"Her"

Miss B

"So I'm afraid again. What else is new?" I announce to Her. This time I think of another woman, one who's been there almost from the beginning. She's nothing like me, and yet I've always felt a pull towards her. For the first time, I don't have any distractions, and neither does she, but I'm bothered by our differences. "I don't want to hurt her."

I think you're more afraid of letting her hurt you. Otherwise you would have had her already. She always offered.

"Yeah. She offered when she was married. She offered when she was seeing another woman. What does that say about her integrity?"

That her integrity is flawed, of course. But you didn't give in, and neither one of you is involved with anyone, so what's the problem?

"I'm always going to be second best. She prefers men. I know that."

I think the only person she prefers right now is you. She's wanted you for two years. Everyone else she's pursued has been a substitute. And you know that.

I drop my eyes. I'm terrified, and it feels like my lungs have ballooned up to squeeze my heart to keep it from beating so fast. "What should I do? She'll want to get serious."

So?

"So? I don't want serious."

You don't want heartbreak. You don't want pain. But you want serious. The thing is, you can't have a commitment without any pain.

"It's not going to work out anyway. There are too many factors involved here."

There are always factors to be considered in any relationship. It all depends on how much you're willing to give.

"I'm scared."

She holds me, rubbing my back so I can feel the smoldering heat within her fingers. Sometimes I think of her as a fireplace, keeping me warm, and chasing all my deep dark shadows away. I wish she could hold me forever, but the moment passes, and she's looking in my eyes again. I wonder for the thousandth time what she is, but I know that isn't important. Only her presence is. I know. But you can't let fear hold you back from being happy, or at least making the attempt.

"All right. I'll try my best. But whatever happens, happens. No promises this is going to work."

She smiles warmly. Of course.