Boy in the Shadows

Chapter Six - "Tormented And Torn Apart"

“This is what I thought, I thought you'd need me


This is what I thought, so think me naïve


I promise you a heart, you promise to keep


Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep”





- Prelude 12/21, AFI

The scent of Sam's hair lingered in his nostrils. Adam's eyes opened slowly, heavily, sleep still weighing them down. A warm blanket covered his shoulders. He reached out for Sam, but the bed was empty. Fear gripped him for a split second and he turned over quick. Sam's backpack was still in the chair, easing the sudden fear that maybe Sam had left while Adam slept.


         He found Sam in the living room, asleep on the sofa beneath the soft throw blanket. The faint gray light of dawn pressed weakly at the windows. The rain was a mere drizzle now. The fire burned low and Adam tossed on a few more logs. He stood before the slowly growing fire and watched Sam sleep.


         The kid's face wasn't the relaxed face of someone caught up in peaceful dreams. He seemed tense, his brow tight. Wetness gleamed on his golden eyelashes, as if tears were trying to press through from behind his eyelids. Adam went to the sofa and squatted down on his heels before Sam. He stroked Sam's cheek with his thumb, brushing lightly over his damp lashes. A tear seeped through and Adam caught it with his thumb, wiping it away.


         “Oh Sam.” Adam whispered, then kissed Sam's face softly. “You're such a beautiful mystery to me.” He sighed and stood to his feet. “And a frustrating one.” He added quietly.


         He left Sam asleep on the sofa and went into the bathroom. He turned on the shower and stripped off his boxers, then stepped beneath the hot spray. As he went through his showering routine, he couldn't get the image of Sam out of his mind. He'd asked Sam to take one more night to consider staying on, but after last night...would he just cut and run?


         Adam flattened his hands on the shower wall and hung his head beneath the water spray, closing his eyes. The hot water ran down his back, butt and thighs. For an intense moment he was propelled back into the previous evening, on the sofa with Sam. The kid had felt so good in his arms, his kiss as sweet and intoxicating as the wine they'd been drinking.


         A low, agonized groan climbed up Adam's throat as his body responded to the memory. He couldn't help but wonder how close they'd really come to making love last night.


         Just get it over with.


         Sam's words hit him again, hard. They still made no sense to Adam. Get what over with? Sam had begged him to make love to him...to be done with him.


         Adam sighed and lifted his head, letting the spray hit him in the face. What was going on in Sam's head? His heart? Something in his past had taken root inside the kid and continued to torture him to this day.


         Adam shut off the shower and stepped out. He grabbed a towel off the rack and wrapped it around his waist then wiped steam off the mirror. He stared at his reflection. There was hardness in the dark eyes looking back at him. A tightness to his brow.


         “Jase.” He whispered tightly. “You piece of shit...what the fuck did you do to my beautiful Sam?” Hot tears burned Adam's eyes. “How could you damage such a perfect soul?”











A deep, crippling fear clutched at Sam's heart and mind. Jase stared back at him, the light in his eyes drowning in a sea of uncertainty. He stood slowly to his feet and turned away from Sam, staring out at the dark ocean, the foamy waves gliding up onto the beach.


         “Jase...” Sam crawled to his feet. The shakes were already gripping him as the fear clutched tighter.


         “I don't know what you're saying, Sam.” Jase's voice strained with tears and anger. “You're not making any sense. Why the hell are you telling me this shit?”


         Sam hugged himself tightly, trying to calm the shakes, but to no avail. “I can't...pretend anymore, Jase.” Tears thickened his words, filled his eyes. “And I don't want to lie to you. I need you to know the truth. I need you to understand.”


         Jase whirled on him suddenly. The fierceness in his eyes caused Sam to take a step back in shock. “Understand what?” Jase nearly screamed at him. “That you're out of your fucking mind? Is this some kind of joke?” Jase jabbed a finger at himself. “Look at my face, Sam! I ain't fucking laughing!”


         Tears spilled down Sam's face as a hard sob hit him. “Jase...please.” He cried and reached for the boy's arm.


         Jase jerked away violently, stumbling back a step or two. Sam watched the last remnant of Jase's love for him consumed and engulfed by the raging fire in the other boy's eyes.


         “Jase...please...don't do this.” Sam trembled beneath his sobs. “I love you...I need you to understand. Please!”


