Personal Journal

This really hurt

Packing up Jean's clothes. I could only muster a half hour for it. It hurts just too badly, which surprised me. I had been telling myself that it's no different than moving back into the bedroom after she died. There's no point in not moving forward this way - it's worse to deny the reality that she doesn't need clothes ever again than it is to dismantle the closet.

Some shrines... you don't recognize them till you see a crack in the wall. And I feel like now I need to stop and pray - very very hard. For what, I'm not sure. For me, to be sure. STrength? Healing?

God, please take this weight off my chest and warm the blood gone cold in my body. Squeeze my heart so it beats again, because I feel like I am dying today.

And I didn't expect that. Nor did I want it.

I kept seeing the lyrics to "Say Hello To Heaven" in my head, especially the lines from the last stanza "pages of phrases of things we'll never do."

I remember her in those clothes. And as I was learning a few days ago - my memories don't really bring me comfort.

So here are the complete lyrics:
****************************************
Please, mother mercy
Take me from this place
And the long winded curses
I keep hearing in my head
Words never listen
And teachers never learn
Now I’m warm from the candle
But I feel too cold to burn
He came from an island
And he died from the street
He hurt so bad like a soul breaking
But he never said nothing to me
So say hello to heaven

New like a baby
Lost like a prayer
The sky was your playground
But the cold ground was your bed
Poor stargazer
She’s got no tears in her eyes
Smooth like whisper
She knows that love heals all wounds with time
Now it seems like too much love
Is never enough, you better seek out
Another road ’cause this one has
Ended abrupt, say hello to heaven

I never wanted
To write these words down for you
With the pages of phrases
Of things we’ll never do
So I blow out the candle, and
I put you to bed
Since you can’t say to me
Now how the dogs broke your bone
There’s just one thing left to be said
Say hello to heaven