Personal Journal

Today, No Job Seeking

Actually that's not true; I applied for an internship that I'm sure I won't get.

Frankly, yesterday I journaled my way into a pretty nihilist mood with the discussion of job hunting. Did I journal about that yesterday or the day before? Who cares...

No, what happened yesterday was that my networking contact for Goodrich basically said that the job I wanted was already filled. And then she asked me if I had this experience or that experience, and I had very little of it, and perhaps, depending on how the world feels about bending one's history to suit a possible future, none at all. It started looking pretty grim when even someone who I have met looks at my experience and says "It's insufficient." I'm not sure she said that, but that's certainly what I read into it.

That's a big part of my problem. I feel as though I'm destined to fail and to starve because I'm a nobody, a slacker of some excellent renown (within my own head) and undeserving of what success I have generated to date (which amounts to being about 10 percent over the median American family income all by myself). By the way, how in the hell does a family of four live on $48,000 a year?

I looked at jobs today. I saw a couple I liked. And then I saw that you need to have proposal writing experience, or 5 years doing time-series data analysis, and whatnot. And I don't have that experience. And so, I blow it off and walk away and I just said to myself: Give it a rest.

There will be jobs when I look next week or next month, or when I graduate. Whatever. I just can't kill myself with the constant looking, because it consistenly returns to me the indication that my experience is lacking... And so I'm probably not going to have much luck until that MBA is actually done. And I DO have a job right now, and it's one where I can do my school reading because there's so very fucking little to do here on a day to day basis. And as far as anyone can tell me right now, I'm not due for a layoff, nor is my department, until Fall 2011 (I expect that to change, but probably not until after this October).

I just want to live a littel, relax a lot, get some fucking solid As in school over the next two or three semesters, enjoy my wife, enjoy my life.

Today, I'm not looking anymore. In fact, I resolve not to look anymore this week or next. Just live.

It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot
Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success. -- Alonzo Newton Benn