Personal Journal

Predictors of future behavior are found in past behavior

Hello again, everyone.
Another entry in the journal of a guy who is closer to suicide than he has ever been before. As it sits right now, gun is the leading option, because I don't want to fail. I've failed at everything else. The trying won't be the call for help. This is the call for help.

My wife doesn't listen.
Don't think I'm angry about it. I'm a failure as a husband and I don't bring home any income. She has far worse to complain about where I am concerned. And I don't listen well, either.

I'm not good at being honest with people about what I need, about what I need to avoid (although I'm definitely better about that than the former), what I want. But where my sexuality is concerned, I damn sure asked for crossdressing and kidnapping. We've covered this ground before - it's possible I'm just remunerating this thought that my sexual dissatisfaction is the defining reason for suicide - remunerating thoughts are what drive me over the edge in the end. This sex thing is something I'm hyper focused on. My sexual energy is enormous.

I mentioned earlier that I was having 3 orgasms a day; that's a lot for a 47 year old. And I've been doing it now for 3 or 4 days. I guess this is where my sexual energy is sourced. There's a question there, from me: What IS a transvestite, or what is a sissy (as we're sometimes called but that label doesn't entirely fit well for me)? What is a submissive crossdressing heterosexual (who would do forced homosexuality as part of D/s). But that's a subject for another moment - the point I am asking about is whether a submissive transvestite is unto itself the way a homosexual male is unto itself as a category. I'm not sure I'm making myself clear; forget it for now.

On Friday, L wanted to have sex. Well, what she said was "Let's do it today." I've taken a ready response that rolls along these lines: "Ready when you are" or something like that. My inclination is to always say yes, because I want to ensure that L is getting enough of the sexual activity that she wants and or needs.

I like cock rings (actually I like to wear multiple ones) so I put on my 3-piece collection that I like, because I've been horny for loving myself, I decided that I would be sure I was aroused and available for her. Friday came and went and she never mentioned 'doing it' again. Saturday morning came around, and L is usually one to ask for morning sex rather than any other time of day. But she skipped it, never brought it up. I had worn my 3-piece collection all night, just to be sure. But I didn't bring it up either.

All day Saturday went by, and by that time, all that energy buildup had me raging for sex, so I masturbated. Then I put the 3-piece set back on because I figured for sure Sunday morning L would ask for sex, and while she referenced it, she said she wanted to go do errands, and come home to 'do it' if that was okay with me. I said I was ready when she was. Sunday passed, she never brought it up again. I wore the 3-piece all night Sunday, and Monday commenced my day of masturbatory excesses.

You see, I've decided to wait out L where sex is concerned. She will not initiate. If you've read the last few entries, I hope it's clear that I love L more than anything or anyone. I just hate having her as my lover. I have to say that I think she has a problem (which does not mean I do NOT have a problem; I may, it's just different than hers).

So tonight, L asked if I wanted to 'do it' when she got home at 7:30, and while I was not enthused about the prospects really, I decided that I really wanted to do some cunnilingus, after writing about it today (because I LOVE it), and so I started with a 10-minute brazillian shave on L which I administered (as I usually do) on the bed (I have a nice clean routine and setup). Then, when that was finished, I performed cunnilingus on her for 45 minutes. I'm not kidding or exaggerating. Pardon my French, but I wanted to be right down there and licking and pleasing. I still had my 3-pieece cock ring set on, I plugged in fantasies for me to imagine myself being party to, and I responded to L's needs by going soft and gentle for all but the first 10 minutes or so. She had at least 3 orgasms, and probably 5-7. I'm a man, female orgasm is a mystery to me, but I can tell some of them.

When she was spent, and I could tell I had to stop for her account, because she was hyper sensitized and also exhausted, I pulled myself up along her to snuggle. She said it was the best I have ever done on her (and that's saying something, because I know I'm good). Note that the entire time I was down there, she never touched me. With any part of her body (excepting the thighs, obviously), she did not touch me. Anywhere.

Then I asked if she was ready to go back downstairs. I didn't want any sex from her that she had to give. She asked if I wanted anything, and I just said no. I've kept my 3-piece on all night, and now, she's in bed, and I'm wearing hose, a corset, and stockings over the hose even (it's how I do things). Soon I'm going to masturbate again, unless I fall asleep too soon and leave it till morning. I wonder if the path forward for me here, if I decide to take suicide off the table, is to keep saying "No I don't want anything" because what I really want is to loved and accepted for who I am.

A transvestite lover.

I don't have any way out of this misery of sexual suffocation.

It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot
Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success. -- Alonzo Newton Benn