Despertar

rummer

I'm calling this the first official day of my summer, even though I still have two exams next week. I had people over to play drinking games, but they decided they wanted to watch Brat Pack movies while drinking, instead, and I think that's lame, and I'm not doing it. The drinking part, I'm doing. The retarded eighties movies, no. I'm not doing that.

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1. Do you do drugs? Do you want to?
I've become something of a cocktail aficionado; law school'll do that to you. I'm not proud of it, exactly, but there is something sort of glamorous about acquiring a whole repertoire of drunken memories to go along with the regular ones, so there's that. Tasting various dark liquors on your man's mouth before you pounce him, et cetera. But alcohol's not a "drug," it's a life necessity. Wait, who said that?

2. Do you believe in a god/gods?
That there's something governing everything makes more sense than that it's all a bunch of coincidences. But I think, whatever it is, it's beyond our powers of human comprehension, and I don't think it really matters, anyway.

3. Have you ever used an online dating service?
Once, with extensive, dramatic results. He fell hard for me, I never felt anything serious for him. The problem with it, on top of the obvious weirdness of mate-shopping, was that the forum itself eliminated the one element of manhood I actually find attractive. In the beginning stages of dating, there is nothing I find more repellant than a man who is desperate to have me.

4. Do you smoke? Do you want to?
No, and no. It's gross, and it will probably kill you.

5. Are you afraid of clowns or any other carnival creatures?
If I weren't drunk, I would declare, on the basis of this question, that this survey is stupid, and I would abandon it.

6. Do you like watching random stuff burn?
I like listening to Andrea Bocelli's rendiiton of "Con Te Partiro" while the police sirens wail outside my window. You can find God in anything.

7. Are you a virgin?
No, and maybe I never was one. There was no blood, no tearing, no pain worse than trying to do it without a lot of kissing first. He probably thought I was lying, but I wasn't. He was, as it turned out. Mr. I'm-Saving-Sex-for-Marriage was actually fucking lesbian first-years while I was going starry-eyed for his purity. Best four years ever!

8. If not, how many people have you laid? If yes, do you want to stay a virgin?
Only Meg knows my actual number, and because half the list constitutes, collectively, the worst mistakes I've ever made in life, I'd prefer to keep it that way.

9. Do you consider yourself to hold a certain amount of intelligence?
One point twenty-one gigawatts of it, yes.

10. Do you consider yourself to be any hotter than some of your friends?
About half.

11. Have you ever had a crush on someone of the same sex?
Yes. I remain firmly convinced sexuality has much more to do with mentality than it does with anatomy. I'm attracted to power, to independence and control and force and charisma, and when I found those in a woman, that one time, my pleasure centers were sufficiently satisfied and I fell, a little bit.

12. What's the worst gift you've ever gotten for Christmas?
Denzel Washington's book about manhood. From Mahcus, dahling.

13. Do you like to brag?
Who doesn't? Fortunately, most of the people I talk to are perceptive enough to realize it all masks profound insecurity, and they just tune me out.

14. Do you have a problem with gay people?
No. The DC legislature just approved a bill about recognizing same-sex marriages performed elsewhere, and my first thought was, fuck, I hope they don't preempt The Office to cover this all night.

15. Have you answered truthfully to every question?
No, I lied by omission once, and I outright lied on another one.

16. If yes, do you intend to keep going with the honesty now?
Not applicable.

17. Great! Let's say that's a yes and keep going!
Okay, whatever. Honestly, I'm just biding my time till all these people leave and Justin comes over.

18. What did you dress up as last Halloween?
A weary traveler. I went to New York and visited three of my best friends in one weekend, which was fun, but exhausting and hard on the feet. They live in the East Village, Harlem and the Bronx, which, for those who don't know, are not exactly adjacent neighborhoods.

19. Do you have a nice ass--your personal opinion?
My opinion is irrelevant here, as I don't care much for rears in general. If I were a guy, I'd be into breasts, because I sort of am anyway. But in the collective opinion of the people around me, yes, I do have a nice ass. It is my most famous feature among my male classmates, in fact. Disregarding my face, in fact, it's probably my best physical feature, as evidenced by the fact that sexual response I get on the street amplifies as I'm walking away.

20. Do you let your mom decide what you wear?
On days when I'm going to see her, my shoulder angel talks me out of many outfits before I settle on something she'd like.

