Happiness is a Choice

Offer a Hand Up

Last week, I listened to a motivational speaker who shared with his audience the importance of lifting up those around us.  He spoke about the need to help and encourage at every opportunity. 

He told of small kindnesses, such as a smile to a cashier or a friendly hello to a passerby.  He expounded on the larger offerings from taking a youngster into your home to taking a chance on someone who has disappointed you in the past.  He had a multitude of examples of how mentors had turned around lives, and in the end, those turned-around lives changed hundreds of others.  He remembered someone who helped a small child, and that child ultimately found his benefactor years later.  The man was old, ill and alone.  The recipient of all those good deeds so long ago was blessed with the chance to repay them.  He became emotional as he talked of a sports coach who was always there for him.

Of course, I agreed with every word he said.  People are brought into our lives for a reason, sometimes for our benefit and sometimes for theirs.  Our job is to take care of our neighbor whether he is our boss or our employee, our family or persons unknown to us, our ally or our competitor.  Still, I heard a small voice within my mind wondering how many people would hear his oration and take it as an endorsement of all the wrong things?  How many would come away from that gathering, continuing to throw money at a problem that needed a personal touch?  How many would use his words to justify allowing others to take advantage of them? 

I know an individual hesitant to stop to ask a crying child if help is needed.  That same individual gives thousands of dollars to some fund to feed the children.  He does not investigate to see where the funds go.  Instead, he pats himself on the back for having made the monetary sacrifice and enjoys the tax deduction.    What about the person who exhausts themselves by personally giving time, money and support to another who simply takes it?  When the day comes that there is nothing left to give, the user will find another source to crush, leaving their previous victim in the dust.

Gifts must come without strings to be gifts, but we owe it to the recipients and to ourselves to be judicious in our choices.  To provide assistance that circumvents the receiver from gaining the self-respect of making it on their own is unkind and selfish.  True charity must be earned by virtue of the response from the beneficiary.    It's not the 'thank you' bestowed on the giver, but the use made of the largesse received that determines its worth.    People who are never held responsible, never become responsible.  Enablers and users enjoy a symbiotic relationship, feeding on each other's need to be used.

As citizens, we have the burden of creating level playing fields, offering support where needed and assuring the opportunity for success to those who seek it.  As members of our community, we are morally obligated to do those things that will make our environment the source of good family memories and nostalgia for our children.  As employers, our duty is to set the performance bar and reward those who give their best effort to reach it.  As spouses, we take an oath to honor and be faithful to our significant others.  Marriage vows do not include the onus of accepting second best or abuse.  As parents, our job is to teach our children to hold themselves responsible for their behavior.   

So, yes, it is compulsory to our own happiness that we spread kindness and caring.  Equally essential to a satisfied life is the understanding that a hand-up is not a handout.  Love of one's neighbor comes with the obligation that it be received with respect.  The Golden Rule has an often-ignored double edge.

Doing unto others as I would wish them to do unto me includes expecting from them what they should expect from me were the tables turned: proof that their magnanimity was well placed.