Day by day, again

Looney Toons

These days I swear I feel like the Tazmanian Devil. My emotions are so out of control I am beginning to wonder if a padded room might not the best place for me to be.

At work the other day a co-worker and friend accused me of saying something I never said and I never expected her to believe I could say something like that. When I asked her how she could think I would say something like that she responded with a comment that she never thought I would be the kind of person to say something about another coworker but I did. That hit me like a blow to the chest.

People that work together say negative things about each other from time to time including my friend. The person she was referring to has said some very ugly things about me that I just ignored. So have several other people. Instead of confronting the person, I just let it go. I can't control what others say and it's futile to try.

What hurt me so badly about having that one remark thrown back at me was this. Why am I the one being judged when others are being even more malicious? The person I made the comment about has even gone so far as to make an unkind remark about my father. She was upset with me for being late to work when he was ill.
Yet apparently she is a good person and I am not. I also became very angry. I was angry at myself for letting it get to me and angry because I let myself get so upset that I started crying and couldn't stop. I had to leave work. Everytime I thought about my friend using my comment to justify believing I would say something mean about her, I would start crying all over again. I hated myself for that. I absolutely hate to cry in front of anyone! It upset my son so badly that he became angry on my behalf because he has rarely seen me cry. I hate for my family to see me cry but when it's people I work with it's makes me hate myself that much more.

Somehow, I finally calmed down and told myself that pain is a part of life. A large part of my life in fact. Apparently my defenses, that I have spent years building, weren't as strong that day as they should have been. I will just have to make them stronger somehow.

You know, the funny thing is, some people will tell others when they hurt them. I can't seem to do that. What does it accomplish? It only makes the other person feel bad too to know they hurt someone. Why make someone else hurt too? I would rather keep the hurt to myself than to make someone else feel as bad as I do.