Personal Journal

Valentine's Day on Sunday

Tonight I watched my first recording on the Tivo - Monday's One Life to Live. I hadn't realized it when I taped it, that was Valentine's Day. So they had their big V-day episode with singing and lovers loving, and haters turning to lovers and so on.

There were parts of it that were "deep breath" moments for me. Because last year on Valentine's Day, well, I don't know what was going on, but I remember Valentine's Day from last year. I don't recall now if I knew that was going to be the last one. I don't suppose I did.

But overall, it was a pretty good thing for me to see. I remember loving Jean. I remembered many comforting things, and a few discomforting things, and through it all I wished she was here. But it didn't destroy me. In fact, it lifted me.

I know I had debates with myself throughout her illness when I was mad at her - when she would hurt me or anger me so bad that I felt she truly didn't care enough about me. And I would ask myself if I were staying because she was dying, or because I loved her.

I can say very proudly, every single time I asked myself that question, it was because I loved her, and I knew she loved me.

And it was odd/interesting, whatever... we were just getting into that soap opera together - that's when I really fell for it, and it was "our thing" we did together all those months through radiation and the early summer.

It brings me comfort, now, to watch One Life to Live, and remember my Jean. And I hope that's something I can build on.