Alamin: Desires and Redemption

Chapter 6

Scene 22

Lights up

On stage is Lemon. He wears a shirt saying " No Islam In Britain Innit like!".

Lemon is reading a book called " Why I hate Muslims"

Lemon( reading from book): The moslem wherever he goes is an enemy against freedom. The freedom to go to a strip club, watch pornography and get drunk and pee all over the floor. ( stops reading and to himself) These muzzie scum want to take away me porn and lager blud! Anti-Islam till I die!

Enter Ruqqayya, Hakim and Mcdougal from the right.

Mcdougal looks to the right.

Lemon( To Muslims): Oi Muzzies!

Muslims completely ignores Lemon.

Mcdougal( To Hakim and Ruqqayya): I don't see him, oh damn! He's coming this way the overcooked haggis!

Lemon( To Ruqqayya): You what muzzie!

Ruqqayya( Looks at Lemon then to Mcdougal): Mcdougal, werewolves find it difficult to control themselves with victims?

Mcdougal( To Ruqqayya): Aye lassie.

Hakim( To Ruqqayya): what are you think-

Lemon( To Hakim): Hey Muzzie!

Ruqqayya stabs Lemon in the leg.

Lemon screams in pain

Lemon( To Ruqqayya): Ahhhhh! You shanked me blud!

Mcdougal( To Ruqqayya): wha you do tha for ya wee mad woman!?

Hakim laughs

Hakim( To Ruqqayya): Decoy?

Ruqqayya( To Hakim): Yep.

Lemon ( To Hakim and Ruqqayya): Decoy for what you fu-

Mcdougal( To Lemon): Shut yer trap!( To Ruqqayya) We are not using this anti Muslim jobbie as a decoy! I won't allow it!( Grabs Lemon)

Lemon ( To mcdougal): No blud! Noooo! You'll give me iraqi law man! Sharia like!

Mcdougal( To Lemon): Enough melodramatics wee idiot. If you want to live stop giving me a headache and start moving!

Mcdougal leaves to left with Lemon)

Hakim and Ruqqayya leave to the left.

Ruqqayya( To herself grumpily as she leaves to left): What a waste of a good decoy! Humph!

Lights down

Lights up

Scene 23

Enter Aleister from the right.

He howls then sniffs around on the floor.

Aleister: I smell you Muslims! I can smell your stenching purity! Ah! Hakim my pet I can smell you!

Enter Ruqqayya, Hakim and Mcdougal from the left. They shoot at Aleister. He falls back.

Aleister( On the floor to the muslims): Ah! Your giving me an orgasm!

Ruqqayya, Hakim and Mcdougal then say surah 113 and 114.

Aleister howls in agony and jerks around as if he is having a seizure.

Aleister: Ahhhhh! You bastarding bastards! That hurt me!

Aleister stands up and charges at the muslims. Mcdougal shoots Aleister in the neck.

Aleister puts his hands around his neck and looks to be in pain.

Mcdougal( To Hakim and Ruqqayyah): Use your knives to chop him up!

The muslims use their knives and hack away at Aleister and rip him apart.

Aleister( To Muslims): Ahhh! You cheating mohammedians! Ah! What are you doing with my liver! Ahhh! Can't we talk about this? There is no need to be violent!? Aren't we all gentlemen?

Ruqqayya( As she hacks): Die sodomite!

Hakim( As he hacks away): Allahu Akbar!

Aleister manages to get out of the attack.

Mcdougal( To Hakim and Ruqqayya): I'll finish this devil off! Oh aye! ( To Aleister): Any last words La Gey?

Aleister( As he holds in his intestines and picks up his liver from the floor to Mcdougal): Where is Gwynfor? Has he become a coward? Why didn't he arrive like he always does with Hakim and the female? Did he become a coward?

Mcdougal( To Aleister): Gwynfor was one of the best exorcists I've ever met you satanist! I'll not have you insult his memory!

Mcdougal attacks Aleister and pushes him off-stage to the right.

Hakim and Ruqqayyah watch as the sounds of bone cracking is heard.

Mcdougal( off-stage): Die! Ah! You think biting me will save you infidel!? Die! Die! Allahu Akbar!

