From June 21 Onward

Letting Go

November 12, 2002

         Yes, I'm letting go.
         You see, I had a revelation last night. I hadn't
let go. I realized this for the first time.
         I noticed how often I still think about how
everything fell apart with the Corvette. Even after about
half a year, even though I don't still feel that "walking on
air" feeling about her, I still think about how awful it was
when it came down, and how great it could have been
had it not.
         Why on earth, after all this time, would I still be
thinking about these things? I had it all figured out,
right? I knew what happened and why. And it no
longer brought me into a state of perpetual bummer.
But the fact that I still thought about it so much showed
that I obviously had not yet let go.
         So last night, I did it. I gave it up, I pushed it out
of my thoughts. After all, am I still going to want to be
thinking about it when I graduate? When I start my
career? When I'm married? When I'm raising a family?
Of course not! I have to put these things behind me
where they belong, accept them as lessons learned
and battle scars.
         These were my bold, wise thoughts until now. I
decided that if I was really going to do this, I'd better get
rid of some things that would remind me. I'm staring at
my email archives, in a special folder labelled "The
Elder Days". Every single message from her, from a
certain point on, is saved there. I'm going to delete it.
Then I remember one of those messages. One that
came right before all the fights, arguments, and hurt that
came afterwards. This is going to be harder than I
thought. The message says:

chris i just want to tell u how important you are to me.
if u weren't my friend i would be missing out on so
much. you don't understand how important you are to
me. no matter what anybody says you are my best
friend and you are an awesome person. everything i
told you last night is 100% true. don't doubt that for a
second. i just wanted you to know how much of a
difference you've made in my life and i seriously don't
think you understand how much i care about you.
thanks for everything chris.

         That's the one physical memory I still have of
the good part of our time. Nonetheless, it must go with
the bad. The rest of those words, all those especially
for me, will be gone. I said I'm going to let go.
         It's hard.
         So was that night that I typed in all my guts, my
finger crouched hesitantly over the Enter key.
         Deja vu. *Click* Gone. That's letting go.
         Now then, I'm expecting some sort of big turning
point in my life that's going to take me down a path of
wisdom and growth.
         Or maybe I'll just free my mind up a bit for other
things.
         Of course, it's not like I don't want her friendship.
I've just decided that I should finally give up all that
which I've been saving since our old friendship.
         So here I am, freed. And while I'm in the spirit of
moving on, I think I'll talk about something completely
different.
         The gifted facilitator at our school is moving to
Texas. She's been really cool and everything, and I just
hope that whoever comes in her place will be able to
do it.
         But very strange, when I got home from praise
band practice, the kitchen had food around every
corner, and we had the biggest thing of toilet paper I'd
ever seen. Apparently, she'd dropped by and just given
us all this stuff! Wow, that's a blessing if I've ever seen
one!
         One more memory: I got runner up in
catrie's Make Me Cry contest for my poem,
"My Days With You" ! First contest I've won anything on here.
         Ya know, I feel better already! Tomorrow's
gonna be a new day, moreso than ever before.
         Recommended listening: Waffle by
Sevendust. I'm in a headbanging mood.

~ Dris ~