Conscious Running Thoughts

Fear of action. Change to comfortable.

Today is a rerun of the torturous procrastination I have been putting myself through. I refuse to act and  follow through my decisions. I don't get in the car. Am I hoping to be bullied? Do I want to be ordered to take care of business? I am a good soldier at work. I follow even the 'suggested' rules. I must consider my boss worthy. What about myself?
I gave up living with a bully. Used to accept that daily, No way wishing I had that back. Don't allow myself to revert to those thoughts. Don't ever want to feel that kind of fear ever again. Why am I undermining my own rescue?
Life was like standing on a pillow and trying to feel a firmness beneath my feet. Day to day became a feud between how I wanted to think about my life and how I was told I should think about my life. There were times when I knew something was true and I would be bullied into believing I was wrong. I am still suspended in a similar fog of disbelief that I spent so much time living through. Paying attention to the dysfunctional ideas and miserable words became a habit and I have spent two years trying to change my focus. I have changed in many ways but the stillness of fear about who have I become raises in front of me and I will not be able to see around that fear, I must destroy it once and for all. My relationships have healed in many ways and I am loved and cared for by my family and friends. But they do not know how I fell inside.
There is a part of me that experiences healthy decision making skills. I have had an aversion to making those healthy decisions in my personal life, why? Because I truly do not believe I deserve it? But I know I do. I rescued myself already.
Maybe I haven't recovered. How do women know they recover, really? We have it programmed in our heads that we are incapable. To replace that programming with happiness, what one action or choice does it? Used to question every move I made. So used to accepting that things were 'not' going to work out well for me. I am "filling in" for the bully by 'being the bully in my head.
So what could another say to me to relieve the fears I have? Could they say, "Don't worry. Everything will be alright." ? What if they promised me something? What if they said they would take care of my problem? Would it make me better? Probably not. I am forcing myself to handle these things by myself or I will not grow. I know my life depends on me. I must act and I must stop believing I am paralyzed by fear. The longer I struggle the longer the struggle will be. 
So, I am going to get mad. I am going to get angry at myself and force myself to act. I am going to make a mission for the day to stop writing, get up, get dressed, and attack the world that I feel trapped in. Then, I will reward myself. 

cincin