Personal Journal

Life Improves

Life is better now.

I feel more positive. I feel more in control (which I better be careful about, because that's when I fall behind in school!).

I have noticed a great increase in happiness commensurate with my having achieved weight loss goals. Over the summer, I have lost about 2-inches off my waist. I'm down a loop on my belt, almost down two. I think I have come to learn about myself that managing my weight is the most important thing I can do for myself to maintain my self esteem. It is really surprising to look back at where I was in the Spring and see how miserable I was, and how strongly that was correlated to weight (not even diet - I knew what I was eating and why, I just couldn't exercise enough to make any headway).

In this crazy life of grad school, trying to be a husband that's as good a spouse as my wife is to me, working an hour from home (in a job I rather dislike), weight was the one thing I could have complete control of (diet, exercise, jackass!) and the growing size of my spare tire hit me every day whenever I got out of the shower. That was all my doing.

Now we have really what feels like major progress (feels like, because I am not stepping on a scale - look and feel and fit of clothes are my metrics - again, which serves to make me feel more positive). I've modified my diet a bit (maybe a little bit more than a bit). And I have an exercise routine that is rigorous, consistent, and thorough. I FEEL like I'm below an old threshold that was really important to me as a kayaker (240). I'm not sure I'm below that, but it looks like it. And I'm riding better (as measured by heart rate monitor and calorie output).

It just makes me happy. Amidst all the things I cannot control, I'm controlling the one thing that I CAN which is most important to me.

I also quit looking for work. It's September, and not much hiring is going on between now and the end of the Holiday season (especially in my field of work), so I quit making myself miserable. I'm less than 30 weeks from my MBA, and I figure more doors are going to open then, and the economy should be picking back up by then. I'm not getting laid off here (though I did my best to advocate for my own layoff!), and thus, things are secure through February pretty easily.

So I'm just handling school, being a better husband, and managing my weight.

I quit giving myself crap about how much I smoked: result, I smoke less and have less angst.

I don't concern myself one iota with my mother anymore. Result, freed up space for contemplation, reflection. Freed from negative energy.

I play Starcraft 2 and I hang out with my wife and my niece (who now lives with us).

I quit looking for jobs: Result, I feel happier about myself and what I am capable of. I focus more of that time on all the other things that are important to me - school, improving as a husband, maintaining a healthy weight.

I'm just really content, and I have to credit myself for having responded to my realization that what I need to focus on right now is simply growing into a better, more consistently positive, happy person.

So far so good.

It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot
Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success. -- Alonzo Newton Benn