Day by day, again

Trials ahead

My father will go into the hospital this Tuesday and the doctors will biopsy the area they think may be a lymph node. If it's not malignant they will continue the surgery and remove the lung with the cancer. If it is malignant they will do nothing and we will just keep him comfortable until his time comes.

God, I pray it isn't malignant. The doctor said yesterday that if they are able to remove the cancer he would be considered cured. There's nothing to do if it is malignant because removing the node and the lobe of the lung would not increase his survival according to the doctor. He said chemo and radiation would be the only option then. I don't know if Daddy has even told him he doesn't want chemotherapy. He is adamant about that and we will respect his wishes. As much as it will hurt not doing anything I can't blame him for his decision. He wants the time he has left to be a good experience and enjoy his family. He doesn't want to be deathly ill trying to beat something that will likely take his life anyway.

I am praying every single night that God will show our family some mercy. Since He took our mother with cancer and then our sister 4 years later I hope He will allow Daddy to stay with us a bit longer. Of course if it's His will there is nothing I can do except pray for strength and comfort for our family and Daddy and especially pray that the Lord not allow him to suffer as my mother did. Watching that was devastating and left our entire family, especially Daddy, with a horrible memory of our mother. A memory that hurts deeply to this day. I don't want that to happen with Daddy. I want him to be kept comfortable so his death, if God wills it, will be peaceful and dignified.

I also hope God will give me and my family the strength to go through this again. Losing one parent to cancer was horrible. Losing the other the same way will be even worse because I know it will bring back bad memories of my mother. I'm fairly certain her being so sick and suffering with radiation treatments is why Daddy doesn't want to go that route.

One thing that will be a little bit of comfort will be knowing that he will be with Mama again. When she died a part of him died too. For several months I felt I had lost both my parents. Daddy's grief was so deep that he was never the same man after her death. Part of his soul died with her. I suppose it's because he said she was his soulmate. The very first look into each others eyes and he said it was love at first sight. It's really a funny story because he was going hunting with his brothers and they stopped to get gas which was just across the street from the cafe my mother worked in. She had just gotten off work and spotted him across the street. She thought he was so handsome she actually whistled at him! When he turned to look he said "that was all it took".

My parents had a good marriage. I can only remember one fight they had. They were always touching each other and doing little things for each other. Daddy would take Mama out on a regular basis without us to spend time with her. They would return happy and looked liked teenagers in love. My mother would be glowing! That's when I decided all I wanted to do was get married and raise a family with someone who would love me like my Daddy loved my mother.

Unfortunately that never happened to me. I had a son but never did find that special someone to make me glow. I suppose the Good Lord has other plans for me although I have no idea what they are. I never really understood why I have so much love to give and He didn't see fit to let me meet my soulmate. But, as my friends say, maybe my soulmate is yet to come. I think I'm a bit old for marriage now but love and companionship would definitely be welcomed.

For now, all I can do is put the situation of Daddy in the hands of God and pray that whatever decision He makes I can accept and get through it. As a woman at work told me, "when it gets to the point that you can't take anymore, that's when He will carry you." I surely hope so.