Personal Journal

The common point between marriage 1 and now

I don’t mean to pull this out of my ass – “my wife doesn’t let me crossdress so I’m going to kill myself” or however one might summarize that. I love L. I do not regret marrying her. I would have been much more forthcoming with her about my sexual needs. I did not think she would be this different than the other women I’ve had relationships with.
Getting her to move in any direction sexually is one essential.

Getting her to voluntarily participate in my submissive-crossdresser identity is another. And if I can’t achieve that, either I’m going to end up taking my own life, or I’m going to somehow some way have to leave this woman whom I love, and who is the definition of family to me.
There’s awareness, which she has, and acceptance, which she may or may not have, and there is participation, and I guess I would describe our sexual relationship as “as non-participatory as sex involving two people can get.” I’m happy L orgasms; I need L to orgasm. But I have given up interest in how it plays out for me.

Because being alone is superior to being with her. Now, that’s the hurtful sentence right there. That’s the sentence you never want your lover to say about you (and I had someone say it about me, so I have much empathy for this statement).
Cross-dressing may or may not be a separate matter to this fact. I’m kind of hopeful that since L is already orgasmic, and has so much to learn, and since my need for crossdressing expression is so high, we could start here.
But then I get to fantasizing about the sexual relationship that I wish we had versus the one we do have. I get to fantasizing that L will choose differently. “The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior..” L is the woman who has rejected every overture to be introduced to my crossdressing. And I’ve tried gently and respectfully and being clear that it’s an invitation. That’s the best I can do as her lover.

Now on to my needs.
Crossdressing is a need. Good, satisfying sex is a need in my relationship, but if I’m not in a relationship, I don’t need sex. My self-bondage and crossdressing, when I’m alone, are very satisfying. Indeed, over the course of my life, solo sex is what produces the best orgasms I’ve ever had. Sad. Fact.

One of the biggest problems I had in my first marriage was living in a situation where I did not have the ability to cross dress or to do self bondage. My first wife had two children. I was not open with R at all about my needs for crossdressing And at that time, I was not self-aware of my PTSD issues and I kept her in the dark about virtually everything.

My need to have crossdressing sex with R lead me to panic attacks and suicidal feelings and thoughts. This whole conversation has been going somewhere, which is that now I am having the same kind of panic attacks and even worse suicidal feelings, because I am unconsciously hopeless that L can adapt to even want to try to meet my needs. From where I sit, that’s a statistical certainty, and if that assumption is true, well, I can see suicide being the cliff that’s right there, only a short distance away from that assumption being true.
But I think that getting L to tell me yes, I’ll try, or “no, I cannot ever, please quit bringing it up, it makes me uncomfortable’ (which is the status quo), and then I have to go from there with whatever her decision is. And I have every reason to believe that she will say no, because she has never done anything different in the past regarding this issue, or advancing our sex life in any way.
So there’s that problem to tackle.