My Blog

What I Want to Say

I've loved you for longer than I can even remember. I can't recall the exact moment when I realized it, but it's been there, in my heart, this whole time. You once told me, years ago, that you couldn't understand how my daughter's father could be so stupid as to let me get away. So, when you walked away and didn't look back, fell in love with someone else, it hurt more than I can ever say. I know I never told you how I felt. I know that my life was a mess and I was behaving in a way that would make anyone question my ability to be true and faithful. But, you never let on you were looking for that kind of relationship. You were seeing other women, I was seeing other men. What you didn't know, and what I couldn't say,was that all you had to do was ask. If you had said, "I don't want you to see anyone else." I would have stopped seeing other people. I would have given anything to be with you and only you. For you to love me the way I loved you. But, I was young and scared and foolish and I never said a word.

When you got into a relationship with her, I thought you were happy. I was sad for myself, but happy for you. I'm sorry she hurt you, I hate her for cheating on you. I don't understand how she could do that to you. I don't understand how someone could have you, could WIN you away from the others and then not appreciate you, not be thankful every day for having won the heart of the sweetest, kindest, most loving man I've ever known.

As happy as I am to have you back in my life again, I hate that you had to get hurt for it to happen. I hate that I had to make so many stupid mistakes in my life, mistakes that make it hard for you to trust me. I love you with all my heart. My biggest fear is losing you again. I could never do ANYTHING to hurt you, anger you, upset you in any way because I don't want you to give up on me, I don't want you to walk away from me, I don't want to lose you, your friendship, your loving, I want to make you happy.

I just wish I could say these things out loud. I know I've opened up more in this last year than I ever have, but I still fear saying all this out loud.

I guess I'm a bit of a coward.