MY HEART ON PAPER !

DEC. 12, 2005

Today isn't actually the first day of this journal. I have been writing one since after your birth, my only child, my son.

"My Pride, My Joy! My Life, My Boy!"

No one knows about the journal I started keeping after you were born. Not even you. But that journal began when you were my little boy. As you grew up, your life took off and I found myself writing in it less and less. Though remembering the important events in your life that I wanted to write to you in that journal, it seemed there was always less and less time, so I would put it off 'til tomorrow, and it never got written down. I so regret that failure.

I'm starting this today, because when you left for Iraq the second, and hopefully, the last time, you asked me to keep a journal while you were gone and that you'd be keeping one, too.

Well, I sort of have and sort of haven't. I've written some things down here and there. Some things I haven't written down, but shamefully hope I can remember them as I write this. I guess now is better than never.

I have written you letters and e-mails while you were away. Some, letting you know how I really felt, and others holding back, so you would think of me as the strong woman you've always thought me to be, and so you wouldn't see my weakness.

However, in this, I will tell you everything. You will see in me, all of whom I truly am. Whether it's good, bad, happy, sad, hurt, anger, proud, fearless, scared, terrified, a mother and a stranger. I will tell my tears of joy and pain, my highest high, deepest guilt, and my most terrible shame. I will tell you things I probably shouldn't, and things that I will probably wish I hadn't.

None of this is meant for you to know now. Not today, or tomorrow, or anytime in the near future. But one day. When that day comes, I hope you will draw strength from all of this. No matter what, the good, the bad, the happy, and the sad of it all.

I know this journal will really go back and forth as I write. But then, I guess that's what a journal is for. To write about how I feel today, dreams for the future, and memories of yesterday.

Remember what I told you when you were so far away?
"Every night look up at the stars, and know that I will be looking back at you."
And whenever you got the chance to call, or we would write each other, I told you I could never say "Goodbye"? That when we ended our conversation or a letter, I would always just say, "Later."

I LOVE YOU!!!

Later...