There must be a light under the bushel!

All combative and bitchy

Hanging out with friends this weekend made me notice clearly just how short my fuse is these days. It's amazing how having a ill person in the family strains a lot of relationships. I've noticed that I'm pretty selfish and greedy (more so than usual) in most of my relationships right now, except with my parents. However, they haven't even been exempt from my fire the last week or two. Most of my hostility has been directed at my brother though.

My mom, my brother, and I take turns with dad's long chemo days. I take him to the rest of his appointments for the most part. But, each time it's Jon's turn, he always has qualifiers. 'As soon as he finishes something,' or 'But he has to leave at x time.' Mom soothes him by telling him we'll (meaning me... because I won't let her do it, not because she won't offer) pick up the slack, not to worry his pretty little head about it. Well, tonight, I'd had it. This has always been the pattern in our family, but I'm getting a little strung out right now. No, I don't want to make two trips (two and a half hours round trip) to M.D. Anderson in one day so that Jon can have dinner with his girlfriend. And, if he has a problem with the time, would he like to take the night shift that I'm taking? This ended up being my first argument I've had with my mother since Dad was diagnosed with cancer. According to her, Jon's being perfectly reasonable and willing to cooperate (even though we've had to rearrange our plans around his the last three times). Whatever. I guarantee I'll suck it up and smooth it over with my mom as soon as I get to the hospital; even if I'm still bitter, I know this is no time to be at odds with Mom.

So, on vacation with my friends, I noticed that I had no tolerance for taking any crap from anyone. I'm not typically a mousy little thing about stuff like that, but I usually have better social skills. Right now, I JUST DON'T CARE. It's such a strange thing to be stripped down to a basic level of emotion. It's got to be some kind of genetic survival instinct. It's like I have to channel all my strength in listening to the frightening news from the doctors and watching my father in the weakest state I've ever seen and praying that he survives, so if you push my buttons right now, likely the last thing you'll see is my claw slicing toward your face. Am I sorry about that? I don't really know. I actually feel some guilt that I'm not very sorry. Sounds convoluted, but there it is.

I was hoping to come back from vacation rested and relaxed, but I find that I'm still searching for a whole to crawl into, just for a while and all by myself. However, it hasn't rained a drop in weeks, so the ground's too hard to dig into!

Off onto another branch related to this topic...My friend says to me on the phone tonight that I made the choice to live here so I should suck it up that my time is consumed with taking care of my parents. I can't decide if she's justified in pointing out that I'm being a whining tittie baby having a pity party. Oh, I know that I've been whiny and bitchy; there's no doubt about that as any of my family or friends will attest to, and I know exactly where it's coming from...mostly from moping because I have no time to myself and that all my time is centered around worrying about health-related issues. My brother does not live here, and he's perfectly able to put all this in a box; he's not overwhelmed. But, whether I live at home or not, I don't see that I would be able to compartmentalize this as he does. Who knows?

And yes, I realize people who have kids do not have time to themselves either (an argument she pointed out), but when mortality is at stake, I think there's a different set of rules. Plus, there are some happy rewards and prideful accomplishments to dedicating your time to children. It's not quite the same scenario with a cancer patient; I'm not aggravated because I have to help my dad with his homework-- I have to worry about getting him to the emergency room to keep him from falling into a diabetic coma; my happiness means he lives. Maybe I am overreacting and being more dramatic than is warranted. Lots of people live with family members who have cancer, and the world goes on. I don't know if other people get as bitchy as I have been lately (this just started a couple of weeks ago), but I just can't get that conversation with my friend out of my head. I simply don't know whether to be shamed or pissed, but I feel that I definitely should be one or the other. Then again, maybe I should be neither, and the world will go on. This edgy bit of me is distorting some of my rationality, but my gut tells me that as annoying as I might be right now, I'm still holding up pretty well. Writing should help take the edge off, especially if I can move into entries more lighthearted than this! Once I look this back over, especially in a day, or a week, or a month, I might cringe at how I sound; we'll see. But for now what I do know is be ready to duck if you see the claws come unsheathed because I still feel a bit untamed and wild and lacking the knowledge of how to curb that side of me!