         Jase shook his head slowly and backed away. Burning tears filled his eyes and ran down his face. “You're fucking crazy.” He swiped at his eyes, his face twisting with pain and rage. “I mean, what the fuck!” He raked his fingers through his hair and turned away from Sam again.


         “Jase, I'm sorry.” Sam cried. “I wanted to tell you...so many times. I just...I didn't know how.”


         Jase continued to shake his head as if he denied it enough it wouldn't be true. “I can't do this.” He whispered unsteadily. “I can't...get my mind around it. It's too fucking...insane.” He turned and looked at Sam hard. “Do you even realize how fucking insane it sounds?”


         Sam nodded slowly, tears flooding his face. “I do.”


         Shaking his head again, Jase moved away from Sam in the direction of the bonfire down the beach. “We shouldn't have made love.” Jase whispered thickly.


         Desperation clutched Sam's mind and he stepped forward quick, grabbing onto Jase's shirt, burying his face in the other boy's throat. “Please don't say that, Jase.” He cried hard. “I love you.” Sam kissed his neck, clutched fistfuls of his shirt. “You said you would always love me...you said I was all you wanted...that you would marry me some day.”


         Jase grabbed Sam's wrists, trying to pry him lose. “Let go of me, Sam.” He ground out tightly.


         “Just hold me, Jase.” Sam clung to him, crying uncontrollably. “Just kiss me, baby...please...don't go away, Jase...don't. Please!”


         Jase tore Sam's hands loose.


         “Jase!” Sam's throat was closing. He couldn't breathe. “Please, no...”


         Jase shoved him away. “Get away from me, Sam!”


         “No!” Sam cried, sucking at the night air, trying to fill his lungs, but his chest was crushing in on itself. He grabbed at Jase again. “You can't leave me, Jase! You promised you loved me! You promised!”


         “Dammit, Sam, let go of me!” Jase screamed at him.


         Sam didn't see his fist, just felt it smash into his jaw. He went down hard, blackness squeezing at his mind. He gasped hard, trying to see past the darkness invading his vision. “Jase...” He choked on his sobs as he rolled over and tried to crawl towards the other boy.


         “Don't ever come near me again!” Jase yelled. “You fuckin' freak!”


         Jase's foot nailed Sam in the stomach, knocking him onto his back. Sam coughed and choked on his cries, clutching his stomach.


         “What the hell's goin' on?” A single voice. Through the haze of pain and horror, Sam couldn't place the owner of the voice, just that it was one of the kids from down the beach. One of Jase's friends. They were all Jase's friends...not Sam's. They'd never really been Sam's friends, just accepted him because he was with Jase.


         Other voices joined in. Jumbled together. He heard Jase speaking to them, telling them what Sam had told him. Telling everyone.


         “Jase...” Sam choked weakly. “Don't...please don't...”


         Another kick caught him on the ribs, whether from Jase or someone else, he didn't know. A strangled, wailing cry erupted from Sam's throat as his body twisted against the blinding pain  coiling inside him.


         The voices swam in Sam's head. Drunken voices. Some were laughing. Others thrusting hateful words. Boys' and girls' voices, melding together, the laughter and the hate.


         Sam's cheek pressed into the cold sand. He could feel the gritty grains embedded in his hair. His eyes were squeezed shut as he tried to breathe, sucking in air and getting a mouthful of sand grains. He gagged and coughed harder, causing his body to scream with more pain.


         “Hey, where you goin'?” A boy's voice.


         “Away from here.” Jase's low, tight voice, moving away.


         Sam choked on more sobs. “Jase...don't leave...me.” His voice was barely audible to his own ears, his words seeping weakly into the cold sand.


         “What do you want us to do with your boy?” The kid hollered after Jase, then laughed, his words heavy with alcohol.


         Jase didn't answer back.


         Sam shuddered against the cold beach, gritty sand in his mouth and throat, struggling to breathe. Jase was gone. The boy he loved was gone. And though he would see Jase again...he knew he would never again lay eyes on the boy who had loved him.











When he left the bathroom, Adam turned towards his bedroom then stopped, listening. He looked down the hall towards the living room, his brow pinched. A muffled sound sifted up the hall. He abandoned the bedroom and walked down the hallway.


         As soon as he stepped into the living room, he heard Sam's muffled sobs more clearly. The kid was hugging himself fiercely in his sleep, his face pressed into the throw pillow, crying and shaking.