Mcdougal re-enters carrying Aleister's head.

Hakim( To Mcdougal): What are you doing with the head?

Mcdougal( To Hakim): I'm showing it to sheik Wallace

Ruqqayya and Hakim( At same time to Mcdougal): Wallace? The Wallace?

Mcdougal( To Hakim and Ruqqayya): Aye. The legendary man himself.

Lights down

End of Act 1

Act 2

Scene 1

Lights up

On stage is Lust and Volpone. She is injured and looking worried.

Lust: But master It wasn’t my fault!

Volpone slaps Lust across the face.

Volpone: You should have done much better thou whorish devil!

Lust: What could I have done!?

Volpone: Your first action should have been to save those DVDs infected with magic. Due to your incompetence I shall now have to re-start and make new corrupt devices to infect the minds of people away from our enemy! Greed has been killed by the Japanese submitters so track the Mohammedians down or we shall all be in deep excrement you idiotic harlot!

Volpone leaves stage to the left.

Lust looks angered and then saddened
.
Lust(To herself): Why does he treat me so badly? Am I just a tool for him? After all these centuries serving him I sense no love towards I in him! Calling me a whore all the time! How could he not love me after all I’ve done for him!? I’ve killed so many and corrupted so many for you Volpone yet you treat me as nothing but an object! Am I just for sex and killing your enemies Volpone? Why do you risk me yet protect Wrath?

Lust looks very gloomy.

Lights down.

Scene 2

Lights up

Enter Jenny and Adab.
They are dressed in non-muslim clothing and are drunk. Adab is holding a wine bottle from a company called Liver Destroyer.

Jenny: Oh my God like! That guy was soo hot!

Adab: Oh yeah he was a looker!

Jenny: We should wear more slutty clothing like! They’ll love that! Maybe pretend to be bisexual!

Adab: Bisexual? What do you mean Jen?

Jenny: Kiss each other in front of the guys so they get turned on like! It’ll be fun!

Adab: Oh I don’t know Jen. Kissing another woman is a bit odd.

Jenny: Come on Adab! We’ll get guys this way and you’ll lose your virginity!

Adab: I don’t know if I want to lose my virginity to be honest. Maybe my granddad is right? Maybe I shouldn’t be doing such things?

Jenny: Come on Adab! Don’t be a prude. Your grandpa is just a damned prude! Just cause you’re a muzzie doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have fun.

Enter Lust. She has a top on saying Fornication is cool stuff yo!

Lust( To jenny): Hiya! You looking soo hot right now!

Jenny( To Lust): Oh thanks! What’s your name then?

Lust: My name? Oh it’s Chlamydia Johnson.

Jenny: Nice to meet you Chlamydia!

Lust( To Adab): Hello there! You look like a gal that wants some fun!

Adab( To Lust): You know where we can get some fun?

Lust (leering in feminine satanic degeneracy): Oh yeah sugar! I’ll take you to a special place! Indeed!

Jenny: Oh cool! Are there many guys there?

Lust( To Jenny): Oh yes. Definitely. There’s also loads of alcohol and a band.

Jenny: Oh cool ( To Adab) Let’s go with chlamydia!

Adab( To Jenny): Oh I don’t know! Maybe I should go home?

Jenny: Oh Adab you’re so brainwashed by muzzies!


Lust( To Adab): You are a Muslim?

Adab( To Lust): Yeah, please don’t hold it against me.

Lust: Oh no I would’nt hold that against you babes! I know plenty of Muslims who have fun! There are muslims down at the party.

Adab: Really?

Lust: Oh yes! They have soo much fun!

Jenny( To Adab): you see? So let’s go with chlamydia!

Lust: Do come. You are very pretty, they’ll love you.

Adab: Oh okay then.

Lust has an evil smile on her face.

Lights down.

Lights up.

On stage are jinnis and bearded witches dancing with normal looking people. There is a band who are jinnis and they are dressed in hip hop clothing. Some of the normal looking people are dressed in muslim clothing.

Music is on.

Jinni band: Yo! Yo! Yo! Sin is in yo! Be sinful dawg and have some fun! Yo! Yo! Yo!

