What's up with Whatsit

I'm just blogging since it's been 12 days since my last one

If you want to know the truth, I am just blogging today because I had decided that in the interests of trying to have some emotional healing, I would blog 2 or 3 days a week. I think not being able to blog was part of my problem. It's been 12 days. That's a slippery slope - to me, blogging is one of the things I am holding onto that will make me better.

I've had 3 or 4 not-quite-panic-attacks-for-no-reason and several days of feeling-despair-for-no-reason. There is no logic to this. That's part of the problem. If there were logic to it, I might be able to do something about it. You know, by myself, like I always have. I have tried for years to avoid handing control of my brain and emotions over to a medication, preferring to try and control it myself, but look how I'm doing with it. Right now I am ready to start swallowing some kind of medication just to avoid the roller coaster. If I ever do get to talking about how I feel, how I DON'T feel, all the things I'm mad about, my mother, or how many words I have had to swallow to get along, then I can't stop talking and I start to cry, as I did last night and which nobody wants to listen to. I feel like I am getting on everybody's nerves. The problem with taking something is that I don't want to be drugged, but I guess drugged would be better than what I have now, which I can't even put a name to. I don't even have a name for what I have.

I am putting a good face on myself, which actually helps some what in the tradition of "Fake it until you make it." But so far it's all faking it and no making it.