Kimberly's Deep Thoughts

Making changes

I had my very first therapy appointment the other day. I finally decided to go because of problems that occured in my recent relationship, but I think there is a lot more involved. It felt good to talk to someone who doesn't know me and can't judge me. I see alot of things in myself that I want to change. I want to know that it is ok to be alone. I know if I was in therapy when I was married things would have went in a different direction. I'm not saying that I would have stayed, I'm not really sure what I would have done, but I think I would have had more courage to be by myself instead of starting a new "bad" relationship. I think I would have been able to make more rational decisions. Well, I guess I did what I thought was right at the time, even though it was probably one of the most selfish things that I have ever done. I have a lot of guilt for leaving him like I did. Sometimes I think that this is my punishment. How could I expect to live a happy fulfilled life when I hurt someone like I did. I'm not saying my ex-husband was perfect, because he was far from it. I had a lot of anger towards him, I think that's how I justified leaving him.

Anyway, I left him because I was unhappy, and here I am again. My recent boyfriend says that I run from my problems, which is what made me really decide to go to therapy. I'm not sure if I ran from him, or if he just wasn't the person for me. He uses the "running" thing against me because he can. He knows that I ran to him a few years ago. He told me everything was going to be ok and I listened, but now it's not.


So, I decided to help myself, because I want to be happy. I want to learn how to take care of myself. I want to learn that it's ok to be alone. I want to know that I'm worth more then I think or how I feel. I want to stop being so angry. I want to be ok....