Music stops.

Enter Damian from right. He is human.


Damian( To everyone): Everyone! Let’s go and see the events!

Everyone leaves to the right apart from Damian and a jinni named Filthy.

Filthy: Damian your wizarding majesty! What is this event!?

Damian: It concerns the drinking of alcohol! They shall play alcoholic games all night!

Filthy: Oh yeah! I loved those human women! I cannot wait to possess a man and fornicate with ladies!

Damian: Indeed! Tonight we shall dine in hellish delight! Our livers shall be pulverised by liquid alcohol! May the gods and Bacchus share their joy with us!

Filthy: I wish we had enough Muslims to share around!

Damian and Filthy leer lustfully.

Damian: Mistress Lust says she has managed to attract another Mohammedian woman!

Filthy: yes! Oh who will be allowed to share her?

Damian: I do not know my friend but if we play our cards correctly we can all have her!

Filthy: Oh maybe I could possess her?

Damian: Indeed!

Lights down
Scene 3
Lights up

On stage is a drunk man. He carries a whiskey bottle.

Drunk( looking up at the sky): Damn you moon! How could ya leave me! Yer like every woman out there! Ye attract me with your sexy bright looks and then you jus leave me ya bitch!

Enter Ruqqayya and Hakim from left. Ruqqayya carries a baseball bat.

Hakim( To Drunk): Good sir, could you direct me to a town called Hegdon Widge?

Drunk( Looking at Hakim and shocked at Ruqqayya to Hakim): Yeah! It-its ten miles down tha road man! ( To Ruqqayya): Are ya a ninja?

Ruqqayya( To Drunk): I am no ninja! Thank you for your help!

Drunk( To Ruqqayya): Strange stuff been going on at Hegdon Widge! They say there’s all sorts of goings on with people acting strangely and some even say there’s orgies going on! ( Looking up at the sky): How could ya moon ya slut! How could you be up there with the sun and Mars! You could be with me having Moon sex but you’re up there in space with them you slag! Up Uranus!

Hakim( To Ruqqayya): Bit of a lunatic ( To Drunk): Thank you for your time good sir.

Drunk( To Hakim): Yeah sure no prob-( Drunk jerks around) Ah! Ah! Wha is going on!

Drunk screams then drools.

Drunk jumps about on the floor and growls like an animal at Ruqqayya and Hakim.

Hakim( To Ruqqayya): He’s been infected by a vampire!

Hakim takes out a knife from his pocket.

Ruqqayya: I’ll deal with this husband!

Ruqqayya smacks the drunk across the head. Blood splatters. The drunk vampire dies.

Enter Mcdougal from the left.

Mcdougal( To Ruqqayya and Hakim): Wha the heck happened?

Hakim( To Mcdougal): He was turning into a vampire.

Ruqqayya( To Mcdougal and Hakim): The drunk told us about strange things going on in Hegdon Widge. Sounded satanic to me!

Hakim( To Mcdougal and Ruqqayya): We better get moving. This vampire will dissolve soon and I don’t want to be around to smell it.

Lights down.
Scene 4
Lights up.

On stage is Gwynfor’s dead body. He is on a metal table. Aamil, Dr Anders and Jack are around the body. Anders is inspecting the body.

Anders( To Jack and Aamil): It does not seem that there has been any infection in the body. It seems that Moloch simply severely wounded Gwynfor and he died from his wounds.

Aamil( To Anders): Drat! He was a good man! It was his last job as well. He was going to retire after this!

Jack( To Aamil): Hey boss, how do vampires work anyway

Anders( To Jack): Ah, just started hunting servants of satan have we?

Aamil( To Anders): The lad is learning at the moment. He’ll go on a hunt when he is ready. I haven’t started him on vampires yet. ( To Jack) This man here died at the hands of a jinni and apparently there is no magical infection in him. Jinnis can possess a body and work with Wizards and witches but Vampires are a different thing. Vampires have different types, some are very strong and are very difficult to kill, some can telepathically communicate, others have super strength while others can brainwash people. Heck some can do all those things.


Jack: What about sunlight, crosses and garlic?

