Who Am I?

What did you learn from that?

March 27, 2007

Good evening peoples!

I"m feeling rather silly this evening...both because I'm less worried about my little man and because I'm rather tired still and that's just what happens.

J is doing better...still sounds cruddy...still have lots of meds and breathing treatments going on but the temp is down and the vomitting has stopped.  Thank you Jesus!

So....I learned something in all of that that I have to share.  Never let it be said I can't laugh at myself.  In the middle of the night Sunday night, when J first woke up and then threw up the motrin...I called the dr's office.  They were less concerned about his fever and more concerned about his breathing...the fact that he was running a temp of 105 was by far more worriesome to me.  One of the suggestions she had for me was tylenol suppositories.  NOW..if I lived in or near a big city that might be something I can do..but I don't.  I live in the middle of BFE and the nearest 24 hour pharmacy is an hour a way.  She also wanted him put in the tub which I couldn't do because he couldn't sit up...personally I really just wanted her to say "take him to the ER" but she didn't..she did say if it didn't come down or he got worse to go..which I had planned on anyway.  Then suddenly I remembered that  a friend of mine had given me some Feverall..a generic tylenol suppository about a year ago when he had pneumonia.  So I went to the fridge...found them, and happily used one.  Unfortunately it didn't help.  During the time that we waited I sponged him down with cool cloths....finally when enough time had elapsed that there should have been SOME change, however minor and nothing had happened but to go up a couple of tenths we left. 

Fastforward to about 10:30 yesterday morning when we got home from the ER and got settled.  J by this time had thrown up the potassium suplement they gave him before we left the ER, his cough med, the tylenol and his very expensive antibiotic.....which I was suprised that medicaid paid for considering the trouble I"ve had trying to get them to pay for it in the past...this is the drug of choice for his sinus infections (omnicef)...it's also VERY expensive...$145 for a 10 day supply for a child who weighs less than 40 lbs. 

I had called the ER, the ped, and his allergist...because if I can't keep the meds in him, I can't keep the temp down or get him well.  The ER said, either bring him back or go into the peds office, the allergist said, call the ped, they should call in an anti-nausea/anti vomitting med.  The ped said no.  They dont' prescribe that for kids..too many side effects.  I had talked to the allergist first because the peds line was busy and I needed to talk to SOMEONE....worried as I was. 

So basically they wouldn't do anything....frustrated I called my friend who had given me the Feverall before to talk to her..she makes a great sounding board and I knew she'd have an idea..she did..she would send over some more Feverall...and then we'd just have to pray the nausea went away.  In the process of looking in the fridge to see how much Feverall I had left...I realized something.  The suppository I'd used the night before and what I had in my hand did not say Feverall.  I had assumed it was, not remembering that J's previous ped had prescribed a different suppository for him when he'd had pneumonia...phenergan..because he kept puking hten too.

So..it was great that I had it to use...and it has helped...and I've laughed at myself since...because I should have paid much more sense...but it was the middle of the night...I was tired and I was worried and scared.  Luckily it was a child's dose...and while it didn't lower the fever (or stop the puking...at least yesterday morning) it did help yesterday afternoon and evening.  At the same time, I'm really rather upset with myself...because I could have hurt him....though in truth, we've never had any other suppository in the house.  My son has an angel watching out for him.

Which kind of leads me to the message I got from the sermon at my mom's church.  The bible passage was on the woman who was brought before Christ as an adulteress.  Christ ignored the crowd at first then advised them that were without sin to cast the first stone...many times this passage is used to say things like...judge not, lest ye be judged,which I agree with....and many other sermons have come from it, I'm sure.  The priest's message was on forgiveness.  Christ died so we could be forgiven.  Christ very quickly forgave that woman and her life had to be changed forever.  I can't imagine any way it wouldn't be. 

I am a VERY forgiving person.  I don't like to be hurt..but I can't stand to see someone else hurt either.....and if I sense they are sorry...I'm pretty quick to forgive.  I just don't stay mad long..life's too short.  But there is one person in my life I tend to beat up for their mistakes.  Not forgive even though Christ has and would.  Make them listen over and over to the screw ups and places they are wrong.  And that's me.  While I have joked about my mistake yesterday..I"m also terrifyingly aware of what that mistake could have cost me....my son.  At first I felt relief that I had the medicine I needed...and it was his, so it's not like I had to give him someone else's meds to do it.  And in a way, it's funny.  But I screwed up.  I could've hurt him.  It doesn't matter that everyone makes mistakes.  It doesn't matter that all is ok.  The reality is I messed up and it could've been big.  And the more I think about it..the worse I feel.  I KNOW BETTER.  I have never given ANYONE a medicine without reading the label.  And while the box with the medicine is long gone, having been crushed up and torn in the last year....that's no excuse, it says right on the wrapping what it is.  And yes I was exhausted and worried and could barely keep my eyes open.  But this is my child's life and my spouse was here..I could've asked him to look at it.  But I made a blind assumption...and I feel very badly.  I will struggle with forgiving myself for awhile...though I'm very grateful that God was watching out for him and the med was his and safe to give him.  I'm grateful I had it to give him..because I believe that's one of the reasons he's doing better. 

I'm working on forgiving my mistakes....but that's what I learned...that I need to forgive myself...as much and as easily as I forgive others...what did you learn this week?

hugs, be safe
Vicky