Personal Journal

KEEP EVERLASTING AT IT

It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot
Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success. -- Alonzo Newton Benn

I’m getting it.

Like water dripping through a cloth, slowly but certainly, my brain is starting to develop instincts about kayaking. About being an air-breather under the water. I’m finding myself able to summon calm to me. I’m finding myself able to put into my brain a thought beyond “surface for air NOW” and to think of the motions of the roll.

Set up. Bring your paddle to the surface. Pull your left knee down to raise your arms. Move to position two, bring your paddle out along the water to the side of you. Get your body to the rear of the boat. Hipsnap. Breathe when you surface.

My roll is almost there. I can get myself over and get my body out. I’m just not remembering to convert the roll into the brace to hold myself up, and I’m forgetting to keep my head down. Head comes up LAST. Always. It’s the most important thing.

But I can feel myself yesterday, taking my time upside down. Thinking about the positions I need to be in, for the first time. Not thinking about “How much longer can I hold my breath?” I can feel the water moving around me as I move my body into the second position, and it feels right. I feel exhilarated knowing that I’m starting to get it. The instinctive fear is being shut away, because it’s counter-productive.

You cannot learn to roll in any other position than being upside down in the water. The way your boat and water displace weight can only be felt while you’re upside down. So that fear that kept telling me “surface and breathe, fool!” was the first thing and the most important thing I’ve had to deal with.

And I’m starting to get it.

When I get a roll, I will be so outrageously delighted.

I don't normally think of myself as courageous in any manner whatsoever. But I have been courageous in the face of my fear, and I am beating it.