         “Sam?” Adam went to him and knelt by the sofa. Tears drained steadily from the kid's tightly closed eyes. Adam rubbed his hand across his cheek, combed his fingers through his hair. “Sam? Babe?”


         Sam began to shake under the weight of his sobs. Adam's brow pinched with a hard frown and he rubbed his hand over Sam's shoulder, gripping him lightly. “Sam, baby, wake up.”


         Whatever dream he was caught in seemed to have him locked in. Wherever he was at, it wasn't a good place. Adam scooted up and sat on the sofa then pulled Sam up into his arms. “Sam.” He pressed his lips to Sam's ear. “Sam, it's me. Adam. Wake up. It's just a dream.”


         Sam's arms went around him suddenly, then he was clinging to him in sheer desperation. Much like last night, only worse. Sam cried against Adam's shoulder, his whole body shaking.


         “You promised.” Sam cried, still trapped in his dream. His fingers dug into Adam's back as a heartbreaking wail erupted out of him. “You promised you loved me! Don't leave me! Please! God!”


         Adam held him tight, tears burning hot in his own eyes. He laid down on the sofa with Sam as the kid clung to him in a death grip, crying and shaking. Adam kissed his hair, his face. “I'm here, baby.” He choked out softly. “I'm right here. Come on, Sam. Wake up. Come back to me, away from that place.” He kissed Sam's fevered, damp brow. “I won't leave you, baby. I'll never leave you. You're safe with me, Sam. I promise, baby.” He pressed his lips to Sam's wet cheek. “I promise.”


         Sam's lips found Adam's mouth and he kissed him with desperation and urgency. Adam held him tight against his body, knowing the dangers but unable to pull away and abandon Sam when he clearly needed to be held.


         “Make love to me.” Sam cried against Adam's mouth. “Just make love to me again and it'll be okay...you'll see...everything will be okay...please...you'll see...”


         Adam's body was on fire as Sam clung to him, begging him, wanting him. But it wasn't him, not really. Sam was wrapped up in his troubled dreams. It wasn't Adam he was begging to make love to him again. Still, his intense hunger and need for Sam was boiling over. And he knew if it wasn't for the throw Sam had wrapped around him, things that shouldn't happen might very well be happening. 'Cause, God knew, the mere towel wasn't enough to hold Adam at bay.


         When the intense desperation in Sam finally began to abate, Adam was relieved. He was scared of doing something that would drive Sam away, but with the kid in his arms, he was at the mercy of his body and heart.


         Sam quieted a bit but still clung to him. He was still trembling and crying softly. Then  he tensed in Adam's arms, almost resisting his embrace as if Adam was suddenly a threat to him.


         “Sam?” Adam murmured, uncertain. “Baby?”


         God, what level of hell did this kid enter when he fell asleep?











Rough hands grabbed Sam and jerked him up on his knees. An ungodly pain shot through his ribs and thought they might be cracked. A sharp cry wrenched loose from him. His eyes felt thick and swollen from crying but he opened them when he sensed the other kids around him. He searched for Jase's face among the small hoard, though he knew he wasn't there.


         Sobs lodged in his throat, grating on the sand grains, choking him. He glanced around, seeking even just one sympathetic face. But there was none. Not all the kids were here. Most had migrated back to the bonfire, but a few of the boys stayed behind.


         For what? Sam choked on his sobs as more hot tears ran down his flushed face. What did they want-


         Sam was shoved hard from behind and hit the sand face first. His nose smashed against the hard beach and he felt blood seeping from one nostril, absorbing into the sand. Then hands were pulling at his clothes roughly, ripping them as they yanked them off.


         “No...” Sam choked and clawed at the beach, the wet sand clogging beneath his fingernails. “No!”


         Strong hands grabbed at his bare hips. He screamed and clawed harder at the wet sand.


         “Jase!” The strangled cry exploded out of him. “Help me, Jase! Please help me!”


         “Jase is gone, lover boy.” The breath was hot against his ear and wreaked of booze.


         “Please...let me go.” Sam begged, crying.


         The kid laughed and shoved Sam down harder against the cold sand. “Just hold still and take it like a man.” The kid grunted as he fumbled with his pants.


         “No...” Sam cried against the sand, his body shaking. This couldn't be happening. It was just a bad dream. He'd fallen asleep in Jase's arms on the beach and he was just having a nightmare. Any minute, Jase would wake him up. He would look at Sam with all the love in his heart. Everything would be okay. This wasn't real. It wasn't. Jase would never abandon him like this. Never!


