When I Die

The Day I Stopped Believing In God

This is an old entry, made in my trusty old paper journal, on the day I lost my faith.



23/1/2002

" Today, is the day I stop believing in God.
Someone stole all the money from daddy's vault.

So now, I won't get my birthday present, the one thing I'd been looking forward to for one long year, I won't get my access-virus synthesizer.

But This entry is not about that. What this entry is about, is the big, fat, lousy CEO of heaven.com [that's God, for all you believers]

18 long idiotic years, I've kept one believing in him, kept on asking him. He never gave me anything, But that's not why I don't believe in him.

It's because of the agony I see in this world. I see people suffering. Everywhere.
And the reason I don't believe in him, is because he can help us all, but he doesn't.


It's like he forgot us althogether.

Money, is the new God, for people. I mean, people are crazy about it. It's like the rich have a right to comfort and a right to live, while people like us don't.

I know that I should be thankful to God and all that because he kept me free from disease and various other troubles that many people face and blah blah blah and yada yada yada, But then, he hasn't helped Humanity in any way. Did he help us get rid of the disease called Money?


I never really understood the meaning of love, but there is one girl, that I loved, still love, or at least think that I love, but God or Fate [two side's of the same damned coin] seperated us. Most of you already know what happened, And I still don't know if she's even alive out there, But I'll still keep loving her... You hear me, I'm still loving you.

I wanted to be rich, I wanted to be famous. Just what is it that some blood rich actor has done that I haven't ? And just what is it that the son of the earl of scotland has done to be born in that fat slobby rich family?

Every single night, I've begged him to show me the light, I tried so hard, desperately looking for a reason to believe in him, but he didn't give me one bloody reason.

I'm confused beyond belief here... one side tells me that what i'm hating, isn't God, It's money... Maybe it's true, My hate isn't against God, It's against money.

But then, God never did anything to change our minds, shatter our endless run to earn!
I see people killing in the name of money! Is this what we were supposed to be?
Is this what humanity's goal was?
I guess we'd all just die then.
No! Wait, I wish That I die now. NOW. I wish I was dead.
God, can you at least give me that much now? My one single last wish? Please let me die.

I believe in the devil. At least, he doesn't hide his face.
He's evil, and that's exactly what he does, instead of good ol' God here, who, on the face, is the ultimate mascot of goodness, and holyness, but inside, he's so deviously evil, that the devil seems like the most pious of creatures in front of him.

Dear Devil, please, come now, and kill me, so that I may serve you in your kingdom of evil. Let's show that two faced idiot of a God, that who's a sissy, and who's the bloody tiger.

I'm selfish, I know that, And I know that the reasons why I refuse to believe in him are selfish too, but then, He never ever tried to change my beliefs, give me one single reason... one single answer to believe in him, hence, from this day, God, is only a puppet that I see in our prayer room, in front of whom, for the sake of my parents, I shall wear a mask of devotion, and act like I'm praying. "



This was the entry, and even now, My belief is unshaken. God's still the same old puppet, albeit, a nastier, blacker, and more evil one.

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