Personal Journal

Disquieted

I'm unhappy tonight.
I think about smoking a little pot, but I'm not sure that would to anything positive - it might weaken me enough that I crack. I know I'll crack eventually, but I don't want to have it happen while under the influence, because I think that the amplification of emotion while inebriated would be major, and more difficult than I'm willing to bear at this time.

I can't get distracted, which these past couple of days I have been. Re-arranging the house, cleaning, talking to relatives, planning what's next. I've been here too long, feeling couped up, feeling like the emotions that I know are witheld by something right now - feeling like they are hunting me. I'm not scared of the emotions - if they were to flow naturally through me right now, I would welcome them.

It's that there is no natural flow of emotion right now. And the interruption of that current is starting to disrupt me... my ability to do things. It's coming, I'm starting to feel it.

Earlier, I was angry at Tom - still am, but I can sense that I am in danger of displacing the hurt from losing Jean into anger at Tom's obstructionism. I've got that worked right now. As I said to Jean's friend Pepper - I'm 2 steps ahead of him, and I'm smarter and more motivated, so he won't catch me, if he tries to screw with my family. I'll fight back ferociously.

But no, this isn't about Tom, as much as I'd like to do the stereotypical "man" thing and break stuff and swear a lot. I'm not a man who has difficulty expressing or contacting his emotions. I'm not. And so I know that what's going on right now is some defensive mechanism that I don't control.

When is it going to happen? While I'm driving back east this weekend? When I meet with the horde of Jean's friends in NJ who love her, and hear the years worth of stories that they have to tell which I've no concept of yet? (I think that scenario very likely).

Sometimes ...
I'm worried. Is this like a rising floodwater, that without some trickle will break the dam?
I don't know what I feel. Dizzy. Flashes of numbness and sleepiness. Moments of dispassionate clarity. Yearning. Restless. My soul is disquieted.

It wanders, and I am external from it, a witness. It's something I've never experienced this way before.