"Her"

What Now?

"I wish I could stop screwing things up." I say to Her, a little groggy and giggly from the brandy I've had. "It seems like every time I go for something I want, I end up screwing it up. I wish I was back on my island again. Then I wouldn't feel this way."

Love is a hurting thing sometimes. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

I giggle. "Yeah. I'm sorry too. Sorry I even bothered. She's the first woman I really respected. Smart, really put together, and her body...wow!" I giggle some more. "I am such an idiot. I can't make anyone happy. It never works out. Never ever works out. I'll always say the wrong the thing, or be silent when I should be speaking. Or just fuck things around wrong. I hate being wrong. I really hate that. I think I was better off being numb inside. Then I could keep everything on the surface. Nice and respectful-like. You know? Then no one has to feel uncomfortable. I'd hate for anyone to be uncomfortable around me. But that happens anyway, doesn't it? I am just a rude bitch no matter what I do, no matter how I come off. Right?"

You've been doing really good. So good. You've been shining so bright-

"But it doesn't matter, does it? I try my best for my family, I really do. And I can't make anyone happy. I can't take anyone's pain away. I can't even get a date with someone I care about." I kick back a log sip of goldschlager.

Drinking anymore of that won't help any. Stop please.

"Okay. For you I will."

Why not for you?

"I'm not so important in the grand scheme of things. I just tell stories no one cares about and no understands. I'm not important. Not at all.Important people get dates and have people who understand them. People who get them. No one gets me. I'm an anomoly. Something that shouldn't have happened. A happy accident."

Happy accidents don't have muses.

I giggle momentarily. "Maybe. Or maybe you took pity on me. Maybe you're not real. Maybe you're just some mental fail-safe to try to keep around a little longer." I laugh at that. A mental fail-safe! LOL "You are officially hilarious! Officially!" I lean over and rest my forehead on my keyboard. "I just wish it didn't hurt so fucking much. I wish I could take something and be gone. Straight ghosted."

Her chuckle is dry. You don't mean that.

I chuckle back. "Naw. Not really. Who else is gonna write what I can write about? Who else has the stomach for it? Ha-how!"