blog, Blog, BLOG!!!!!!

The Restroom: An Instruction Manual for Men

NOTE after receiving a few comments from men that this entry is "strange," I thought I'd comment a bit on the wreckage that follows.

It's pretty simple. I got tired of falling into the toilet. Hopefully, this manual will eliminate that problem (and others) from occuring.

How to piss in a woman's bathroom.
A step-by-step guide for men.

1. Turn to girlfriend/wife/lover/total stranger and
ask (politely!) to be excused for a moment.
FYI There is no need to announce your
intended destination. We can figure this
out on our own.

2. If you aren't already standing, do so now.

3. Walk to restroom.

4. Enter bathroom through doorway, being sure to close
door behind you.

5. Locate sanitary waste collecting apparatus. Take
note of its overall appearance at this time.

7. Flip on fan (optional, but strongly encouraged),
and proceed about your business.

8. Flush. Repeat, if necessary.

9. Check toilet paper roll. Is it empty? If so, remove
empty tube, and replace with a fresh roll.

10. Wash hands. THIS MEANS YOU

11. Return to waste collection apparatus. Inspect
visually. Wipe any stray drops from seat area.

12. Is seat still in upright position? If so, adjust
at this time.

13. Turn off fan (if applicable)

14. Exit restroom area in an orderly fashion.

TROUBLESHOOTING
Problem: I can't find the toilet
Solution: Make sure bathroom light is on. If it is,
and the toilet is still not visible, you're
probably not in the right room.

P: What is this toilet paper of which you speak?
S: Toilet paper, formally known as "bath tissue," is a
tool to aid you in your quest to achieve personal
cleanliness. The product comes in roll form, and
can usually be found within arm's length of the
waste collection apparatus. If this is not the
case, you may have to execute an emergency
procedure known as "changing the roll." For a
detailed description of this complicated manuever,
please refer to "Replenishing Bath Tissue for
Total Idiots." (available wherever books are sold)

P: Where the fuck's the Sport's Illustrated?
S: This is a woman's restroom. You'll have to do
without.
In fact, if you DO find back issues of Sport's
Illustrated, Field and Stream, or
How To Turn A Broken Weedeater Into A Bitchin' Hot
Rod in 30 Days or Less stacked next to the
john, you should be concerned. Very concerned.

P:Upon receiving these instructions, I promptly
wadded them up and tossed them in the trash.
I am hopelessly confused, but I firmly refuse to
either a)ask for help or b)fish the directions
out of the waste basket and read them, because
doing either of these things will cause
irreversible harm to my manly ego. I don't need
your advice. However, if I just "happened" to
overhear it, I might be able to spare a few
appreciative grunts, and then we could both go
our separate ways and pretend this never
happened.

S: My advice? Give up dating. I hear the Catholic Church is experiencing a shortage of priests lately...