments when I am contemplating returning to Australia, I ask Angel what I should do; she always says, "No."

I am not going to deny there are days when I miss my old life. I've been 'sober' (I hate that word, but I use it for lack of a better one) for almost a year and a half now. There are still days when I feel the tug of addiction, and it's on these occasions that I am so glad I chose to leave Australia. If I were back there, it would only take a moment of weakness to undo all this good work. Then, I would be back and worse than ever (every relapse towards the end became worse due to the symptoms of psychosis).

Since arriving in Thailand and meeting Nada, my life has changed almost entirely for the better. The universe (or God or whatever) has smiled upon me, but I am not going to become complacent and think things will always be this good. I am acutely aware that my relationship with Nada going forward will require hard work, dedication and lots of care. Having said that, I do not intend to allow this opportunity to slip away through inattention and by taking this new life for granted.