Down the Rabbit Hole

Like the rest of the world...

Like the rest of the world, I watched the events of this last Friday unfold with an ever-increasing sense of dread and horror. When I learned that in fact twenty people had been killed, the majority of them children under the age of 8, I was overcome with sadness and despair. As a relatively new mother of a beautiful little girl, I could not begin to comprehend the grief and desperation that those parents would now have to confront and ultimately survive. I confessed to my co-worker that each day when I get off the exit to my daughter’s preschool, I always have the same terrible and fleeting thought, “what if she’s not there?” I know that it’s simply one of those ridiculous, paranoid thoughts that parents sometimes experience, born of anxiety, fueled by our greatest love and vulnerability. I know this, so I am able to dismiss it as quickly as it enters my mind. Yet in those seconds, the debilitating bolt of sheer panic and terror that accompany that singular thought, carry enough fear to shatter me mortally each day if I gave into it. I could not help but think of those moments as I watched the parents racing through the parking lot, their features contorted with that same fear and terror…believing, because they have to, that this is another one of those times when their irrational fears will prove to be nothing more than anxiety and they will find their children safe and sound. We all know now that this was not the case…many of those parents did not find their children waiting for them. The names of the victims were announced and heartbreaking photos of their young faces have been released...the beautiful babies and the brave teachers and administrators who laid down their lives to protect them.

My grandmother has always told me to try to find the good in everything. She has been at a lost for words herself these last few days. Our conversations have bounced between anger and outrage, to tears and sorrow…neither one of us has tried very hard to find the good in anything. Sandy Hook could have been any school, in any town and the realization has torn away any semblance of safety and security for everyone. I left my daughter off at school today; I hugged her much more than just once. I spent more time chatting with her teachers, the fresh-faced and beautiful young women who spend more time with my daughter than anyone. I am grateful for their obvious affection for her and for all the little ones left in their care each day. I lingered, I kissed and hugged, and then I made sure the coded door swung shut solidly behind me as I left. I said a prayer to keep them all safe.

I believe myself to be a pragmatic and practical person. And despite my heavy heart, I do believe that good can come from any situation, no matter how horrific…so by my nature this morning I am actively searching for that “good”. As a nation we are all doing the same things as a result of this tragedy…holding our children tighter, taking the time to appreciate our blessings, bonding together as a society, offering our prayers and support – those are all good things. The events at Sandy Hook will bring about more changes and improvements to security, safety procedures and emergency response training in our schools and those are all good things. This has started up again the debates and discussions on gun control and perhaps most importantly, conversations about mental health care in this country. We are sharing comments and perspectives, opening dialogue about topics from violence in video games to caring for adolescents with behavioral and emotion issues. Those are all good and important of conversations. We are educating ourselves on how best to make sure those innocents lost in Sandy Hook do not die in vain.

September 11th was an attack on our nation. Sandy Hook is an attack on our humanity. I saw something on Facebook recently that read “We are Sandy Hook”, and I thought that message was so powerful and poignant. We are one nation, under God. We are all humans united by a love and loss, fear and hope. Keep the conversations going. Education and responsible actions are the only real ways to bring about change and to honor and redeem the lives of so many lost.