Personal Journal

Fear revisited

It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot
Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success. -- Alonzo Newton Benn

I didn't try.
And that's why I'm angry at myself.
I took a quick trip into West Denver today because the whitewater group was having a roll/paddle practice session, and I wanted to get my roll practice in.

I didn't try a single roll.
Fear gripped me and I just didn't even try.

In every way, what confidence I had from my weekend lessons was gone. I probably paddled more technically proficient. I practiced assisted T-rescues. But not one roll, and that's what I WENT THERE FOR.

Yeah, there's fear of embarassment.
And there's more to that than I'm ready to acknowledge.
But the fear that I was gripped by was fear of being upside down in the water.

I'm not calm in that position, and I KNEW that I had to get confident in that position if I was going to get ANYwhere.

I watched a woman stay under for about 45 seconds, trying to set herself up for a hand roll 3 times before finally calling for a T-rescue, and getting it. She surfaced, she smiled, she was calm.

I want to be calm.

Maya said to me that if you don't think you can make it, you can't make it. I know that about life.

I'm not really so angry as I am disappointed. I'm just disappointed in myself. I let an opportunity get away.

Fair enough.

There will be others.