         “Hey!” Someone from down the beach yelled suddenly, loud and shrill. It was a girl. “The cops are coming! Lets go!”


         “Fuck.” The kid swore sharply and shoved up off Sam. “Come on!” He and the other boys hovering around Sam took off, sprinting back down the beach.


         Sam gripped handfuls of the cold sand and squeezed his eyes shut, crying and shaking uncontrollably.


         Please, Jase...wake me up. Wake me up. Still be here...still love me...











Sam was clawing Adam's chest, gouging his skin. His breath came quick and ragged, his chest heaving as staggered sobs shuddered through him. He was in a state of panic.


         “Sam.” Adam spoke louder, more firmly. He gripped the kid's face with both hands. “Sam, wake up. Wake up!” Adam flattened his hand on Adam's chest and shook him gently. “Sam!”


         A strangled cry burst from Sam as he came out of the dream, grabbing Adam and clinging to him again, his face against Adam's chest, his hot breath exploding across Adam's skin. Sam's eyes were squeezed tight as he cried and held onto Adam for dear life.


         Sam trembled through his sobs. “I knew you wouldn't leave me...I knew...”


         “Sam.” Adam drew back and lifted Sam's face. “Sam? Are you okay? You were having a bad dream.”


         Sam stared up at him in confusion. For a split second he looked at Adam as if he were a stranger he'd never seen before. Then reality began to set in and Sam glanced around the dim living room.


         “Adam?” He whispered shakily. “You...woke me?”


         “You were having a bad dream.” Adam repeated. He stood up off the sofa and stepped back.


         Sam looked around, still a bit disoriented. He sat up slowly and his hands were shaking as he combed his fingers through his hair.


         “Are you all right, Sam?” Adam asked with concern.


         “I'm...fine.” Sam stared at the floor blankly, his brow tight, his face a bit pale and drawn. He didn't look fine at all.


         “Do you...want to talk about it, Sam?” Adam asked softly.


         Sam swallowed thickly. A shudder ran through him and he stood up. “No.” He whispered. His eyes flicked quickly over Adam's nearly naked body then ducked his head a bit and moved past Adam, walking out of the living room.


         Adam watched him go, wanting to follow, longing to fix what was broken inside Sam. But how could he fix it if he didn't know what it was? Sam wouldn't tell him. He was terrified to tell him. That much Adam could feel. He wanted Sam to understand that he could trust him, that he would never hurt him. But to simply tell Sam such things...it felt futile. Like they would be received as nothing more than empty words, empty promises. Though they were not.


         “God, Sam.” Tears burned Adam's eyes and tightened his throat. “Tell me how to fix it, babe. I'll do anything.”











Nausea squeezed Sam's gut. He sat on the edge of the bed and hugged his stomach. This sick feeling wasn't from the pills. He hadn't taken any since the other night. This queasiness was residue from the dream. Some nights he vomited after waking from the dream.


         The bedroom door was slightly ajar and he glanced towards the hall when Adam walked past. Sam half expected him to stop at the bedroom, but he didn't. Sam felt both relieved and disappointed. He didn't want to see Adam right now, didn't want to look in his eyes and see all the emotions there. And at the same time, he ached for everything he saw in the man's beautiful eyes. Ached for it so bad at times that it caused a fierce physical pain.


          A low sigh slid up his throat and he stood up. He knew what he had to do and he had to do it now, while the events of the dream were still fresh in his mind, reminding him why this was necessary.


         He pulled on his jeans then left the bedroom and went down the hall to Adam's room. His door was open a few inches. Sam started to knock when Adam walked past, still wearing his towel, and stopped before the bureau. He opened the top drawer, took out a pair of red boxers then, before Sam could think about looking away, dropped his towel.


         Sam's throat tightened instantly as a fierce stabbing ache coiled in his lower abdomen. His eyes widened a bit as he stared at Adam's nude body, unable to look away. The man looked like a mythical god, with just the right amount of muscle distributed perfectly over his body. Sam was breathing hard, his heart racing wildly. A heat flushed his cheeks, knowing he shouldn't be watching Adam like this but mesmerized by the beautiful sight.


