Gagonka

El Presidente

Jonab is driving down teh(purposely spelled teh) highway in his immaculate car of greatness; a deathtrap with 3 wheels. The snazzy neon green paint almost glows on the ground beneath him as he speeds along his way. In teh passenger seat lives his one and only constant friend higu0. To be truthful Jonab is such a pathetic loser that this friend, upon closer scrutiny, is nothing more than a dummy he found on teh side of teh road. On his way to the (teh's are annoying) shitpen he calls home Jonab makes a quick stop to, as he tells higu0, check on some scenery.

Jonab gets out of his POS-mobile and heads into a creepy brokendown 1 story home looming before him. The bushes are withered up and covered in bug nests. The one door is off of its hinges and crumbling to the cracked walkway Jonab approaches on.

"Is there a useless piece of shit in here?" Jonab calls.

"Slagyk!"

"Ok, just making sure you're still alive. You owe me fifty bucks if your plan doesn't work." Jonab chuckles to himself and gets back in his car. "Ah, the idiots I know and use."

higu0 stares at him accusingly.

"What?" Jonab drives off. "Oh, you do huh?"

higu0 keeps starring.

"WElL I Don'T CaRe!" Jonab backhands higu0. "I tell you the plan is a perfect one doomed for his demise and ripe for all to live more pathetic lives."

His car flips over and bursts into flames. higu0 looks over at Jonab and says, "fucker."

Jonab screams and then something rips him out of the car. White lights bathe him in warmth and splendor. He is sucked up into the air and everything disappears as he is surrounded by the white warmth. "Ahh I am being drowned in celestial slooge!"

"SILENCE STUPID MORTAL!"

"AhhhHH!!!!!!"

"I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF THINK DAMNIT!"

"..."

"BETTER! NOW JONAB I HAVE AN IMPORTANT QUEST FOR YOU! I HAVE CHOSEN YOU TO BRING MY PEO-

"Excuse me but, who the fuck are you?"

"..."

"Well?"

"ARE YOU SERIOUS? *SIGH* THAT'S IT I GIVE UP! EXCUSE ME WHILST I FLICK THE PLANET INTO THE SUN."

"WTF? You son of a bitch!"

"BRAVE LITTLE SHIT AREN'T YOU? THAT'S WHY I HAVE CHOSEN YOU! YOU JONAB! NOT higu0 (THOUGH HE WAS A CLOSE SECOND) BUT YOU!"

The celestial warmth gave way and Jonab fell to the ground slamming his tailbone. "AhhHH!" Rubbing his ass he gets up looking at his flaming car. He shakes a fist at the air. "What the hell did you choose me for?!" In response a rock falls from the sky and hits him in the left eye. Jonab screams and grabs at his face falling to the ground. By now a gang of homeless people have gathered around his car warming themselves by the fire. They look over as Jonab screams then turn back to the car.

Grabbing at his eye Jonab feels some paper on his face. He pulls it off to find a business card. 'If you have any questions please feel free to call upon me at anytime. Just shout out at your highest volume: "I love it, get it in me, do it now, I need it and I want it! Give me some holy spirits!"

Jonab looks at higu0 who is now slumped on the curb. Jonab picks him up and starts walking down the road looking at the sky. "To hell with you and your sexual commentary! I'm going home and making mac 'n' cheese and if you have a problem with that you can go straight to hell!

"You heard what he told you Jonab." Jonab looks at higu0 and drops the dummy whos head was now facing him.

"Holy shit!" Jonab jumps back.

"You are to go through with your plan with one minor change. YOU are to execute it." higu0 doesn't move his lips but he is obviously making the sounds.

"That's a suicide plan! And you're a fucking dummy you shouldn't even be talking!"

"I am a messenger from on high sent to guide you along your way as the prophet to save Baga." higu0 states blankly.

"A prophet that is supposed to kill the president?!" Jonab runs away from higu0 convinced that he isn't just suffering from teh drugs he took an hour earlier.