Sarah's Life

Disconnected

I walked down to keating just now, thinking to get something to eat. I looked around, and nothing, absolutly nothing, looked edible. It wasn't that it didn't look good, or that it looked horrid or anything, I just didn't want to eat. Anything. So I got myself a plate of fries, ate one, nearly threw up, and put my tray away.

I'm hungry, but nothing tastes right, or good... and it's not just that keating's food sucks. I've bought food and thrown it away because it just... it doesn't stay down.

I've had a headache for three days now, and it's still not going away. I wake up with it, I fall asleep with it, I suffer along with it... It's still here.

I'm getting bloody noses again. Stupid dry weather.

The edges of my mind seem hazy, dim. I can almost feel myself melting into my surroundings, falling away from reality.

I've been listening to my CD player again as I walk from place to place. It's an all too easy way to isolate myself from the world, and provide a soundtrack for everything going on around me that I'm watching. I watch from the outside again, I'm not part of the scene anymore.

Kara walked in the room around lunch time today, didn't even say hi, dropped her stuff off and went to lunch. I'm starting to wonder if she even saw me.

I've never felt disconnected like this. I know people are there, I can feel them... my empathy works for that. But I don't feel like a part of the picture. I don't feel like I've meshed in right. I'm not here. A good part of that is probably because my heart is somewhere else. It's a three hour drive to the west and an hour long phone call every night at nine. My connection to the real world isn't by my side anymore and in missing him I'm missing what it feels like to be really alive... really feeling... I never knew that before and I never missed it before.