         Sam tried to control where his eyes looked, but there was no directing them as they caressed Adam's perfect chest, moved down his firm stomach and lower. The man was truly perfect everywhere. Sam's breath shuddered in his throat. A low whimper nearly escaped him before he caught it and swallowed it.


         Breathing erratically, he raised his eyes to Adam's face, then gasped and took a quick step back as he was met with Adam's strong, powerful stare. Sam's pulse caught then jack hammered as he turned away and walked quickly back to his room, closing the door behind him.


         “God.” He choked out and wrapped his arm around his stomach again as intense anxiety brought back the nausea full on. Moments later, a knock at the door made him jump. He stared wide-eyed at the door, not answering.


         “Sam?” Adam's slightly muffled voice pressed softly into the bedroom. “Can I come in, Sam?”


         Sam trembled. He felt trapped. He needed to run, get out of here. But Adam blocked his only escape route. And after seeing Adam that way...Sam's defenses were down, more than ever. How was he going to get away?


         “Sam?”


         “Please...go away.” Sam said weakly, without conviction.


         “Sam.” Adam said quietly through the door. “It's okay. You don't have to feel...embarrassed.” He went silent a moment, then spoke more softly. “I like it when you look at me...that way.”


         Sam turned away from the door. “Shut up.” He whispered too low for Adam to hear. “Just stop...please.” Sam's jaw ached as he tried to force back a well of tears. A hard sob lodged in his throat then erupted out of him. He grabbed his sweatshirt and tugged it on quickly, his chest hitching with more sobs and tears filling his eyes. He sat on the bed and began to hurriedly pull on his shoes.


         “Sam?” Another soft knock. Sam shot a quick, fearful glance at the door and grabbed his other shoe. Just as he stuffed his foot inside, Adam opened the door slowly. “Sam, can we just talk-”


         Adam froze as he stared at Sam shoving his foot into his shoe. “Sam...”


         Standing quickly, Sam went to the chair harboring his backpack. “I have to go.” he whispered. His voice was shaking but he didn't know how to make it stop. He wiped at his eyes and started to zip up his pack when Adam stepped inside and closed the door behind him.


         “Sam.” Fear and anguish squeezed Adam's voice. “Sam, don't go. Please. You don't have to leave.”


         “I do.” Sam could barely speak. He felt like someone was choking him, crushing his throat. A crippling ache was spreading through his chest and up into his head. He wondered how long it would be before it consumed him and snuffed out his life...because he knew this wasn't something he could live with.


         Adam was at his side, gripping his arm. “No, you don't.” He touched Sam's cheek, turned his head and lifted his face. “I know you want to be with me, Sam. You think you're hiding that from me? I see it. I see you.” He kissed Sam's lips.


         Sam's head spun and he nearly fell into Adam's arms out of sheer dizziness. Adam's kiss told Sam all the things he wanted to believe...but couldn't. He pulled away and grabbed his pack as tears flooded his eyes. “Just let me go, Adam.” He choked out, jerking his arm against Adam's grip. “I'm not the one. I can't be.”


         “Yes you can.” Adam insisted fiercely, holding onto his arm, unyielding. “You are.” He touched Sam's face again. “You are, Sam. Why can't you see how much I want you and need you?” His voice swelled with emotion. “We could be so good together, Sam.”


         Sam pulled against Adam's hand, crying. “Let me go, Adam!”


         “No!” Adam held on. “Not until you tell me why you're leaving. Just tell me, Sam! I'm right here! I'm listening!” He grabbed Sam's face, stroked his cheek with his thumb. “You can tell me, Sam. I'll understand. You can tell me anything. Nothing you say will make me hate you or want you to leave.” Adam choked on a strangled sob. “Dammit, Sam! Just tell me!”


         The dream came back full force, rushing over Sam like the ocean within it. Drowning him in Jase's words, Jase's betrayal. Sam shook his head, fresh tears running down his cheeks. He grabbed his pack out of the chair.


         “You're not leaving until you talk to me.” Adam grabbed the pack from Sam's hand and threw it onto the bed. “I'm not gonna let you just walk out of my life without even telling me why-”


         Adam went silent with an abruptness that pulled Sam's eyes to his face. But he wasn't looking at Sam. He was staring at the bed. Adam released Sam's arm, his brow pinching hard. Turning, Sam looked at the bed...and his gut tighten painfully as a sudden fear clutched him.


         The prescription bottle had fallen out of his pack and lay on the bed in plain view.