Aamil: Sunlight can kill the weakest ones. Garlic only makes a bloodsucker stink and a cross does nothing at all. It’s not like in the stories. Every vampire is different but one thing in common is that if they die, they dissolve within minutes to hours.

Jack: And the king of vampires?

Aamil: A foul satanic scoundrel called Volpone! He has been around for centuries. The scum bag has murdered thousands of muslims and corrupted even more. He has strong devilish powers and is extremely difficult to kill! The only way to kill the monster is to kill seven creatures named after sins.

Anders ( To Jack): That is the theory anyway. People fighting Volpone have theorised that the reason Volpone has not been killed even though he has been decapitated, his body ripped apart and numerous other execution methods he is still alive. The theory goes that these seven monsters keep him alive and must be killed so that he can be killed.

Aamil( To Jack): The Doc is right. It’s just a theory but if it is correct we may have a good chance of killing Volpone in the next few years since only three of the monsters are still alive.

Anders: Yes, Lust, Gluttony and Wrath. We have hunted the others down over the centuries.

Gunfire is heard, horrifying screams are heard.

Anders: ( To Aamil): What is tha-

Enter Astarte from the right.

Astarte: erkehehehererhu!

Blood sprays out of Jack’s body. He falls to the floor dead.

Anders takes out a gun and shoots Astarte in the head.

Astarte( To Anders): Is that how you greet me mohammedian!?

Aamil runs up to Astarte and punches her.

Astarte( To Aamil): You like it rough as usual!? Sexy!

Astarte grabs Aamil hand and twists. Aamil shouts in pain.

Aamil( To Anders): She’s Astarte! Escape doctor! Escape! She’s a monster!

Enter bearded witches from right.

Astarte( To witches): Feast upon the doctor! Have a hearty meal oh witches who are bitches!

Witches attack Anders and kill him and begin eating him. They take out his organs and eat it.

Aamil( To Anders): Anders! Anders!

Aamil head butts Astarte.

Astarte( To Aamil): That is not how you kiss someone sweetheart!( To Witches) Grab him!

Witches grab Aamil and hold him. Aamil attempts to struggle but cannot so he spits at witches.

Witch 1( To Aamil): Oh do give me your spit since I haven’t bathed in five years!

Witch 2( To Witch 1): You clean freak! I haven’t bathed in ten years!

Astarte( To Aamil): I bathe very day in water to smell sexy for you Aamil!

Aamil( To Astarte): What do you want Astarte you damned Kuffar!?

Astarte: This kuffar wants to kill Muslim! This kuffar enjoys eating Muslim flesh! This kuffar still loves you!

Astarte takes out a knife and stabs her hands.

Astarte stretches her arms out.

Astarte( Looking at Aamil mockingly): Oh father, forgive me for I have sinned!

Aamil: I’m a Muslim you idiot!

Astarte looks hurt.

Astarte: I know you are a muslim honey! I thought imitating the crucifixtion would be mocking you?

Aamil: Jesus peace be upon him was never crucified you devil! Don’t you mention any prophets you degenerate! You have no right!

Astarte: Oh, I didn’t know that. Oh well at least I tried ( Leering at Aamil) You and I shall have lots of fun! I’ll make you so happy that you’ll think I’m a goddess! You'll be kissing my feet in no time! ( To Witches) take him as a prisoner! No one hurt him since I’d like my boyfriend to be treated well! Also take Gwynfor with you!

Witches carry Gwynfor’s dead body and drag Aamil.

Aamil( As he is dragged away): Never! I’m not your boyfriend you damned lunatic Satanist! To hell with you!

Aamil and witches leave stage.

Astarte: Oh! I love you angry! This can be another date between us you handsome mohammedian!( To audience and singing): Oh I am full of joy! Oh I feel so much satanic lust towards Aamil! I will drink muslim blood with him and we shall eat corpses together and practice maghicks together. ( Astarte sighs and looks in angst) Oh I am in love! I should wear my best dress for our night together! Oh how happy I am to be re-united with you my Aamil! Oh I loved you hitting me with your head, oh how sexy! I’m in love!

Astarte picks up Ander’s heart and begins to chew on it. She skips joyfully off-stage to the right.

Lights down.