Who Am I?

One of those days

July 20, 2007

Today has been a day..not a bad one...though the way I feel I've been hit by a mack truck!

The day started out ok...a little rushed and fried but ok...got the kids to bible day camp..they had a lot of fun.

Came home, took a shower -without interruptions....and then left to drive to Indy to meet my beloved Mike for lunch. We ate lunch at an all you can eat Pasta bar in a hotel near where he works...no kids, no  fussing...nice waiter...then I left to come back to pick up the kids...

Called the machine and there was a message from the apartment complex that there were some papers we needed to sign...heading us towards being approved to rent there...so since I was close I went back and signed them, picked up the kids and came home...

On the surface it sounds busy but good...here's what I didn't tell you....while I was on the phone with Mike-to tell him to stop by the apartments to sign the papers as well...I got another call...switched over and it was the ENT's office. They had the results of Jamie's CT scan from yesterday.

Drum roll please

He has a sinus infection...again..maybe still who the hell knows (please note utter frustration and anger) Other than that..the CT scan is normal..there are no physiological abnormalities...no blockage..no nothing...

BIG SIGH

While I rejoice that there is nothing majorly wrong with my baby's sinus cavaties....I truly do.....It could have been so much worse and I realize that....and I praise God......sort of..and I have to admit this...I was kind of hoping they'd tell me he was really backed up and needed to be cleaned out...or scar tissue from his adenoid surgery as a baby was blocking  or something...no..instead what they tell me is that they believe he has ALLERGIES.

NOW, for those of you who have been following along with this poor child's saga you can ignore this part.....for those who haven't...Jamie has had recurrent sinus infections for most of his 4.5 year old life....he's been on antibiotics almost nonstop for more than 2 years... a week here, a week there off but that's it. Most recently we went 41 days straight on antibiotics (2 different ones....) Jamie's been off of that for 2 weeks...14 days.  In this time he's seen the ENT and had a CT scan...now he's got another one and we are doing 20 days of a stronger one..and have been referred back to the ALLERGIST...again....he had allergy testing done a year ago...it was negative. Most recently they did lab work to check for an immuno deficiency....there were some low lab values that they boostered..but 2nd time around they were fine as well..and the level of allergen in his blood (IgE) was very low....yet the ENT says it's an allergy issue...the allergist was out of town when I called to voice both frustration and to advise them he has another sinus infection..I talked to his nurse...scheduled an appt and hope to talk to him next week (made the appt for 10 days out to give the meds a chance to "work". The last conversation I had with the allergist -his opinion was that we just needed to let him outgrow whatever the issue is that is causing this...because they can't find a reason.

To me..this is a cop out....He hadn't even ordered a CT scan or anything. Nobody has cultured the crap..maybe it's not bacterial..in which case he doens't NEED an antibiotic...maybe it's fungal...maybe it's stronger than the antibiotics they've given him...I just can't see twiddling our thumbs for the next few years and hoping he outgrows it..not with the frequency of infections...I'm ready to cry and I feel so bad for this little boy for whom having a sinus infection..and the pain and pressure that go with it have become so common place he doesn't even talk about it...says he doesn't hurt ( I have asked if he hurts and where ...not specifics...because I don't want to put words in his mouth..and only when I suspect he's getting sick) It breaks my heart that he thinks he's alwasy sick (though you can't tell it most of the time...he runs and plays inspite of it all...the only thing that knocks him down is a high temp..and I'm talking like 104 (read back to March when we ended up in teh ER)

Don't get me wrong..I'm grateful there is no major issue on the CT scan..I'm grateful he doesn't have an immuno deficiency...I just feel like we are missing something. I feel like this doens't just happen and if someone would tell me what to do to help I'd gladly do it (one of the reasons we are moving...)

As I've typed this...Jamie, who was laying on the floor watching tv, curled up under his blanket(because he wasn't tired, just cold) has fallen to sleep. He was outside at bible day camp for 6 hours, running, playing, and having fun. Despite the fact that he has a bad sinus infection....no wonder he's been a heathen for the last week. Yet how do I not discipline the bad choices and behaviors...he can't get away with it all even if he is sick...but it's hard to find the line...another of my frustrations with this whole thing.  I certainly understand falling apart and crying over little things if he's got the sinus pressure and pain I get when I have a sinus infection...and I take medicine..unless I know he's sick I try not to medicate him...and until 2 days ago..there was no drainage...BIG SIGH...enough on all that.

Other than that the day went well. I'm tired, frustated and looking for answers.....I enjoyed my wonderful lunch with my wonderful husband. Tomorrow we have a community event at our church in the evening...on Sunday we have a special singer..and I'm looking forward to them both....we are  also going to start doing some packing.

Say some prayers for us...I need answers for my baby..I need money for the move and I need peace within it all.

Sorry...while I know there are positives to it all...I just don't have the energy to look for them..nor the energy to fake like I feel them. I don't. I'm worried and I'm scared for my little guy. I know he's in God's hands and I know this move is in his best interest. I'm just not sure it's enough...can a house make you that sick when you supposedly aren't allergic to ANYTHING? He's been tested for molds, outdoor allergens, pets, milk...and much more...

I've eaten supper. I'm going to go take my shower and go to bed. The angel of God told Elijah, when he was exhausted and scared, running for his life...to eat and to rest. Then look for God. And you will find him in the place you least expect Him (my paraphrase..the actual scripture can be read here-

http://bible.crosswalk.com/OnlineStudyBible/bible.cgi?word=1+Kings+19%3A1+-+14&s...


It's one of my favorite passages of scripture...My Women's Devotional Bible (that Cassy threw up on and no longer have) used this passage with a devotion on how to beat discouragement and depression. I am definitely discouraged. Though I suppose I should pay attention to Jamie's bible day camp craft for today...It's a picture..sort of...and in the middle of this paper..i.s a smaller white piece..that says in big black bold letters.."The Battle is the Lord's" It has rocks glued on it....both the wording and the rocks bring to mind songs...The wording brings to mind a song we sing in Praise Band..."The Battle Belongs to the Lord" I may have shared it here before...but the last verse..and my favorite...goes "When the enemy presses in hard do not fear. The battle belongs to the Lord. Take courage my friend your redemption is near. The battle belongs to the Lord." It is His battle and He's in charge...

The other song is one Cassy taught me from camp a couple of years ago..they sang it at the most recent one as well It goes.."He's my rock, my sword, my shield, He's the wheel in the middle of the wheel. He's the lilly of the valley, He's my bright and morning star. Makes no difference what you say, I'll get on my knees and pray I will pray until the day that Jesus comes" At least that's close...lol...each set of words has actions to it. YOu sing the song over and over ..replacing phrases with actions and sounds...the kids like it..mike hates it becasue it repeats OVER AND OVER AND OVER...lol

Ok..thanks for listening..I guess I"m a bit better..and sleep will help much. I will be on a bit tomorrow. Take care and God bless

hugs
Vicky