21. What's your curfew/bedtime?
I'm not a teenager, but when I look at the clock and it's four in the morning, I consider myself to be officially fucked for the next day. I try not to ever still be awake at four o'clock.

22. Please tell me you don't need a curfew.
I probably do. I never get enough sleep and I'm always tired.

23. What's the craziest dream you've ever had?
Well. I'm a child of the nineties. In general, my dreams are structured to involve lots of strategy and power-ups, like hidden levels of Mario or Donkey Kong. So they make lots of sense to me, and don't read as crazy.

24. Do you talk to your parents about your sex life?
Last year, when my mom came with me to try on dresses on Cache, she spotted the rug burn on my back. "What's that?" she asked. She reads me like a book, lying is pointless, so I said, "Oh, it's rug burn. Um." She sucked her teeth and said, "Hmph. Be careful." That's it, on the sex talk. My dad believes I'm a virgin. Or wants to, at least.

25. Do you...like...do you have one at all?
A sex life, I assume you're talking about. I, like, do have one yes. The most recent event on my sex calendar was about thirty-six hours ago, afternoon sex in Justin's bedroom, followed by a trip to Union Station for teriyaki chicken skewers, followed by more sex, then some Wii Fit. Afternoon delights are a rarity, though, and I prefer it that way, because they are awkward. I don't really care for being examined, and wiped down, in the harsh light of day.

26. I hope so for you. I want good things for you.
Then you'll be gratified to know I have achieved full inebriation.

27. What brand is your favorite pair of shoes?
Here's something I'll have to fix when I get my first paycheck this summer: I don't earn any shoes that cost more than eighty-five dollars. As such, my current favorites are Steve Maddens, which I realize is sickeningly adolescent of me.

28. How do you want to die?
Comfortably, in bed, with my loved ones around me. Or: Suddenly, unexpectedly, in someplace other than my hometown so my loved ones don't have to see it on the news.

29. Where do you see yourself in twenty years?
Nowhere. I don't have a clue where I'll be or what I'll be doing. Hopefully not still trying to pass the bar.

30. Do you like your privacy?
Filling out stupid high school surveys while drunk is antithetical to privacy.

31. If you do. Why the hell are you taking this survey?
As I said.

32. According to you, what's your biggest flaw?
Tequila?

33. Are you superficial?
No, because I've read the Constitution and I listen to Elis Regina. Which I understand are the litmus tests.

34. Have you ever had a celebrity crush? If yes, who?
Oh, God. There was a period of about eighteen months during which I literally spent every waking moment thinking about Gillian Anderson. It was pervasive, I tell you. At the time, I couldn't possibly have envisioned there would ever be a time when I didn'tspend every free minute trolling the then-pubescent internet for pictures of her in sexy collared button-downs. And. There was the Johnny Depp thing; I saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory thirteen times at various theaters, which, had I exercised some self-control, I'd be over a hundred dollars richer today. And thanks to YouTube, I've cycled back into a phase of adoring John Stamos circa 1991, which is clearly fruitless. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

35. Do you like to dance like no one's watching?
To "Zero to Hero," from Disney's Hercules, yes.

36. Do you consider yourself to be a computer geek?
Given what I was like at fourteen, it would have seemed like the obvious extrapolation, yes, but no, not so.

37. Do you watch soap operas?
Not since Passions went off.

38. Just a boring question; what's the time?
You should know, tequila isn't like apple juice.

39. Really? I'm seriously sleepy.
So am I. To the point where I'm actually contemplating texting Justin to retract my earlier invitation. I hate blacking out during sex

40. So...ever been naked in front of your secret crush?
He's not a secret, and he's probably seen me naked enough times to reconstruct my likeness, from memory, out of Play-Doh. And vice versa. I've studied him from behind while he pulled up South Park episodes on the internet, and for lack of a better comparison, his posture exactly resembles that of a male Sim at the easel.

41. Do you have many friends?
Just enough, I think.

42. Do you like Superman?
He is my least favorite pop culture icon.

43. Tell me about someone you definitely don't like?
She tried to seduce a drunken Justin into going home with her after his birthday party. I almost ripped her earring from her lobe without unfastening it first. Except I didn't, of course. He introduced her to me as his "gym buddy," and introduced me to her as "Shannon." I spent hours analyzing that encounter, afterward. I haven't seen her since, but he goes to the gym every day, just about. Anyway, I have no reason to dislike her, really, except for that one thing that happened in February. It's probably nothing.

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Really, really drunk.